- Tom Green: I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold, but then I realized it meant 'getting back at somebody'.
- Self - Host: I have an oral fixation, my doctor tells me. Which is not good.
- Tom Green: How did he know that?
- Self - Host: I was sucking his cock!
- Self - Host: Celebrating April first birthdays, this is a sort of news thing: Russian pianist Sergei Rahmaninov who was born on this day 1872...
- Self - Co-Host: Yeah, I know that, dude.
- Self - Host: ... rapper Method Man is 41, Debbie Reynolds turns 80 today, Rachel Maddow is 39 and former German chancellor Helmut Schmidt would've been 95 today. April fool's: former German chancellor Helmut Schmidt is alive and well!
- Self - Host: A Swedish Bond girl Britt Ekland told Piers Morgan this week that she was seduced by Warren Beatty after the legendary lothario took her to an X-rated movie for their first date. This is what I have to say about that: Hey, Warren - stop stealing my moves!
- Self - Co-Host: So, we have a business news: Facebook-founder Mark Zuckergerg is facing a one-billion-dollar tax bill this year. Now, that's a..
- Self - Host: He pays a billion dollars in taxes?
- Self - Co-Host: In tax. That's a.. That's a lot of money.
- Self - Host: Good problem to have. Right, Tom?
- Tom Green: Yeah, that's not bad.
- Self - Host: God damn!
- Tom Green: Absolutely - a billion dollars.
- Self - Host: A billion dollars - that's more than my dad made in his lifetime.
- Self - Host: Well, those are the motherfuckers that fucking introduced crack into my neighbourhood last month.
- Tom Green: You have a crack problem?
- Self - Host: Well, now I do 'cause those fuckers introduced crack into the neighbourhood. And what they don't tell you about crack is, god damn, it's good!
- Tom Green: Yeah! Where, in your neighbourhood there is a crack..
- Self - Host: Yeah, huge crack problem!
- Tom Green: So, you can just step out the front door now and there's crack readily available now?
- Self - Host: Well, I sell it and so, but I.. I'm using so much of it now, but I'm still getting fat.
- Self - Co-Host: How is that even possible? I was gonna ask you that.
- Self - Host: I don't know. I have to talk to a gastroenterologist.
- Tom Green: You don't have any now, do you? Any of the.. any crack now?
- Self - Host: Oh, no... I don't know. After you do it for a while, you do not share. You go: "I'm out, I'm out!" But, meanwhile, you're not out and you do everone else's crack with them, and then you sneak out to the bathroom; do your own crack.
- Self - Co-Host: Former Tennesee Titans cheerleader Elizabet "Leigh" Garner, 42, is accused of pulling a 12-year-old boy's pants off and offering him oral sex. The boy refused her advances not because he was 12, but because he was a die-hard Colts fan.
- Self - Host: I don't know if this counts as an NCAA Cinderella story, but one of the Marquette players said he had help making his uniform from a bunch of singing mice and birds.
- Self - Host: The guy who did the voice of Charlie Brown, he was arrested for stalking his girlfriend this week. He also said the next time Lucy grabs away the football, he's gonna cut that bitch!
- Self - Host: They say the world's a smaller place than it used to be, but I think that's an optical illusion based on me becoming a big, fat guy.
- Self - Host: In Miami, Florida a pimp is in custody after forcing a 13-year-old prostitute to have his name tattooed on her eyelids... when she threatened to run away from him. Roman Thomas III faces charges of human trafficking, false imprisonment, lewd and lascivious exhibition and delivery of a controlled substance to a child. You know, I know the Scripture say "judge not lest ye be judged", but - you know - I'm just gonna come out and say it: this Roman Thomas III guy... This guy is a real jerk!
- Tom Green: Growing up I never would've believed that one day I'd need a computer just to masturbate.
- Self - Host: This first one is from MonkFan72. I love these guys' names.
- Self - Co-Host: Yeah, this guy likes Monk.
- Self - Host: He likes Monk! He says: "I love this podcast. It was great to see Norm MacDonald back and Super Dave was the perfect choice as first guest. Lose the douche bag."
- Self - Co-Host: I'm Adam Eget. I work at the World Famous Comedy Store. I'm the manager over there. Before that I was the manger of the Tempe Improv and I... I don't know what I'm doing, I'll be honest, and I'm not an actor, I'm not a comedian, but I'm just gonna try my best and... and I'm gonna do the best I can, and I hope that.. hope the people watching at home will give me a chance to... to.. I don't know, just give me a chance, and I did this as a favour to Norm, yeah... I'm not an actor, I'm not a comedian..
- Self - Host: This guy says your face looks like a cunt.
- Self - Host: Hey news media, leave Kim Kardashian alone, will you! She's pregnant, of course she's gonna.. she gonna gain weight. And if anyone knows about rapid ga.. weight gain, it's me. You know, I went to see the doctor about it and he told me to open my mouth and say "oink!" I thought that was a little... a little out of line, Tom.