ANI: A Parody (2014)

Joe Walker: Tarkin

Quotes 

• Tarkin : God knows we can't just keep calling it the Death Star.

• Ani : Hey Tarky, what do you call a guy that drinks too much java? Like he drinks so much java he gets all fat like a slug and he can't move? What do you call him?

  Tarkin : [pause]  Yes, well, I think I know the punchline, but it's so stupid I almost don't want to say it out loud.

• Ani : Has anyone ever screwed up and said that? They'd be like, "Hey! Quit Tarkin all the muff! Has anyone ever done that?

  Tarkin : [Glares at Ani]  Yes, well actually, you've yelled that at me a number of times.

• Tarkin : Oh, they're coming over here! Please pretend I've said something very humorous!

  Ani : Got it.

  [laughs loudly] 

  Ani : You're right, the Death Star does look like a huge tit!

• Tarkin : Uohhh. Pappy wouldn't like that. Pappy wouldn't like any of this.

• Obi-Wan Kenobi : You see, only a Sith deals in absolutes.

  Tarkin : Wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense at all.

  Obi-Wan Kenobi : I on the other hand, deal in Absolut!

  [drinks from a bottle of vodka] 

  Obi-Wan Kenobi : Whoo! We're having fun now, man!

• Tarkin : Do you remember Ani?

  Obi-Wan Kenobi : Yes. I loved him like a brother. So I cut him in half... and I put him in a volcano.

  Tarkin : Oh... well... he's better now.

• Tarkin : You can take that promotion, and you can stick it in your dark side, sir!

• Tarkin : I don't even like boobs. *I mean* I like your boobs. *I mean* Oh dear!

• Tarkin : [Mimics Hayden Christiansen]  My heart is beating, hoping that that kiss will not become a sca-arrr...