Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #15.22 (2017)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : Finally, new rule: Republicans have to tell us, now that you've made facts optional and changed the status of truth to "unknowable", what's next? Hypocrisy used to be a thing. Is it still? Take a look at Paul Ryan at the State of the Union when President Trump suggested we create jobs by investing in infrastructure.

  [a clip of Trump is shown] 

  Himself - Host : Yes, an idea worth standing and applauding for. Here's Ryan when Obama suggested the exact same thing.

  [a clip of Obama is shown; Ryan remains motionless in his seat] 

  Himself - Host : Yes. Either Obama forgot to say "Simon says"...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ...or, clearly, the term "Republican principles" no longer has any meaning. Since Trump got elected, they have pulled utter 180s on infrastructure, free trade, reducing debt, family values, the Constitution. When Obama signed executive orders, it was proof we were being governed by a lawless tyrant. Now Trump does it, and he proudly displays them like he's the "Price is Right" girl.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Trump tweeted twenty-seven times about how Obama played too much golf. Now he plays twice as much! Suddenly the problem of presidents playing golf too much disappeared faster than a Russian journalist

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And even when you say, as I often do, "Oh, come on", wouldn't you be furious of... if Obama had said, you know, "The White House is a dump", or whatever ridiculous thing Trump said that week? No, they never admit it. "We'd be cool with it. We're consistent." So I got to thinking, what if I could actually show Republicans what it would look like if Obama had some... said some of the things that Trump has said? So here to help us with this little experiment, please welcome, on his birthday today, the 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, ladies and gentlemen!

  [applause] 

  Barack Obama : [entering to "Hail to the Chief"]  Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  Himself - Host : All right, so it's not the real Obama. Who could afford his speaking fee?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : This is, of course, our friend Reggie Brown, and he's here to help Republicans...

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : He's here to help Republicans test their theory that they'd be "cool with it" if some of the crap that's come out of Trump's mouth was said by Obama. And I stress, this may not be the real Obama, but these are really Trump's words, every one of them, verbatim.

• Himself - Host : So let's begin with one we all know. What would it look like if Obama had said this about John McCain?

  Barack Obama : He's not a war hero. He's a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren't captured.

  Himself - Host : [laughter and applause]  Not only would he have not won the election, but the screen would have gone black and when we came back, Wayne Brady would have been there. One of the big Republican complaints about Obama was that he didn't respect the military enough. What if they had asked him how he came by his military strategy and he said...

  Barack Obama : I'm speaking with myself. Number one, because I have a very good brain. And... and I've said a lot of things.

  Himself - Host : [laughter]  "I have a very good brain"? That was another complaint about Obama: "Oh, he's too full of himself." Too full of himself. What if Obama had said...

  Barack Obama : Sorry, losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest, and you all know it.

  Himself - Host : [laughter]  What if he had said...

  Barack Obama : I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose voters.

  Himself - Host : [laughter]  Headline in the New York Post: "Black Man Threatens Shooting Spree, Gunned Down by Police".

• Himself - Host : And no matter how much Scripture Obama cited, Republicans never believed he was really Christian. Imagine if Obama had said...

  Barack Obama : Why do I have to repent or ask for forgiveness if I'm not making mistakes?

  [laughter] 

  Barack Obama : When I drink my little wine and have my little cracker, I guess that's a form of asking for forgiveness.

  Himself - Host : [laughter]  "My little cracker"? You mean...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : You mean Jeff Sessions?

• Himself - Host : Another one of Obama's unforgivable flaws was that he didn't find America exceptional enough. Okay, so if Bill O'Reilly had asked Obama about Putin being a murderer, it would have been okay if his answer was...

  Barack Obama : Uh, there are a lot of killers. We have a lot of killers. You think our country is so innocent?

  Himself - Host : Yeah, Sean...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Sean Hannity's reaction would have been...

  [a picture of Hannity is shown, in which his head explodes] 

  Himself - Host : Now, no politician ever tells the whole truth always, but what if Obama was so blatant as to say...

  Barack Obama : I got to know Putin very well, because we were both on "60 Minutes".

  Himself - Host : [laughter]  And then a few months later, said...

  Barack Obama : I never met Putin. I don't know who Putin is.

  Himself - Host : "Yeah, who are you gonna believe, me or me?"

• Himself - Host : And what about just sheer dumbness? Obama wasn't the most experienced president ever, but what would have been the reaction if he kept claiming that things everybody knows were just being discovered?

  Barack Obama : Nobody knew health care was so complicated.

  [laughter; Bill face palms] 

  Barack Obama : We have to prime the pump. Have you heard that expression before? I came up with it a few days ago, and I thought it was good.

  [laughter] 

  Barack Obama : Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who's done an amazing job, and is getting recognized more and more.

  [laughter; Bill spit-takes his drink] 

  Himself - Host : And we haven't even gotten to the "Access Hollywood" tape! Republicans, you're really going to tell me you would be okay if Obama had said...

  Barack Obama : Ah, I moved on her like a bitch.

  [laughter] 

  Barack Obama : I just start kissing them. I don't even wait. And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab 'em by the pussy.

  Himself - Host : [laughter]  "Grab 'em by the pussy"? They blew a gasket when he said "Cling to your Bible"!

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And you're gonna tell me you would be okay if our first black president used debate time to brag about the size of his dick?

  Barack Obama : He referred to my hands, if... if they're small, then something else must be small. I guarantee you, there's no problem. I guarantee you.

  Himself - Host : [laughter and applause]  Look, I don't know the exact definiton of white privilege, but being able to talk about grabbing pussies and how big your dick is, and still getting elected president, that's gotta come close.

• Self - Host : New rule: now that we know 20% of America's baby food contains lead, the FDA has to find out if that's why babies are so stupid.

  [laughter] 

  Self - Host : Seriously. Have you ever played cards with one? They're morons.

• Self - Host : New rule: scientists who caught this rare faceless fish in freezing waters off Australia have to throw it back; I don't like the way it's not looking at me.

  [laughter] 

  Self - Host : Plus, it's giving an inferiority complex to the naked mole rat.

• Self - Host : New rule: the naked mole rat seen here has to try to look less like a penis that could bite me.

• Self - Host : New rule: Anthony Scaramucci and Anthony Weiner must open a pizza place in New York called Disgraced Anthony's Pizza.

  [laughter] 

  Self - Host : "That's right, Disgraced Anthony's, where you can find pictures of our sausage right online."

  [laughter] 

  Self - Host : "We hand-toss, because our wives left us."

  [laughter] 

  Self - Host : "But make sure you go to Real Disgraced Anthony's Pizza and not the copycats..." You New Yorkers know what I'm talking about.