- Chanel Oberlin: I only gave you the job of tallying the votes because I thought you Rain Man types were super-good at counting. Or are you one of those idiot savants who's heavy on the idiot, light on the savant?
- Jennifer: I am neither, thank you very much. Years before the psychoanalytic society of America decided there was money to be made by creating what they called "the autism spectrum," I would've been considered a daydreamer or quirky, like a young Zooey Deschanel. I am not an idiot or a moron, I am simply a victim of my times.
- Hester Ulrich: Are you aware your pants are on backwards?
- Chanel #3: My sex life up until this point is what you'd call unusual. When I turned 18, I started dating one of my dad's friends. He committed suicide by running himself over with a golf cart at the club. The guy I dated here last year got so obsessed with my ears he had to leave school. Now he writes me letters threatening to cut them off if he ever sees them again. Which is why I always wear my earmuffs.
- Chanel #3: I'm Charles Manson's daughter. His charisma and madness is in my blood. When I love someone, it drives them insane.
- [Chad prepares to break a window so Chanel can escape]
- Chanel Oberlin: Save me and I'm yours forever!
- Chad Radwell: Uh... I'm not really sure I'm ready for that level of commitment.
- Chanel Oberlin: Chad, please? I'm trapped in the house with a killer! Break the glass!
- Chad Radwell: Not until you take back what you said.
- Chanel Oberlin: Fine, just save me, Chad!
- Chad Radwell: And?
- Chanel Oberlin: And I'm yours for an amount of time you feel is appropriate.
- Chad Radwell: Stand back, fair maiden. Chad's about to be a hero.
- Chanel #3: Believe me when I say that if it was possible for me to feel anything, I would totally be crying right now.
- Chanel Oberlin: #5, truth or dare?
- Chanel #5: Truth.
- Chanel Oberlin: Okay, #5, does your vagina have teeth?
- Chanel #5: That's insane. No, it doesn't, Chanel.
- Chanel Oberlin: I thought she wasn't allowed to lie.
- Chanel #5: I'm not lying. My vagina doesn't have teeth.
- Chanel Oberlin: Can I rephrase the question? Does your vagina STILL have teeth?
- Chanel #5: No, the answer is no!
- Chanel Oberlin: No, it no longer has teeth? So it used to have teeth but you got them removed?
- Chanel #5: No, I didn't.
- Chanel Oberlin: So your vagina still has teeth? Which one is it, #5? Sounds like you're trapped in a web of lies!
- Chad Radwell: I was waiting to talk to you about this cuz secretly I was hoping you'd be killed and I wouldn't have to hurt your feelings. I just don't think it would work out with us. You're nuts. And not like a typical crazy-ass coed, but wake-up-with-my-penis-in-a-jar lunatic. Now that puts me in a tough spot because that also means you'd also be the screw of my life. I mean, that kind of insanity means your muffin, it's Space Mountain loads of fun! I love Space Mountain, best ride at Disneyland. But I love my penis more.
- Chanel #5: I'm a freak! I mean, the only reason I'm in this house is because I'm a legacy. Nobody actually likes me. Chanel has the whole campus convinced that my vagina has teeth!
- Chanel #3: You are totally gonna find another guy. You're super-cute, and you're a Kappa. And I'm sure there's some awesome dude out there who will accept you for who you are, vaginal teeth and all.
- Sam: I think the only way to be sure of your feelings is if you let me gently rub your uterus right now.
- Chanel Oberlin: One recent stormy night, Chad and I watched Panic Room on Netflix, and Chad was like, "You totally need one of those," but Jodie Foster's was small and gross, so I decided to have the whole house turned into a panic room.
- Chanel #5: Guys, I am freaking out! I hate being trapped in small places!
- Grace Gardner: Okay, this house is literally, like, 15,000 square feet.
- Chad Radwell: Look Chanel, before I come and save you and whatnot, I gotta get some things off my chest. A, I had sex with the dean.
- Chanel Oberlin: What?
- Chad Radwell: Look, I'm prepared to say I'm sorry I did that. What I'm not prepared to do is say the sex was bad because it was not. Oh also, I hooked up with the security guard, Denise.
- Chanel Oberlin: Officer Hemphill?
- Chad Radwell: Yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna apologize for that.
- Chad Radwell: Of course you're the killer. Your dad's Charles Manson, dude. If you're not the killer you should probably, you know, give it a shot. I think you'd be pretty good at it.
- Chanel #3: Thanks.
- Chad Radwell: The killer took all the food out of all the cabinets and left us nothing but watermelon wine coolers in the fridge. He's trying to starve us to death!
- Hester Ulrich: There's never any food in there, just laxatives. Chanel's orders.
