Archer (TV Series)

Three to Tango (2015)

Aisha Tyler: Lana Kane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Slater : [points to door with thumb]  I'm gonna go.

  Sterling Archer : [walking in with Lana and baby Abbiejean]  Good. Why are you here in the first place?

  Malory Archer : Mr. Slater...

  Slater : Just "Slater"! And hang on.

  [to Archer] 

  Slater : Excuse me, are you and I gonna have a problem?

  Sterling Archer : [pouring a drink]  I mean, I'm sure we will at some point, but...

  Malory Archer : Sterling, Mr...

  Slater : [firmly]  *Just* "Slater".

  Malory Archer : has...

  Slater : Had...

  Malory Archer : [appeasingly]  an important assignment for us, which I'm sure we can... kick right through the basket for

  [makes "touchdown" gesture] 

  Malory Archer : a home run.

  Slater : [pointing to door]  I'm gonna go.

  Lana Kane : [stops him, speaking softly]  Look, you're already here.

  [runs a finger down his chest] 

  Lana Kane : Why not just tell us what the mission is?

  Slater : I will, but only because I choose to. One of our... well, I guess you can call him a freelancer...

  Sterling Archer : What do you call him?

  Slater : I call him a freelancer. So shut up, please. Anyway, he needs an extraction from

  [in Latin American accent] 

  Slater : Buenos Aires.

  Sterling Archer : Ugh, it's just us. You can say, "Buaynos Air-eez."

  Lana Kane : And-

  [aside to Archer] 

  Lana Kane : hush.

  [back to Slater] 

  Lana Kane : And what operation is the CIA operating in Argentina?

  Slater : Oh, sorry. It's called "Operation Nunya"?

  Lana Kane : I...

  Slater : As in "Beeswax", Lana.

  Lana Kane : Yes, I...

  Sterling Archer : [muffled into his hands]  Dr. Kane, report to the burn unit.

  Lana Kane : Tooo help a patient who's been burned?

  Sterling Archer : [muffled]  No.

  Slater : Anyway

  [sighs] 

  Slater : his cover's been blown. Argentine Intelligence is onto him and he needs an extraction A.S.A.G.D.M.F.P.

• [discovering their mission is to extract Conway Stern from Argentina] 

  Sterling Archer : Yeah, can I start? You guys mind if I start? I'll start. Are you out of your shitting mind?

  Malory Archer : [simultaneously]  Sterling!

  Slater : [simultaneously]  Excuse me?

  Sterling Archer : He literally stabbed me in the back!

  Slater : Because you jeopardized his mission.

  Lana Kane : What mission? To sell classified military technology to the Chinese?

  Slater : *Phony* technology we *wanted* China to have. They've been chasing their tails on the whisper drive for years.

  Lana Kane : Oh.

  Sterling Archer : "Oh"?

  Malory Archer : I knew it. In my heart of hearts, I knew he was one of good guys.

  Sterling Archer : Literally! The back! Stabbed it!

  Slater : Well, but then you people ripped off his hands, so...

  Sterling Archer : After he literally stabbed me! In the back!

  Malory Archer : Oh, give it a rest, Sterling. I'm sure you did something to deserve it.

  Sterling Archer : What-?

  Malory Archer : But now you have a chance to right that wrong, which is a rare thing.

  Slater : About as rare as getting called up to the majors from single-A ball, which is...

  Lana Kane : Hey!

  Malory Archer : Lana! I'm sure that was a sports analogy meant to be cutting, but we will take the mission, won't we, Sterling?

  Sterling Archer : Huh? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I- It's just, I-I'm worried my entire life I've been misusing the word "literally"!

  [smashed intercom beeps] 

  Cheryl Tunt : [distorted]  And certaintly *over*using.

• Guard : Ay! Coronel!

  Sterling Archer : Um, okay.

  Guard : Su carat, Coronel, por favor.

