- Mona Wilder: Of course I can get you there really, really fast.
- Dirk Gently: Excellent!
- Mona Wilder: Okay, just one thing, can you turn into a bug?
- Dirk Gently: Only emotionally.
- Todd Brotzman: [to Suzie] Enough of this! Who are you? Like, seriously, what is your problem? Why are you here? You're like some mom from Montana. I don't understand why you are involved, literally at all. No one does. You're just like this psycho crazy person who's screwing up everything for everyone. You have killed so many people. Do you have any conception of what is going on or what you are even doing?
- Sherlock Hobbs: I just feel like I missed all the good stuff.
- Tina Tevetino: Good stuff? Hobbs, do you know how much crazy crap I had to do without you? There were witches and zombies and wizards and shit.
- Sherlock Hobbs: That's the good stuff.
- Tina Tevetino: It was one of the top...
- [thinks for a second]
- Tina Tevetino: ... eleven craziest experiences of my life.
- Bart Curlish: Ken, I think I should tell you, the universe is sort of making me feel like I should kill you now.
- Francis: [to Suzie] I don't remember you. Are you a bad guy or a good guy?
- Suzie Boreton: Good guy?
- [Todd, Amanda, and Dirk answer at the same time]
- Dirk Gently: She's like the main bad guy!
- Amanda Brotzman: Definitely the bad guy!
- Todd Brotzman: She's a bad guy! She's the worst!
- [first lines]
- Boy: [voice over] And so the prophesy was fulfilled and everyone in Wendimoor lived happily every after...
- Suzie Boreton: Not this time! This is my story now! There once was a very special princess who no one appreciated. She was married to a slob and her son was an idiot. She had a terrible accident that wasn't her fault, not even a little bit, and ended up lost and alone. But then a wonderful wizard from another world came and gave her another chance to live the perfect life she deserved. And so the princess became a beautiful queen who everyone loved and lived happily ever after... or else!
- [evil laugh]
- Tina Tevetino: All I'm saying is from now on, I'm all about moderation. Getting shot twice was enough. Bucket list, check!