- Maury: I'm sorry Connie, but your girl is a little fucking cunt, and me and the boy are going to go kill ourselves tonight.
- Cantor Dina Reznick: So I'm Cantor Dina Reznick, and I have had the distinct honor of being Jessi's guide.
- Connie the Hormone Monstress: I don't know what it is, but I do not like that woman.
- Cantor Dina Reznick: And it's been a real simcha, right, Jess?
- Jessi Glaser: She's the worst. I hate how she "huchs" her words.
- Connie the Hormone Monstress: She should shut the fucch up.
- Guy Bilzerian: I'm Guy Bilzerian, attorney at law and family man. But I will happily abandon my family to get you the divorce settlement you deserve. You might know me from my bench ads, my three delinquent sons, or my twice-institutionalized wife. But I want you to know me as your first line of defense against bitch ex-wives and asshole ex-husbands, 'cause I play both sides of the coin. It's the law, not magic, and anyone who does magic is a disappointment to his father. Call me today, because marriage is a sham and love dies. Let's bury the body together.
- Shannon Glaser: The party is tomorrow! We all know that, everyone knows that!
- Jessi Glaser: Guys, stop yelling.
- Shannon Glaser: Honey, we're not yelling.
- [Nervous laughter]
- Shannon Glaser: We're discussing the logistics for the best day of your life.
- Connie the Hormone Monstress: Best day of your life? Hah! Your parents keep fighting, you got a big ol' pimple percolatin' on your forehead, and crooked Shannon forced you to buy that dress that makes your torso look boxy.
- Jessi Glaser: You don't like the dress?
- Connie the Hormone Monstress: It doesn't work! It never worked!
- Jessi Glaser: I hate my life, and I HATE my dress!
- Shannon Glaser: The dress looks great. Just take a deep breath, and relax.
- Jessi Glaser: You know what makes a person not want to relax, Shannon?
- Greg Glaser: Nice turn.
- Jessi Glaser: Shut up, Dad!
- Connie the Hormone Monstress: Burn the house to the ground! Use the boxy dress as kindling!
- Lola Skumpy: Give me Malala!
- Old Woman: I will kick you in the pussy, you stupid shit.
- Lola Skumpy: At least I still have a pussy.
- Jessi Glaser: Please don't give me flowers.
- Jay Bilzerian: What? I can't help it. I mean, look at you. You're like a square, sexy box. I just want to, like, take you to FedEx and fill you full of packing peanuts.
- Jessi Glaser: Stop! I hate this dress. My stupid mother made me get it.
- Jay Bilzerian: Oh, yeah, moms are so stupid. They're always passing out drunk in the bath instead of signing your field trip permission slip.
- Jessi Glaser: Oh, Jay, that is real bleak. Look, could we just cool it with the romantic gestures, okay?
- Jay Bilzerian: As you wish, my boxy Jewess.
- Marty Glouberman: [Marty parks in handicapped spot, cutting off another driver] Oh, please. If you're so handicapped, maybe you shouldn't be driving!
- Connie the Hormone Monstress: You are a woman now, and this is what women do. We suck up all the bullshit that the world dumps up on us, and keep smiling through it all in our boxy-ass dresses!
- Jessi Glaser: Mom, I need to talk to you.
- Shannon Glaser: What's wrong, Jessi Bear?
- Jessi Glaser: Now.
- [pulls Shannon outside]
- Jessi Glaser: I know everything!
- Shannon Glaser: What? What do you mean?
- Jessi Glaser: I know you're cheating on Daddy with Cantor Dina.
- Shannon Glaser: Okay, Jessi, let's just take a deep breath.
- Jessi Glaser: This whole time, you guys have been? What are you? You're, like, a lesbian now?
- Shannon Glaser: I-I don't know, I'm still figuring things out.
- Jessi Glaser: But what about you and Daddy?
- Shannon Glaser: Your father and I have been struggling for a long time.
- Jessi Glaser: Do you even... do you even love him anymore?
- Shannon Glaser: I don't know.
- Greg Glaser: [Overhearing] Whoa. That's... heavy.
- Coach Steve Steve: Ohh, alright. Round up the Jews and make 'em walk in a line. Choo-choo! Get on the train, Jews, it's time to dance! You can't hide from the party police. That's right, I'm looking at you, Anne Frank table.