  Sterling Archer : Uh, bueno. Conmigo estan el Presidente de Brasil. Y su...

  [Archer opens the back window] 

  Sterling Archer : esposa grande.

  Guard : [sighs]  Por supuesto, Coronel Cal... Espere. Lando?

  Guard : [with suspicion, reaching for his holster]  Calrissiano?

  Sterling Archer : So, here's the thing with that.

  [Guard pulls his gun, but tranquilizer dart hits him in the neck] 

  Guard : [holding tranq gun]  Boring conversation anyway.

  Lana Kane : God damn it, Archer!

  Sterling Archer : That's Coronel Calrissiano to you!

  [Archer floors the gas, smashing through the arm and racing into the parking structure] 

  Conway Stern : Archer!

  Lana Kane : Don't drive angry!

  [Archer slams on the brakes amongst more guards] 

  Lana Kane : What the hell are you doing?

  Sterling Archer : I'm Archer-izing this plan!

  Lana Kane : What? No, no! Unh-uh. You cannot make yourself a verb! I will not allow it.

  Sterling Archer : [laughing]  I'm a verb now, Lana. Deal with it!

  [Archer gets out of the car, then ducks back in] 

  Sterling Archer : And then, also, cover me, please.

• Lana Kane : Because, you jackass, to recap: you locked us in the stupid limo!

  Sterling Archer : Well, I still don't see why that means I'm the one that has to carry Pyle.

  Conway Stern : Well, then slice out his retinas, okay?

  Sterling Archer : I can't. It would kill Lou-Ann.

• Sterling Archer : You're not worried?

  Lana Kane : Why should I worry? Because I'm the one that ripped off Conway's hand?

  Sterling Archer : No, about...

  Lana Kane : Or that he'll double-cross us again?

  Sterling Archer : Which, a blow-job says he does. And Mother and Slater and the CIA are idiots for trusting him. But I'm talking about us flying on the same plane, Lana. What if it crashed?

  Lana Kane : Then I wouldn't have had to watch you pound twenty drinks and then try to talk the stewardess into a handjob.

  Sterling Archer : Wh-where are you getting "twenty drinks"?

  Lana Kane : Uh, from ten doubles.

  Sterling Archer : "A", those were mini-bottles; and two, I'm talking about A.J., Lana. Who's going to take care of her if something happens to both of us.

  [Lana is about to say something, then stops] 

  Malory Archer : Well, me, obviously.

  Cyril Figgis : You think- Okay, wow. You think, in the event of their deaths, that you would be A.J.'s legal guardian.

  Malory Archer : Who else would they possibly choose?

  Ray Gillette : You've met yourself, right?

  Ray Gillette : [lights cigarette]  If it's anybody around here, it's me.

  Cyril Figgis : Of course. The one who smokes next to the baby.

  Ray Gillette : Dukes!

  [Ray takes a long draw from his cigarette] 

  Cyril Figgis : Ray!

  [Ray holds up a finger, continues to draw until the cigarette is almost entirely ash, then drops the whole thing into Cyril's coffee] 

  Cyril Figgis : You know...

  [Ray exhales the smoke into Cyril's face, causing him to cough] 

  Malory Archer : [batting away the smoke]  All right, Virginia Slim. You're...

  [she looks into the pram, a startled expression frozen on her face] 

  Malory Archer : [quickly]  Nap time! I have a meeting. Good-bye.

• Sterling Archer : [being choked by a laughing Conway Stern]  How do you still have two hands?

  [Stern tears at Conway's left hand, revealing bionics] 

  Sterling Archer : You cyborg son-of-a-bitch.

  [Lana hits Conway over the head with the teapot she's been making tea with while humming to the tango tune playing throughout their fight. The music stops] 

  Lana Kane : You're out... of sugar.

  [Conway groans] 

  Sterling Archer : [hoarsely]  Oh good. You're making tea. 'Cause I could use some with honey and lemon. And bourbon. But actually, without the honey and lemon. And the tea.

