- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: The other first thing I got to do is some cardio, 'cause my heart is jackhammering like a quarterback on prom night.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Goodbye forever, Kelly.
- Kelly Maxwell: Touch me again, and you're gonna need another wooden hand.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, wait. Another wooden hand in place of my real hand, or another wooden hand in place of my wooden hand?
- Kelly Maxwell: Your real hand!
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yo, Granny.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Hope you took your Geritol...
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: 'Cause it's time to dance!
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Do me a favor, will ya? Thank your mother for me? She passed the genes down to you in all the right places.
- Amanda Fisher: I just thought I saw something. But I can't really trust my eyes these days.
- Ruby Knowby: There's nothing wrong with your eyes. Sometimes what you think you saw is exactly what you saw.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Relax, sweetheart.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I'm not sticking my neck out for anybody.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: In fact, I'm just about to haul nuggies.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Goodbye forever, Kelly.
- [touches Kelly's face]
- Kelly Maxwell: [smashes Ash's head into the countertop] Touch me again, and you're gonna need another wooden hand.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, wait. Another wooden hand in place of my real hand, or another wooden hand in place of my wooden hand?
- Kelly Maxwell: Your real hand!
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: This is gonna hurt. One more for papa! Yeah! Looking good, looking sweet! Uhuhuh! Hahaha!
- [winks]
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Relax, sweetheart. I'm not sticking my neck out for anybody. In fact, I'm just about to haul nuggies.
- Mr. Roper: Are you really going to use your fucking lizard as an excuse to get out of work again?
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I am.
- Mr. Roper: OK. Look, you retard. And I can say retard because my gardner is a huge one. I know all about you. You think you can't get fired 'cause you have seniority? Ha ha ha. OK, technically you're correct, but that doesn't mean I have to help you.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: So, to be clear, that's a nay nu on the paycheck?