- Himself - Host: In my opinion if we are going to fight the war on terror, a good place to start would be our country's haunted houses.
- Kevin Nealon: Tomorrow is National Secretary's Day. I plan on getting my secretary the same thing I always do.
- Kevin Nealon: A big fat goosing!
- Himself - Host: Like, I'm a christian, right.
- Kevin Nealon: I didn't know that. Are you christian?
- Himself - Host: Yes.
- Kevin Nealon: Do you go to.. Do you watch the gladiators and things like that?
- Himself - Host: What the fuck does that mean?
- Kevin Nealon: Christians.
- Himself - Host: No, I just go to fucking military funerals and go "fucking faggots!"