- Charles Boyle: [Speaking to Hitchcock & Scully] You're useless. You are completely useless. You are, without a doubt, the most incompetent detectives I've ever seen. And I am including that bomb sniffing dog that humps all the bombs!
- Jake Peralta: I know technically I'm not supposed to help out, but rules are made to be broken.
- Amy Santiago: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
- Jake Peralta: Uh, piñatas.
- Rosa Diaz: Glow sticks.
- Jake Peralta: Karate boards.
- Rosa Diaz: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
- Jake Peralta: Rules.
- Geoffrey Hoytsman: You never should have arrested me.
- Jake Peralta: But I basically got your cocaine charges dropped. You only had to do 40 hours of community service.
- Geoffrey Hoytsman: Right, but I wanted to get them all done at once, so for energy, I did way too much cocaine and meth. Went on a prolonged psychotic episode involving assault, public fornication, and, apparently, the touching of my scrotum to every doorknob in a synagogue.
- Jake Peralta: I can prove that I filled up my tank, all right? I even have a receipt, because I keep all my receipts like a mature adult person.
- [Pulls out a pocket-full]
- Jake Peralta: Laser tag, wheelie shoes, remote control monster truck...
- Raymond Holt: I'm gonna need you to hand in your badge and gun.
- Jake Peralta: All right, fine, you can have my badge and gun, but we're doing it in your office so I can slam them down on your desk and yell out, "The system stinks!"
- Raymond Holt: Actually, the procedure is to bring your gun and badge down to the equipment room on the second floor, fill out form 452-underscore-J, hand said form in to the inventory clerk, and then receive a claim check through interoffice mail.
- Jake Peralta: The system stinks!
- Geoffrey Hoytsman: I had everything. I had friends, a wife, two beautiful children... out of three total. Not a bad ratio.
- Charles Boyle: So those threatening phone calls were being made to Tim Orsk of Tim O's Limos.
- Hitchcock: That's interesting. This Orsk guy's name keeps cropping up in this case.
- Charles Boyle: 'Cause he's the victim!
- Raymond Holt: I maintain a strict code of integrity.
- Terry Jeffords: Come on, Captain. You never told a white lie to make a person feel better?
- Raymond Holt: I only lie when someone's safety is at risk. Or if a juvenile aged eight years or younger asks about Santa Claus.
- Terry Jeffords: In which case...
- Raymond Holt: I feed them some reassuring pap about the logical impossibility of proving a negative. It's sentimental drivel, but they eat it up.
- Geoffrey Hoytsman: I had to grab a few things at the art supply store. Kidnapping is 90 percent crafting.
- Rosa Diaz: Jake, you're suspended. Just go home, have a beer, and smash something. That's what I'd do.
- Jake Peralta: People are gonna notice if I disappear.
- [His phone beeps]
- Jake Peralta: See? Someone's already looking for me. You're in big trouble, buddy.
- Geoffrey Hoytsman: [Reads] Your e-coupon for Big Mike's Calzones expires today.
- Jake Peralta: You're damn right. And if I don't redeem that, Big Mike is gonna get real suspicious.
- Geoffrey Hoytsman: [after Jake headbutts him] Ow! God! That's my nose! That's where I put the drugs in!