- Hester Ulrich: Chad, after our erotic bonding session in the cemetery and our coitus interruptus in the haunted house, I got the impression that you and I are on the verge of being the next it couple.
- Chad Radwell: Yeah... I just don't know what would make you think that.
- Hester Ulrich: You texted me saying we were on the verge of being the next it couple, Hester, love Chad.
- Chad Radwell: See, this is the problem with texting, you know. You can't hear the context.
- Chad Radwell: I am super-turned on from her and I need some sweet release. Is there any, like, Crisco or cooking oil here? Just like, dry handies bum me out.
- Chanel Oberlin: The killer is standing right in front of us. Pretty convenient that you're the one who found the body.
- Hester Ulrich: I would be offended by that accusation, Chanel, if I wasn't so honored that you were thinking about me.
- Hester Ulrich: I suggest that just have someone stand guard and watch me for the rest of the night, or until someone else dies, therefore proving that I am not the killer. I nominate Chad.
- Chanel Oberlin: Screw that, Evil Harrington!
- Chanel #3: Sam dying taught me that next time I feel love for someone, I'm going to tell them - right away - just in case they're murdered before I can.
- Chanel #5: It was like her final gift to you.
- Chanel #3: That's a nice way of thinking about it. It makes me feel a little less guilty about condemning her to die by daring her to go down to the basement alone.
- Chanel #3: We can be alibilibidibuddies and do our best to protect each other, but our vaginas may never touch. It's too dangerous.
- Chanel Oberlin: I'm not gonna be co-president with a pledge! Farty McCandlewax clearly miscounted the votes!
- Grace Gardner: Calm down, Chanel. It's not Farty's fault.
- Chanel Oberlin: It's not my fault that my pumpkin patch was canceled. It's not my fault that some people didn't vote for me because they were too intimidated by my hotness. It's not my fault that because someone is killing Kappas, I didn't have time to individually bribe each and every one of you to vote for me. No, clearly there is only one person to blame for all of this: #5.
- Chanel #5: Wait, what?
- Chanel Oberlin: I hate all of you for letting me down tonight, but #5, I hate you the most. I know it's on me that I chose idiots and weirdos to be my minions, but you are by far the most idiotic and the most weird and so I blame you more than any of them for not finding a way to ensure I retain my presidency tonight!
- Chanel Oberlin: Brilliant performance, I know. I've had to develop some serious acting skills to have sex with Chad.
- Chanel Oberlin: We all know you've been cozying up to Predatory Lez because you think she knows karate.
- Chanel #3: I just like hanging out with her. She's cool to talk to. She knows a lot about... stuff.
- Chanel Oberlin: Are you going lesbian, #3? Because while I get that lezzie pledge is kind of cute in a 'If Bruce Lee were a D.J.' kinda way, I don't think we should be having sex with pledges!
- Zayday Williams: There are two things that always happen at a slumber party: someone always experiments with lesbianism and secrets are revealed.
- Chad Radwell: Brother Caufield, you just chugged four liters of canned pasta in 45 seconds! So if anybody ever tells you that just because you got your arms chopped off by a serial killer that somehow you're handicapped, you have them give me a call and I'm gonna tell them this story.
- Earl Grey: Look, mate, there's a nasty rumor going around saying you're having sex with... the dean.
- Chad Radwell: That is not a nasty rumor, that is a true rumor. I am totally porkin' Dean Munsch! The chick is smokin'!
- Earl Grey: There's also another rumor saying that you slept with one of the security guards.
- Chad Radwell: Denise Hemphill. Um, yeah! I mean, she is fun! I'm not kidding, I mean, that girl knows what she is doing!
- Caulfield: Look, Chad, we've talked about this as a house and we all agree it's super weird that you sleep with so many old people.
- Chad Radwell: Hmmm. Uh, wow. You guys have really given me something to think about. While I've always believed one of the most fun parts of college life is sleeping with the faculty, I now realize that concentrating on porking popular girls, it's in all of our best interest.
- Chanel Oberlin: I don't understand why we're playing Spin the Bottle. There are exactly zero wangers here.
- Chanel #3: Was I interrupting you?
- Sam: No, it's cool. I was just practicing looking disinterested.
- Chanel #3: Do you do that too? Because when I was a kid, no one liked me cuz my dad was rich so I started acting like I didn't care. But then I realized I really wasn't pretending and I actually didn't care.
- Zayday Williams: What are you guys doing?
- Chanel Oberlin: Making chocolate-covered-peanuts for Chanel's special s'mores.
- Grace Gardner: But those are packing peanuts. That doesn't seem healthy.
- Chanel Oberlin: Uh yeah, it cuts the calorie content in, like, half.
