Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Rise of the Commercials (2014)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Father, Boss

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Hey, Nintendo: The greatest family-friendly system ever. God, I remember when they used to make it look like it could make your house soar or it could blast you out of your seat or it could open up a world of imagination you never thought possible. God I adored those whimsical commercials. So go ahead, show us what's in store for this one.

  Creepy Nintendo Guy : [Mario Bros. theme plays as the Nintendo logo appears. Music changes to the Koopa theme as the Creepy Nintendo Guy appears]  We are Nintendo. Ultimate TV game system.

  Nostalgia Critic : Who are you?

  Creepy Nintendo Guy : We challenge all players.

  Nostalgia Critic : You don't look friendly.

  Creepy Nintendo Guy : You cannot beat us and your zapper gun...

  [Duck Hunt Dog giggles as a 3D image of him appears on screen. Critic cringes] 

  Duck Hunt Dog : You cannot beat us.

  Nostalgia Critic : Duck Hunt Dog, why are you so scary now?

  Creepy Nintendo Guy : Even with your robot partner...

  [Enemy from Gyromite appears] 

  Enemy from Gyromite : You cannot beat us.

  Creepy Nintendo Guy : So one player.

  [Lakitu appears] 

  Lakitu : You cannot beat us.

  Nostalgia Critic : [Trembling voice]  Can I play some Mario now?

  Creepy Nintendo Guy : Discover new worlds...

  [3D image of Bowser appears] 

  Bowser : You cannot beat us.

  Nostalgia Critic : Are you stealing my soul while I watch you?

  Duck Hunt Dog : You cannot beat us.

  Enemy from Gyromite : You cannot beat us.

  Lakitu : You cannot beat us.

  Creepy Nintendo Guy , Duck Hunt Dog , Enemy from Gyromite , Lakitu , Bowser : We are Nintendo. We challenge all players. You cannot beat us.

  [Mario Bros. Game Over music plays over Nintendo title screen. Critic sits on the sofa terrified. He gets up and walks quickly to the bathroom and closes the door. Critic screams and diarrhea sounds are heard from behind the door] 

• Kid in Creepy Crawlers Commercial : That's why they call it the Super Oven!

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah! Now that's how you do a boy's toy! There isn't any girl's toy out there that's even remotely close...

  [Channel changes] 

  Easy-Bake Oven Announcer : The new Easy-Bake Oven and Snack Center to make even more treats for you.

  Nostalgia Critic : [Stunned]  Well, our version was better! We couldn't eat ours!

  [a pause] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And live!

  [Looks around awkwardly] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You know I'm beginning to think that boys toys were just girls toys painted a different color and given less options. I feel so used.

  Easy-Bake Oven Announcer : The new Easy-Bake Oven and Snack Center comes with everything you see here. Light bulb not included.

  Nostalgia Critic : [Creepy Crawlers oven pops up in upper left-hand corner]  How could I not see this?

• Nostalgia Critic : We were so obsessed with Ninja Turtles that, literally, all we needed was that first note of the theme song in order to get us hooked. It was pathetic, but literally every kid watching this said...

  [a generic cookie commercial is shown, themed to a dictatorship/dystopia] 

  Nostalgia Critic : "Eh, this looks pretty stupid and lame."

  [suddenly the Ninja Turtles theme start playing; the Critic tosses money in the air] 

  Nostalgia Critic : "Take my money. You play that one note, we buy the stuff. We know how it works."

• Nostalgia Critic : Yes, Apple will save us from the terrifying 1984-style future. For as we can clearly see today, no longer are people lined up like cattle for hours and hours on end. No longer will people dress alike in cold, colorless environments. No longer will any "cultish-style" groups gather together to honor a grand controversial leader. And more importantly, no longer will we be brain-dead, lifeless zombies who plug ourselves into the machine of life we can also call "the system." Thank you, Apple. You have done well.

  Evil Apple Logo : [Evil music plays as the Evil Apple Logo appears. Critic strikes evil pose]  You cannot beat us! You cannot beat us!

• Nostalgia Critic : [Re: Ninja Turtle Cookie Commercial. Kids are seen marching down the hall to the sound of a beating drum]  Good lord, we were really on this dictatorship/dystopia kick for a while, weren't we? What's this one selling?

  Cookie Announcer : There are places where imagination is an outlaw, where freedom is feared, where cookie boredom ruled.

