- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, look, there is no way in hell they're gonna stay here, cause they're gonna get possessed, then they're gonna be on the night train to Kill-adelphia.
- Kelly Maxwell: With stops in Choke-lahoma City, and Die-ami.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Nice.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, number one, it's my book, has been for 30 years. Number two, I'm on your damn property, because I'm here to save a little somethin' I call "Earth."
- Ruby Knowby: You know what I've been doing these past 30 years? Cleaning up your messes so they don't destroy a giant thing that *everyone* calls the "Earth." And what you accomplished in all these years? You put a chainsaw on your stump? Congratulations.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You know, it's a lot harder than it looks. Name one other person that has a functioning chainsaw arm.
- Ruby Knowby: This has to stop. You've got the Necronomicon, and you need to give it to me. So where is it?
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: None of your beeswax. I will tell this though, pretty soon it's gonna be six feet under.
- Ruby Knowby: Oh, you're gonna bury it?
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Bet your bippy. I found that out during a drug fueled trip.
- Ruby Knowby: So your entire plan to save the world comes courtesy from a bong hit?
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: No. I didn't smoke the drug, lady. I *drank* the drug, which gave my mind a backstage pass to the reality show. I'm gonna bury it in the basement, then I can finally say to evil, "Hey evil, why don't you eat my butt?"
- Ruby Knowby: Wonderful imagery, but it won't work even if you just bury the book.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: That's what my vision says.
- Ruby Knowby: Then your vision is stupid.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, you're right. It is kinda stupid. Almost as stupid as your stupid face.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, how'd you know it was really me?
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: Well, first off, you're racist, but not against Asians.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, why would I be? They give such incredible massages, with those teeny hands.
- Kelly Maxwell: Also, you tried to take the easy way out. Total Ash move.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: What? Come on.
- Kelly Maxwell: The only person you're really to lay down and die for is you.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, that's because I'm very important to me.
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: Yeah, we definitely shot the right one.
- Kelly Maxwell: I'm reconsidering.
- Necronomicon: Ash, if you bury me, you stop being a Superman, and go back being a stock boy.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Things were going fine with Amanda too but that went south, all because of that goddamn book.
- Kelly Maxwell: No disrespect, but you were the one who read from it.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: No disrespect, Kelly, if you live in the past, you hurt the future.