The Trail to Oregon! (2015)

Jeff Blim: Father

Photos 

Quotes 

• Son : Goodbye, Dad. I guess I'm Mom's only son now.

  Father : You were always Mom's only son. I'm the father, remember?

  Son : Oh. Well I loved you like a brother.

• Grandpa : The truth is...

  [sighs] 

  Grandpa : this is hard for me to say. The truth is... I never banished any lobsters to the sea.

  Father : [Long pause]  I know that, Dad.

  Grandpa : They banished me to the land.

  Father : [Yells]  What are you talking about?

• [accepting her imminent death from dysentery] 

  Daughter : It's all right, family. This was God's will and we all know that God is a...

  Daughter , Father , Mother , Son , Grandpa : [together]  Vicious, two-faced prick.

  Daughter : At least maybe when I go to Heaven, I'll finally be reunited with my one true love, the Bandit King.

  [does the Bandit King move] 

  Daughter : And his one true love, Cletus Jones.

• Mother : [sings]  Slippery When Wet and I'm a mother of two / Could have been a banker, guess a farmer will do / Why did you get to choose?

  Father : Well, I don't know if you know this about me, but... I wrote the show. It's how this one goes.

  Mother : Well we aren't gonna get very far as a bunch of fucking farmers.

• Father : Have you ever heard the saying the blind leading the blind? That's what this trip is all about. Remembering old sayings.

• Father : But you know what kids, sometimes things just happen. And sometimes God... is a vicious, two-faced prick.

• Mother : This ox doesn't have any teeth. Or eyes.

  Father : That's right, honey. That way he can't eat us or watch us undress. We do have a young daughter to think of. Now don't get any ideas, you horny ox.

• Mother : Look, we are out here starving in the middle of the woods and you wanna crawl up on me and inject me with your filth? Blegh.

  Father : Why you gotta say it like that?

• Father : Honey. I just want to double check... if we're talking about a literal, actual dog? Then yeah, to hell with the dog, family first, I won't ask for a dog again! But we're talking about me...

  Mother : Yes, we're talking about you.

  Father : Then my opinion of that dog's completely different!

• Grandpa : [to Audience Member]  What was that? Tittymitty?

  Father : How do you feel about that, Grandpa?

  Grandpa : [Grinning]  I like that name.

  Father : He likes it a lot, you made him happy.

• Father : That's what this trip is all about. Chewing grass.

• Father : Look out, Oregon, 'cause here come the... I'm looking for a last name.

  [Audience member calls out something] 

  Father : The Dikrats.

• [first lines] 

  Father : [sings]  Good mo - or - nin!

• Father : We're farmers you see, which means we don't need things like food. We can live off the land. All we're looking for is the bare essentials... boxes and boxes of bullets.

• Father : All right, on three. What's this trip all about? One, two, three!

  Mother : Dying.

  [Said at the same time] 

  Daughter : Eating grass.

  [Said at the same time] 

  Son : Skinny dipping!

  [Said at the same time] 

  Horny Ox : I'm a monster!

  [Said at the same time] 

• Mother : And you, Jack Bauer. This is your family now. You have to lead them without me. And you can do it, you have changed.

  Father : Really, I have?

  Mother : Well... kind of. Uh, a little bit... well you know, enough to make me believe in you. But I swear if you backslide I will fly down from God's heaven and I will smack you into the devil's hell.

• Father : Alright pioneers, what do you say? What would you like to name me, your wagon leader?

  [Audience yells names] 

  Father : What did you say? Ah, Jack Bauer.

  [sighs happily] 

• Mother : [sings]  Come on, Jack Bauer, the water's just right...

  Father : Be right there, honey.

  [last lines] 

• Son : [sings, taking clothes off]  Splashy, splashy, there's nothing more fun / Than dropping trou and getting some sun / You can skinny if you're fat or old / Put Marco Polo in a wrestling hold

  Father : There's his penis.