- Wendy: I'd pick Van because he's rich and people would probably look for him. Also, I can tell by his brittle nails that he has an iron deficiency, so by day 10 I'd be able to overpower him, and then I'd eat him piece by piece, while he was still alive, so that the meat doesn't spoil, and I could survive long enough to be rescued.
- [first lines]
- Teddy: Oh, you're watching "The Making of a Supervillain"? I finished that last night.
- Ron: Well, do not tell me how it ends, but I think he's innocent.
- Teddy: Seriously? His name is Dr. Psycho.
- Ron: Yeah, but his original name was *Psychowitz*. They forced him to change it on Ellis Island.
- Wendy: The real villain is the criminal justice system.
- Ron: Go on, girl!
- Teddy: Idiots. He tied Wonder Woman to a rocket ship.
- Ron: Oh, the D.A. said he tied her to a rocket ship, but if that's the case, where's the rope, Teddy? Where's the rope?
- Emily Locke: I hope everyone used my checklist of what to bring.
- Teddy: I did! Oh, crap, I forgot my positive attitude.
- Emily Locke: Lucky for you, I brought enough for everybody.
- Teddy: Why did you put Dorothy in our group? Okay, you know she's not gonna be an asset in the tug-of-war, I'll tell you that right now.
- Emily Locke: My job is to look out for everybody.
- Van Wayne: Oh, uh-uh, Dorothy can ride in my chopper. I mean, she's so old, maybe I'll just drop her off in heaven.
- [indicated two men with microphones sitting on Van's couch]
- Jackie: Are they feeding you jokes in an earpiece?
- Van Wayne: No.
- Jackie: No?
- Van Wayne: All right, fine. The corporate retreat is my only opportunity to get face time with the big dogs. Gabe and Noah over here wrote for "The Harvard Lampoon" and were executive story editors for "The Suite Life of Zach & Cody".
- Jackie: What a great use of a Harvard education.
- [Jackie nudges Emily who has fallen asleep at her desk]
- Emily Locke: You forgot to assign homework!
- Jackie: God, even in your dreams, you're still you.
- [ominous alarm sounds]
- Ron: Which alarm is that? Zombie virus?
- Jackie: Alien invasion? Giant spider robots from another dimension where the Nazis won?
- Teddy: No, that one goes "Ee-you-ee-you-ee-you".
- Emily Locke: [looking through the office's disaster manual] No, it's a gas attack.
- Ron, Jackie, Teddy, Wendy: Ugh!
- Emily Locke: We should get on the bus. It says if the gas reaches critical levels, the whole building will go into lock...
- Computerized Voice: Emergency lockdown procedure initiated. Stay calm.
- Van Wayne: I'll take unknown gases for 500, Alex.
- Emily Locke: Okay, hold on, hold on, I can fix this. Now there's no reason we can't have fun and bond here. You know, I've got my karaoke machine and...
- Wendy, Teddy, Jackie, Ron: No!
- Emily Locke: So that's a maybe on the karaoke.
- Emily Locke: And to pass the time, I have a bunch of fun games. It'll be just like we're at the retreat.
- Wendy: So there's kayaking?
- Emily Locke: Well, no.
- Ron: Parasailing?
- Emily Locke: No.
- Van Wayne: Wakeboarding?
- Emily Locke: No, and before anyone asks another one, we are trapped in the office the limitations of which you are very familiar.
- Teddy: Whitewater rafting?
- Emily Locke: Shut up, Teddy.
- Jackie: So now what are we going to do? The bathroom bucket is gone and Emily is about to die. We need to fix one of these things.
- [last lines]
- Teddy: You know, we're thinking about to going to karaoke tonight. Do you want...
- Emily Locke: I'm in! I love karaoke.
- Teddy: We figured.
- Emily Locke: Can we sing Kelly Clarkson?
- Ron: Mm-hmm.