- Wizard: Guardians of treasure, champions of justice...
- Boomstick: And proof that if you've got enough brute strength, you don't need to be smart to kick some serious ass.
- Wizard: Donkey Kong, defender of the world's largest banana horde.
- Boomstick: And Knuckles the Echidna, guardian of the all-powerful Master Emerald.
- Wizard: Four thousand years ago, the echidna race thrived due to their advanced technology and talent for warfare.
- Boomstick: Now that's what I call a pet! I know what I'm picking up at the pet store on the way home!
- Wizard: Just a heads up, the males have four heads on their penises.
- Boomstick: What...? Awesome!
- Wizard: Long ago, an illegal pet gorilla famously did battle with his abusive owner atop a construction site.
- Boomstick: The ape's name was Donkey Kong, and the conflict didn't go so well for him.
- Wizard: After escaping, he fled to a remote island with his son, also named Donkey Kong. His son would later bear a child destined to rule the island. This powerful ape was named... you guessed it, Donkey Kong.
- Wizard: Desperate for the power to command the world, the Knuckles tribe staged a raid to obtain the legendary power of the Master Emerald.
- Boomstick: What they didn't know is that it was protected by a giant, murderous water dragon with tentacles named Chaos, and it just killed the shit out of them.
- Wizard: Miraculously, a young echidna girl survived and managed to seal Chaos inside the Master Emerald. The resulting energy output ripped the echidnas' home into the sky to become Angel Island, perpetually floating so long as the emerald remained in its shrine. Sonic lore, everybody...
- Boomstick: Centuries later, one final descendant of the Knuckles clan remained and his name was... Knuckles. So, not the most creative parenting in the world, but hey.
- Boomstick: Being a gorilla, Donkey Kong naturally LOVES bananas.
- Wizard: No, no, no. Real gorillas primarily eat plants, like stems and bamboo shoots, and sometimes termites to fight diarrhea.
- Boomstick: Too much info, Wiz. Well, this gorilla loves bananas so much that he's hoarded hundreds for himself. And if someone tries to take away any of his delicious golden treasures, may God help them.
- Wizard: And yet, his enemies have been bold enough to steal his entire stockpile several times, right out from under his nose. That's what happens when you hog every banana on the island to yourself. Just basic supply and demand.
- Boomstick: Knuckles is the lone guardian of the Master Emerald, dedicating his entire life to protecting the family jewel. Ha! But he spends most of his days sleeping and doing nothing, because really, who's gonna fly up all the way up to a tiny, floating island to steal a rock?
- Wizard: Why, the nefarious Dr. Eggman, of course. As a ploy, Eggman convinced Knuckles that a certain blue hedgehog and a fox with two tails planned to steal the Master Emerald. Knuckles left to stop the thieves, and Eggman swiped the gem for himself.
- Boomstick: Not the sharpest head on the dick, is he?
- Wizard: Without its energy source, Angel Island plummeted out of the sky, until Sonic the Hedgehog literally beat the sense into Knuckles, and together, they saved the day, forming a tense bromance.
- Boomstick: Donkey Kong weighs 800 pounds and stands about eight feet tall. That's almost twice as big as a normal gorilla. He spends his afternoons as if he were a Florida native, by finding ways to kill crocodiles, such as crushing 'em with his sheer weight, chucking barrels at 'em like his old man, or just straight up punching 'em to death.
- Wizard: The strength this ape wields is so tremendous, his very palms can shake the earth. And his trademark Giant Punch can send his victims flying beyond the horizon.
- Boomstick: But just because he's strong, doesn't mean he's slow. He can unleash a flurry of blows so fast, he ignites the hydrogen in the air, creating explosions!
- Wizard: This is similar to a meteor catching fire while falling through the atmosphere at 25,000 miles per hour.
- Boomstick: I'm telling you, Wiz, it's only a matter of time before the apes take over.
- Boomstick: [after talking about Knuckles retrieving the Master Emerald from Dr. Eggman] Since then, Knucks has continued to try to guard the emerald. However, most people who try to steal it, do. But luckily for ol' rad red, he can track the Master Emerald using his treasure hunting skills.
- Wizard: And his special bond with the gem, which allows him to detect its presence and harness some of its power, which he can focus through the ancient martial art passed down through the Knuckles clan.
- Boomstick: The ancient art of "punch the crap out of everything"! No, really, that's the answer to every single problem Knuckles has. Something in the way? Punch it! Need to climb a cliff? Punch it! Falling down a trap? Punch it! Punching not working for some reason? You f**king know he punches it more!
- Wizard: Speaking of which, Knuckles can throw punches so extreme, they create explosions by igniting hydrogen in the air.
- Boomstick: Sound familiar?
- Wizard: While common gorillas have impressed the scientific community by using basic tools, Donkey Kong is a little beyond that.
- Boomstick: Yeah! He's got a shotgun! Like, I know it looks like he's just carrying around a log, but no, seriously, it's a boomstick that Funky Kong somehow made out of a tree, that fires concussive homing coconuts!
- Wizard: It can fire in spurts and if he shoots ya, it's gonna hurt. At least, that's what the DK Rap tells us, but what it doesn't tell us is that the series of grunts you hear from the Kongs is actually them speaking their own language.
- Boomstick: Really? I wonder what he's saying...
- [clips of the Donkey Kong Country show are shown, with Donkey Kong saying, "Banana Slamma!"]
- Wizard: Mostly just that. Sometimes he sings, too.
- Boomstick: What the hell? Okay, I know I watched some of this show, but I do not remember there being any musical numbers, like, at all!
- Wizard: Oh, there were two in every episode, forty episodes in all. Your brain likely shut down watching to protect your fragile consciousness.
- Boomstick: Good one, brain. I owe you a beer.