  Nostalgia Critic : Cookie boredom?

  [shouting] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No! No! I will not give into cookie boredom! I will resist you at all costs!

  [Picks up a cookie and looks at it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : FUCK YOU!

  Cookie Announcer : [as kid pulls out the box of Ninja Turtle Cookies]  And there are those who fight back.

  Nostalgia Critic : What? There's someone brave enough to stand up to cookie boredom? Don't you know what you're risking? Cookie Hitler watches EVERYTHING!

  [Ninja Turtles theme plays as the Turtles pop up out of the box and turn the black and white setting into color. The kids' clothes also change to more hip fashions] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, they even had cookies back then. And as someone who tried a box of them once... and am still seeing the doctor about it even to this day, you can imagine they weren't very good.

• Lion Puppet : Always ask someone you love before you put anything in your mouth.

  Nostalgia Critic : Except if that something in your mouth is the person that you love.

  [Booing] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Thank you for watching my commercial special. Tune in next time where I hope to lose even more of you! I'm the Nostalgia Critic and remember...

  Girl Puppet : [singing as Critic starts dancing happily amid the crowd of boos]  Don't you put it in your mouth. Don't you put it in your mouth. Don't you stuff it in your face. Don't stuff it in your face...

  Girl in Douche Commercial : Sometimes I just don't feel fresh.

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Skip-It]  This is the classic ad for a toy that was pretty much jump rope for a disposable income.

  Commercial Announcer : [singing]  But the very best thing of all: there's a counter on this ball.

  Nostalgia Critic : [sarcastically]  Wow, that *is* the best thing of all. Remember when you had to count? Remember the fucking terrible days when you actually had to count? Not only do I get to stay in just one place for hours, but I get to not think of numbers while doing it. This thing's the new iPhone 6!

• Nostalgia Critic : Before everything was EXTREME, everything was SUPER! But they meant totally different things, and don't you forget it.

• Boy in Lazer Tag Commercial : Come on, man. Let's go.

  Nostalgia Critic : [Impersonating Owen Wilson]  We're late for our team: The Owen Wilson Whiners.

• Nostalgia Critic : Mentos was a candy that seemed to solve every stupid problem with an even stupider answer. But because the jackass had Mentos in his hand, that apparently made everything okay!

• Nostalgia Critic : [on the Campbell's soup commercial]  A cute concept and all but my biggest question is who the fuck left their kid outside so long that he would become a snowman? That's just horrible parenting! In any other world, I don't think this would fly over so smoothly.

  Father : [Oh, Christmas Tree music playing in background]  All right, kiddo. I think that's enough playing outside. Time to come on in.

  [Cuts to an image of frozen Tamara standing outside] 

  Father : Need a little help there? Okay.

  [Father brings Tamara inside] 

  Father : Ho, ho, ho, well you look like you were having a lot of fun out there, weren't you?

  [a pause] 

  Father : Indeed. But now it's time to stop playing with your toys,

  [Starts tugging at Tamara's Skip-It toy] 

  Father : so all right now, no... no... come on, honey... come on... come on...

  [Successfully pulls off the Skip-It, along with Tamara's right hand. Laughs] 

  Father : Oh, somebody's growing up. Okay, well, why don't I make you a bowl of your favorite Campbell's soup?

  [Tamara's other hand falls off] 

  Father : I'll take that as a yes.

  [Picks her up and sits her at the table in front of a bowl of soup] 

  Father : Here you go, honey. A bowl of your favorite...

  [Tamara falls face-first into the bowl of soup. Father stands there for a few seconds. Awkwardly] 

  Father : Oh, Christ.

  [Picks up Tamara's head. She obviously looks dead. Father drops her head back into the soup bowl. Looks around awkwardly then runs frantically out of the room] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, it's still classic in many people's eyes and I think it's still gonna be for quite a while longer. Just don't try at home.

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Skip-It commercial]  As much as I love this ad, have you known anyone that was good at it? I mean, fucking anyone? I sure don't. Nobody I knew could ever get the hang of this damn thing. If they really want to get it right, they would have advertised it like this:

  [a commercial starts playing: Malcolm and Tamara play Skip-It while the Critic sings to its jingle] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, kids, there's a new toy in town to get you more acquainted with the ground. It's Trip-It, Trip-It, smashing faces into asphalt.

  [Malcolm trips on his Skip-It and falls down] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Trip-It, Trip-It...

