- Eleanor Shellstrop: I'll tell you, but it doesn't make me look great, so don't judge me.
- Michael: That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I just want to say once more, for the record, that this whole good/bad system is bullshirt. There should be a medium place for people like me, who kind of sucked, but in, like, a fun, chill way.
- Michael: This is a quick litmus test. Handful of questions designed to tell whether you are fundamentally good or bad. Question number one: Did you ever commit a serious crime, such as murder, sexual harassment, arson, or otherwise?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No.
- Michael: Did you ever have a vanity license plate, like "MAMASBMW," "LEXUS4LIZ," or "BOOBGUY"?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No.
- Michael: Did you ever reheat fish in an office microwave?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Ew, no.
- Michael: Have you ever paid money to hear music performed by California funk rock band "The Red Hot Chili Peppers"?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No.
- Michael: Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: AND socks? Ew, who would do that?
- Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.
- Michael: I can't believe you sold the t-shirts.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Does it help if they basically sold themselves?
- Michael: I think you know it does not.
- Michael: And finally, a multi-part question: Did you ever appear on the American television program "The Bachelor" or its companion shows "The Bachelorette" and "Bachelor in Paradise," or post on any social media site that you were emotionally invested in any of the relationships the contestants were pursuing?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No.
- Michael: Okay. You did very well on the questionnaire, Eleanor. So far, so good.
- Michael: Question number one: Did you ever wrongfully slaughter your kinsman's yak? Oh, sorry, this is the nomadic Mongolian edition. I need to grab the North American...
- Chidi Anagonye: You just casually cited Immanuel Kant. Yeah, I know we're in a miserable bind here, but this might be the proudest day of my life.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Jianyu keeps such a stoic face. I just hope he sends her off with some sustaining wisdom.
- Jason Mendoza: I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you walk away.