- Wizard: Knuckles is fast, capable of running at least 100 miles per hour. He can also take to the sky and glide, reportedly by trapping air underneath his dreadlocks, although there's no logical way those locks are aerodynamic enough to keep him airborne.
- Boomstick: Hey, it's better than a tanuki flying with its nutsack. Then again, he could just be twirling his di...
- Wizard: [interrupting] And with the spikes on his fists, Knuckles can effortlessly dig through dirt and rock. Add on his attachable Shovel Claws and he can even tunnel through solid metal.
- Boomstick: With arms that stringy, it makes you wonder where all this strength comes from.
- Wizard: Well, his connection with the Master Emerald is responsible for much of his more absurd attributes, like gliding and punching explosions.
- Wizard: Donkey Kong has done some ridiculous things. With a clap of his hands, he can create a shockwave strong enough to shatter meteors. Also, I exaggerate nothing when I say he ate an entire plantation of bananas in a single afternoon.
- Boomstick: He's agile enough to dodge arrows on a narrow ledge, and tough enough to survive point blank explosions, multiple times!
- Wizard: But most impressively, after surviving an explosion that launched him into orbit, he used a fully charged Giant Punch to send a moon careening into the planet.
- Boomstick: Knucks can shatter boulders, dodge machine guns, ride atop flying jets and missiles like skateboards, oh, and he can breathe in space.
- Wizard: He's matched and even trumped Sonic in battle, runs fast enough to cut holes in the ground, is strong enough to uproot massive trees...
- Boomstick: Hell, he's strong enough to throw this!
- [shows Knuckles throwing a Mongroun]
- Wizard: With a single punch, he can trigger a volcanic eruption. Doing so requires displacing pressure in a volcano's magma chamber. At minimum, this can sit around 3,280 feet or one kilometer below the Earth's surface. Knuckles had to have punched the ground with at least 3.9 megatons of force, over three times more powerful than the highest yield bomb in the U.S. nuclear stockpile.
- Boomstick: That's cute. How about the time he punched the moon? One day, Eggman blew up half the moon, and rebuilt it into a robot moon, because... well, he gets off on that shit.
- Wizard: Via remote control, Eggman actually changed the moon's orbit to create a never ending eclipse.
- Boomstick: But never fear, Knuckles just dove out into outer space and punched the remote control into dust, causing an explosion visible from Earth.
- Wizard: And returning the moon to its normal orbit.
- Boomstick: [about Donkey Kong] He apparently expands his power by using both his bananas and... his body hair, like a monkey Burt Reynolds. If he gets a haircut, though, he loses his power and looks really weird.
- Wizard: Wow... I... Wow. Well, perhaps DK's cranial deformity is linked to his greatest weakness. You see, Donkey Kong is kind of an idiot.
- Boomstick: We're talking about an ape who didn't realize he was following his own treasure map, until after he found the bananas it led to.
- Wizard: Or, while suffering from amnesia, a pirate crocodile was able to convince him that he was a crocodile, through song and dance. Donkey Kong joined in, singing about physical features he clearly does not possess.
- Boomstick: He's also just as lazy as he is stupid. One time, he and Diddy were making a killing selling frozen coconuts and could've had all the bananas they ever wanted, but the simple task of just cracking coconuts open all day was too strenuous for the big ape, so he sold the business for a couple measly bananas.
- Wizard: Bananas are the only motivator that seem to work on DK, but they're also the only one he needs to bring out the big guns.
- Boomstick: If something separates him from his precious fruit stockpile, someone is going to die!
- Boomstick: [about Knuckles' powers] Having these abilities isn't enough to let him win every time, especially when his biggest obstacle is his own brain.
- Wizard: Knuckles is illiterate, doesn't know left from right, and one time, didn't realize until too late that he was eating a napkin.
- Boomstick: Hey, give credit where it's due, Wiz. When he did figure it out, he stuck to his guns and finished every bite of that damn napkin. It's dinner and clean up at the same time!
- Wizard: He hardly ever strategizes before combat, preferring to run in swinging.
- Boomstick: Hey, whatever works.
- Wizard: It doesn't. Well, not all the time. And despite being mortal enemies, Dr. Eggman has duped Knuckles into allying with him on multiple occasions. It's happened so often by now, you have to wonder who's side he's really on.
- Boomstick: Hey, his fists can blow the top off a volcano, so why waste precious time on things like reasoning?
- [Donkey Kong had completely vanquished Knuckles]
- Wizard: Knuckles may have had the edge in speed and agility, but his stubborn strategy of rushing in only played into Donkey Kong's favor by keeping close and in range.
- Boomstick: Both were tough enough to survive atmospheric reentry and the vacuum of space, but only Donkey Kong has also survived an explosion strong enough to launch him into orbit in the first place.
- Wizard: Knuckles and DK may have punched moons, but both feats are not precisely what they seem. The moon Donkey Kong punched belongs to the Mario universe, and is clearly smaller than our own moon. By comparing the size to that of Donkey Kong Island, we found this moon is approximately 2,775 feet in diameter and weighs 9.9 quadrillion tons. Knocking it out of orbit means DK punched it with a strike of over 3,000 megatons of force.
- Boomstick: So, not quite as impressive as punching our real moon, but hey, still way better than what Knuckles can do. Knuckles only destroyed a receiver controlling the moon's flight path.
- Wizard: And although the moon's orbit changed afterwards, it's unreasonable to say Knuckles is responsible. He has no other feats supporting this outlier, and the moon was previously established to move itself due to being... part robot now. Sonic lore.
- Boomstick: Knuckles' speed wasn't enough when DK was just that much stronger and tough enough to take anything thrown at him. DK just wasn't echidna-ing around.
- Wizard: The winner is Donkey Kong.