Santa Clarita Diet (TV Series)

The Book! (2017)

Timothy Olyphant: Joel Hammond

Photos 

Quotes 

• Joel Hammond : I am not a murderer. OK, technically I am. Not even technically. Literally. But I refuse to be defined by the ONE time I murdered somebody!

• Eric Bemis : Joel, wait. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked about Sheila online, and you were right, I was trying to impress all these people. You've been cool your whole life but I've always been well, invisible. So, I was wrong and it won't happen again.

  Joel Hammond : I'm sorry, I was thinking about how handsome I am. What?

  Eric Bemis : Seriously?

  Joel Hammond : Of course not. What do you think I am? I heard you.

• Joel Hammond : Are you posting about Sheila? You put my whole family at risk!

  Eric Bemis : I thought maybe someone might know something.

  Joel Hammond : Really? Or are you just trying to win some nerd popularity contest?

  Eric Bemis : Ooh, that hurts. Maybe I wasn't thinking clearly because my dual-income household was just reduced to a single-income household.

  Joel Hammond : I knew you weren't cool with me killing your stepdad!

  Eric Bemis : I thought I was, but when a squid's under attack, he throws out ink!

  Joel Hammond : You're not a squid. You're a boy, who smells like a baby!

• Eric Bemis : Do you know how to fold a hoodie?

  Joel Hammond : Yeah. The secret is to not give a shit, 'cause I have to save my wife. Let's go. And I hang mine in the closet.

• Joel Hammond : [extending hand]  Hi, I'm Joel, Eric's friend.

  Bordan : I'm thirsty.

  [avoids eye contact and walks away] 

  Joel Hammond : What the hell was that?

  Eric Bemis : These people aren't like you. You can't come on that strong.

  Joel Hammond : "I'm Joel" is too strong?

  Eric Bemis : Yes. With those piercing eyes and perfect posture, you're like that hundred-foot-tall Christ statue overlooking Rio.

• Joel Hammond : Come on, I need answers.

  Eric Bemis : Whoa, Jack Bauer, dial it down. Less

  [in gruff voice] 

  Eric Bemis : "I need answers" and more...

  [stammering in normal voice] 

  Eric Bemis : "Excuse me, hi, I'm so sorry. Um, I have a question."

  Joel Hammond : Yeah.

• Anton : Whoa! Look at this guy. What is your deal? You work for the government? Does anyone here know this dude?

  Eric Bemis : I do. He's cool. SpaceBaller 2000. I moderate the Zombie Town subreddit.

  Anton : Well, if SpaceBaller 2000 vouches for him then I guess I can let my guard down.

  [throws water bottle, which Joel catches while observers gasp] 

  Anton : Good reflexes. Bet you played a lot of ball before you sold out and joined Big Brother.

  Joel Hammond : I'm not with the government. I just need your help.

  Anton : Nice try blending in, you handsome thick-haired son of a bitch.

  Eric Bemis : [sighs]  I knew I should've bought you a hat.