  Lana Kane : So just bourbon.

  Sterling Archer : But I doubt if the...

  Conway Stern : Aah.

  Sterling Archer : [normal voice]  Oh, shut up. Don't ruin it. I had something for...

  Conway Stern : Puke Skywalker? Mm.

  Sterling Archer : God damn it! Anyway, I doubt the robot has any bourbon, and I'm not really in the mood for a WD-40 and Coke. Unless that is, literally, the only thing to drink.

• Conway Stern : Ugh. I think I might be concussed. "Hell hath no fury," huh?

  Lana Kane : Meaning?

  Conway Stern : "As a woman scorned," Lana. Remember? I kinda scorned you last time we met?

  Lana Kane : [chuckling]  Yeah, you are definitely concussed.

  Sterling Archer : Not to mention a Decepticon! Where the hell did you get a bionic hand?

  Conway Stern : Uh...

  Doctor Krieger : [flashback]  So, what's new? How you been?

  Conway Stern : Shhharper Image?

  Lana Kane : Uh-huh. Sounds more like Krieger.

  Sterling Archer : Jesus Christ! Will he not rest until we've all been enslaved by Skynet?

  Lana Kane : Hey, we are leaving in five, so...

  Sterling Archer : Just as soon as I enjoy this here Vermante and Kanya smoothie with a WD-40 float.

  [drinks some from a straw, coughs] 

  Sterling Archer : Ugh, although "enjoy" is maybe a bit strong.

• Lana Kane : Hey! Enough, you two!

  Sterling Archer , Conway Stern : Tell him that!

  Lana Kane : Pretty sure I just did.

• Lana Kane : Wait. You already knew the code?

  Sterling Archer : Of course he did, he's a cyborg. It was probably Gaius Baltar's...

  [Conway Stern shoots Archer in the back five times. Literally] 

  Lana Kane : Archer? You double-crossing son-of-a-bitch!

  Sterling Archer : [out of breath]  Cahh- called it.

  Conway Stern : Well, yeah. Come on. We all saw this comin'. Now, drop 'em.

  [Lana drops her two guns] 

  Sterling Archer : I-I was gonna say, "zip code," guys.

• Lana Kane : And what are you doing in the window?

  Conway Stern : [a la Chuck D]  Base!

  Conway Stern : [normal voice]  Jumping.

  [laughs] 

  Conway Stern : This is a parachute.

• Sterling Archer : [with a southern accent]  Ma, they got ol' Lando this time.

  Sterling Archer : [coughs up some blood]  I'm done for.

  Lana Kane : Archer, shut up. You're gonna be okay.

  Sterling Archer : You really think so?

  [sound of a vehicle approaching] 

  Lana Kane : I mean, maybe.

  [a hearse drifts a corner and races up to them] 

  Lana Kane : Although that can't bode well.

• Sterling Archer : So, about this blowjob.

  Lana Kane : Shut up.

• Slater : [laughing]  Come on. We're not going to put a couple of untested rookies in the starting line-up of game seven of the World...

  [Lana closes the partition, cutting Slater off] 

  Sterling Archer : Seriously, okay, as I was saying...

  Lana Kane : [yelling]  God damn it, Archer! I'm not giving you a blowjob!

  Sterling Archer : Not that. A.J. If something happens to us...

  Lana Kane : I really don't think that this is the time to talk about that.

  Sterling Archer : When then?

  Sterling Archer : [coughs]  Why don't you want to talk about it, Lana?

  Lana Kane : [sighs]  Because I'm afraid it'll hurt your feelings.

• [last lines] 

  Sterling Archer : You have a sister?

  Lana Kane : [groans]  Yes, Archer, I have a sister.

  [pause] 

  Sterling Archer : She younger?

  [pause, then Lana pushes the head wrap that she's been holding against Archer's wounds against him harder]