  [Tamara trips on her Skip-It and falls down on top of Malcolm. CG caption "Fun!" appears] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Sue the toy brand, it's their fault. 'Cause the very best thing of all, the phone number's on the ball.

  [CG Caption: 1-800-DON'T-SUE] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Maybe you can take those bastards to court and sue those little fuckers right to their shorts. Trip-It, Trip-It.

  [Logo for Trip-It appears as the Critic speaks] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Trip-It: it's a lawsuit waiting to happen.

• Nostalgia Critic : They're back and they're ready to sell you their shit. Nostalgic Saturday morning commercials are practically a lost art in that... there are no Saturday morning cartoons to play them with. Thanks, non-stop kidsploitation media!

• Crazy Video Game Guy : Star Wars...

  Nostalgia Critic : Speaking of a franchise that was needlessly everywhere...

  Crazy Video Game Guy : [Starts playing the game like a man possessed]  Whoa! TIE-Fighters! Fireballs coming right at me! Watch the laser towers! Aim for the towers!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, my god, guy. Calm down. Pac-Man had more threatening graphics than this.

  Crazy Video Game Guy : The shields are gone! All right! I'M GOING IN!

  Nostalgia Critic : [Imitating Crazy Video Game Guy]  I shouldn't have done that line of coke before playing this! AAAAH!

  [Crazy Video Game Guy's head explodes] 

  Cashier : [Looking shocked at Crazy Video Game Guy's appearance where his hair is standing up on end]  Oh, some game huh?

  Crazy Video Game Guy : SOME GAME!

  Nostalgia Critic : [Imitating Crazy Video Game Guy]  I'm just gonna look at a pop-up book for a minute!

  [Opens pop-up book. Screams] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Jesus, maybe the people in Wolf of Wall Street weren't even doing drugs. Maybe they were just doing the Star Wars Atari game the whole time.

  Jack Dawson : [Caption reads: Before the Star Wars Atari Game]  I work my way from place to place. Got everything I need right here with me.

  [Cuts to Wolf of Wall Street clip with a drugged-out Leo crawling furiously on top of a desk trying to get Jonah Hill. Caption reads "After the Star Wars Atari Game."] 

  Leo in Wolf of Wall Street : [Muttering incoherently]  You fuck! You fuck!

  [Leo falls off the desk still grunting and grabbing at Jonah Hill] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Star Wars: It's that... good?

• Michelangelo : [resembling a crude puppet in a post-TMNT3 commercial]  Hey there, sports dudes!

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Michelangelo]  I'm the melting ass animatronics from "Ninja Turtles 3"!

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: the Incredible Crash Dummies toys]  It was... weird. There was like an evil dummy who wanted to stop their crashing... because that was a thing, I guess. But in theory, it was still kind of cool, because it was the only toy you were expected to break.

• Rocky : [In Lazer Tag commercial, target scanner beeps]  Ha!

  Nostalgia Critic : [Smiling]  What the hell was that?

  Rocky : Ha!

  Nostalgia Critic : [Imitating Rocky]  I just got that joke you told me ten minutes ago. Ha!

  Rocky : Ha!

  Ha : [Australian accent]  Rocky.

  Nostalgia Critic : So "Ha!" and

  [in mock Australian accent] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Rocky are the last ones left. This is far too epic. Slow-mo that bitch so we can enjoy it as long as possible!

  [Rocky flies through the air in slow motion, firing three shots as he goes. Ha's target scanner beeps] 

  Referee : You're out!

  [Ha screams] 

  Lazer Tag Announcer : Lazer Tag. It's hotter than ever.

  Nostalgia Critic : By god, that was incredible. It had action, it had suspense, it had "Ha!" and

  [in mock Australian accent] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Rocky. Lazer Tag Rocky was literally Lazer Tag Rocky! Who can compare with that?

• Kid in Creepy Crawlers Commercial : Now you can make your own Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers!

  [He pulls out a small wax figurine of the original MMPR era Black and Red Rangers] 

  Kid in Creepy Crawlers Commercial : Cool!

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh, to be fair, they look less like Power Rangers and more like skinless human beings, who got White-Out spilled on them. But it captured their nonexistent personalities pretty good.

• Nostalgia Critic : [watching an Incredible Crash Dummies toy commercial in which the Dummies are being dismembered]  Okay, there's playful violence, and then there's "Saw". This is "Saw" waters that you're in.