- Captain: It doesn't make sense.
- Burl Loomis: A lot of things don't make sense. Why are nickels bigger than dimes?
- Captain: [side eye] That's a good point.
- Burl Loomis: Why does Hawaii have an interstate highway?
- Captain: [eye roll] Another excellent question.
- Burl Loomis: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
- Captain: [losing patience] I don't know. I couldn't say.
- Burl Loomis: Why did the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?
- Captain: When are you retiring?
- Burl Loomis: 474 days.
- Captain: Does that include today?
- Burl Loomis: Yes it does.
- Tony Caruso Sr.: Do me a favor. Don't quote your mother to me. I was married to the woman for 29 years.
- Tony Caruso Jr.: You were married to her, but I listened to her.
- [first lines]
- Sergeant Chet Finch: [scoring his target practice] 982. That's a range record. The highest your old man ever got was an 800.
- Tony Caruso Jr.: He probably cheated.
- Sergeant Chet Finch: I know he cheated.
- Tony Caruso Jr.: What are you doing? Are you sleeping? If someone sees you, they'll pull your badge.
- Burl Loomis: Yeah, that would be terrible. I'd have to retire early.
- Tony Caruso Jr.: Let me ask you something. When you do finally retire, how will anyone know?
- Burl Loomis: [as the detectives are walking up the hill to the victim] Uphill, it's always uphill.
- Tony Caruso Jr.: [talking to patrolman referring to Det. Loomis] At least we know he didn't do it.