- Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: It's like my mama used to say, "When life hands you lemons, make water with a taste."
- Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson: I told you. You a full-blown Slytherin. And I'm a lion-hearted Gryffindor, with the intelligence of a Ravenclaw.
- Piper Chapman: But how does it even know this? I lied for every answer.
- Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson: They ain't all bad. Snape was a Slytherin. Turned out he had that selfless love.
- Piper Chapman: I did have a snake once. A Burmese python named Krueger. Technically, it was Cal's, but Krueger liked me best.
- Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson: Did you ever talk to it?
- Piper Chapman: Mm-hmm. When I was feeding him. Epic conversations. Mostly about the merits of frozen versus fresh mice, and why Mike Powell never loved me back.
- Alison Abdullah: You cold-blooded for sure.
- Piper Chapman: Nobody asked you, Hufflepuff.
- Lorna Morello: Oh, you don't know my Vinnie.
- Dayanara Diaz: I don't have to. They're all the same. As soon as shit gets real, they run. Even if they only have one fucking leg.
- Alex Vause: I'm glad you're enjoying yourself now because it'll be *less* fun when people start getting killed.
- Piper Chapman: You mean more people?
- Brandy Epps: I gotta say... for a bunch of plantain-loving subhumans, you Latinos make a damn good cup of coffee.
- Brandy Epps: I was on the cover of Barista Magazine twice before the FBI figured out I was poisoning Jews and mud people.