- Lemony Snicket: I'm afraid I have some bad news that you will not like to hear, which is that there are some people in this world who enjoy hearing bad news. What is bad news to one person might be good news to someone else. And, sometimes, what seems like good news might actually be something full of sadness, misery, and grief.
- Count Olaf: Ah, cocktail hour. When the sky is gold with the promise of fortunes and sparkling with the light of a thousand stolen sapphires.
- Count Olaf: What are you waiting for? Shoot!
- Esmé Squalor: You try loading a harpoon gun without ruining a manicure!
- Count Olaf: I have.
- Lemony Snicket: There is a term to describe the arrival of someone helpful when you least expect it. The term comes from very old plays. Which, near the end of the play when things seem especially dire, a powerful authority figure arrives on a mechanical device to save the day. And, for this reason, the term for such an occurrence is, "the god from the machine." Or, in the original Latin, "deus ex machina."
- Eleanora Poe: Baudelaires, what are your thoughts on your daring escape?
- Violet Baudelaire: Run.
- Eleanora Poe: You can't hide from the press!
- Elder Anabelle: We can't simply burn people at the stake whenever we want! We're civilised people!
- Elder Jemma: How about after supper?
- Elder Anabelle: Good.
- Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: Was the baby driving?
- Hook-Handed Man: She's more of a toddler now.
- Count Olaf: Everything is going exactly as I planned.
- Esmé Squalor: So you planned for Jacques Snicket to come to town so you could frame the Baudelaires for his murder?
- Count Olaf: Parts of the plan were unplanned. That's the plan. I mean, you don't want to over-plan a plan.
- Eleanora Poe: [photographing Count Olaf and Esmé] Now give me "justice." Give me "protect and serve." Do you think that being naturally photogenic makes you better police officers?
- Count Olaf: Please, who could refuse to stop in the name of the law after gazing upon this? My beauty is powerful and instills fear. Can you dig it?
- Eleanora Poe: Yes, I think I can dig that.
- Count Olaf: Parts of the plan were unplanned. That's the plan. I mean, you don't want to overplan a plan.
- Eleanora Poe: What are you doing here, love of my life?
- Mr. Poe: I'm here on business, fire of my loins. What are you doing here?
- Eleanora Poe: I'm here on business!
- Mr. Poe: I wish I'd known. We could have carpooled.
- Eleanora Poe: It is a tragically long drive.
- Eleanora Poe: "Angry Mob Leads to Record Pitchfork Sales!" Wait until the readers of The Daily Punctilio hear about this!