- Rodney Dangerfield: I broke up with my psychiatrist too last week. For the first time, I told him I got suicidal tendencies. He told me from now on, I gotta pay in advance.
- Rodney Dangerfield: The time I was lost on a beach, and a cop helped me look for my parents. I said to the cop, "You think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid - there's so many places they could hide."
- Johnny Carson: We live in a great country. America's the only place in the world where the richest man in the country *can't* grow up to be president.
- Doris Day: Do you know, the other day I saw on television some thing - news thing, you know - some frantic thing where the gunmen were going crazy, and they're having a shootout, and one man said, "He was behaving like an animal!" Animals don't do that. They're - they're terrific! They're calm, they're peaceful, they're loving... Um, what I figure is that in - inhuman - inhuman beings behave that way. Not animals.
- Carol Wayne: I'm not fond of animals.
- Johnny Carson: [noting Doris Day's love of animals] I don't want to have a scratchout here tonight. Uh... uh - why is that?
- Carol Wayne: I don't want anything to lick me that's not gonna marry me.
- Rodney Dangerfield: Looks don't mean nothin'. Now, I got a niece - an ugly girl - she got married; she's happy - she met an ugly guy.
- Johnny Carson: Right.
- Rodney Dangerfield: And today they got two *very* ugly kids.
- Johnny Carson: Ugly kids - yes.
- Rodney Dangerfield: ...In fact, they're all so ugly, in the family album, they only keep the negatives.
- Johnny Carson: I had a cast on for a while. You know what it was made out of?
- Carol Wayne: Silly Putty.
- Johnny Carson: ...That's better than what I got! I... I was gonna say plaster of Pomona, but Silly Putty is, uh - is a lot funnier... Don't do that anymore.
- Johnny Carson: [on returning after six weeks off] Do you believe it? We have a new president, and a new vice president; last time I left here, we - that wasn't, uh, going on... Rockefeller and Ford - you know, that's not a - that's not a bad combination, if you think of it. If - if President Ford makes any mistakes, Rockefeller can pay for them.
- Doris Day: It's a depressing subject, but people don't take care of their children. Why don't they? And, uh - and if they don't take care of children, they're - you know, many of them will not take care of their animals.
- Art Fern: Do you have a sex problem that needs straightening out?
- Tea Time Matinee Lady: I've never had a sex problem I couldn't straighten out.
- Art Fern: I'm hip.
- Rodney Dangerfield: The other day I was at my bank. They got signs all over there: "At this bank, you're a friend." Last month, I was two payments behind; my friend took away my car.
- Rodney Dangerfield: The first time I saw a psychiatrist, I felt like two cents. I was a kid - I said to him, "Doc, can you help me? All day long, keep thinkin' I'm ugly!" He made me lay on the couch face down!
- Rodney Dangerfield: My room was messed up; I didn't care. My brother's room was in order - his towel was lined up neatly; combs, brushes, hair lotions all in the right place. So what did it mean? What is he today? He's an attendant in the men's room - it didn't mean anything.