- Chanel Oberlin: Chad, listen, you have to help us. We're trapped in the house and the power went out and my phone is the only one that's working because I'm pretty sure the killer knocked down a cell tower or something.
- Chad Radwell: Wait, why does yours work?
- Chanel Oberlin: Because mine's a satellite phone! Elon Musk gave it to me, it's designed for space travel. My dad is super-gross-rich, Chad!
- Chad Radwell: I know, that's my favorite thing about you, baby!
- Chanel Oberlin: Chad, I am about to get murdered, so can you please just hang up and get over here?
- Chad Radwell: Chad Radwell is on the way.
- Chanel Oberlin: I love you, Chad.
- [awkward silence]
- Chanel Oberlin: Hello?
- Chad Radwell: I love you too, sorta.
- Roger: I thought you said Chanel had all the windows bomb-proofed so that we can't break them.
- Chad Radwell: Yeah, the downstairs windows, dude. Why would you bomb-proof upstairs windows? For like, a flying bomb?
- Caulfield: A flying bomb would be a missile, Chad.
- Chad Radwell: Honestly, where is the Red Devil gonna get a missile? Don't be an idiot!
- [the Red Devil killer knocks Caufield off a ladder]
- Earl Grey: What do we do now?
- Chad Radwell: The only thing we can do: give him the dignity of watching him die.
- Grace Gardner: Maybe we all just need to get out of here, leave school. The best way to avoid a shark attack is to not go in the water.
- Zayday Williams: We all have a crisis of faith sometimes, but no one is gonna tell a sisterhood with Zayday Williams as the president when they can and can't go swimming.
- Zayday Williams: When it's your turn you have a choice of truth or dare. If you choose truth, you HAVE to tell the truth. And if you choose dare... I don't know, maybe you're hiding somethin'.
- Jennifer: But wouldn't you just lie? I mean, if I were the killer, I'd pick truth and then just lie.
- Chad Radwell: Uh well, the game's not Truth or Dare or Lie. It's just Truth or Dare. If you wanna lie, you can just pick dare.
- Jennifer: No, you'd pick truth and then you'd lie.
- Chad Radwell: Uh no, you can't lie. That's the whole point of Truth or Dare, you can't lie.
- Jennifer: But...
- Chad Radwell: I'm sorry, the game's pretty damn simple! Okay, it's TRUTH OR DARE! Alright, if you pick truth, you have to tell the truth! If you pick dare, it's gonna be really suspicious and I'm gonna think you had something to do with my sweet bro Boone dying, and my rad bro Caufield getting his arms... and then his head chopped off!
- Roger: And Dodger.
- Chad Radwell: Will you stop whining about Dodger? Everybody agrees that dude was holding you back! Nobody misses him! Now let's play some Truth or Dare and find out who the killer is!
- [to Chanel]
- Chad Radwell: I love boning girls all over this great land. But really, at the end of the day I just kinda wanna bone one girl. Like that one special girl. I don't know, I just didn't think that girl was you because, obviously there's so much wrong with you. But then I think about the good things about you, like... like how gullible you are, how rich your dad is, and when I think about that girl - the really rich one who's easy to trick - I think she's pretty special too.
- [Sam has been suffocated with plastic]
- Chad Radwell: Dude, she looks like pre-packaged meat from the supermarket.
- Zayday Williams: Chanel #3 is standing right here! Show some respect!
- Chanel #3: We weren't dating.
- Chanel Oberlin: If she's dead and all the doors are locked from the outside, that means the killer is in the house!
- Jennifer: Oh God, has someone checked on the kids?
- Chanel Oberlin: You can knock of the neckbrace-in-the-headlights act. You're the darkest bitch of them all... #3 told me that you were the one who turned me into the police.
- Hester Ulrich: Those are some serious accusations and they make no sense considering everything that I've seen and done for you here, Chanel. Miss Bean, #2. I would be opening myself up to a lot of trouble if I were to turn you into the authorities.
- Grace Gardner: It doesn't do any of us any good to start accusing each other with no evidence. But it is pretty suspicious that you're the one who found the body, Hester.
- Roger: It feels so good now that my brother's gone. It is such a relief! Like, the only time we've ever been apart was the two minutes that separated our birth. The only bummer is, like, we created this amazing clicking language and now I have nobody to use it with.
- Chanel Oberlin: Okay, here's what we know. One, #5 is a psychopath who no one likes. Two, she went in the closet to play Seven Minutes in Heaven with her boyfriend and then he ends of up dead. Clearly Chanel #5 is the killer!
- Chad Radwell: But when the Dickie Dollars got attacked and Caufield got his arms chopped off, there were two devils. Dos diablos.
- Chanel Oberlin: Okay, fine, Hester is one of the killers and the other is Chanel #5!