Blood River (2019) User Reviews

Unbelievably Bad

[bastian-kreuzer · 2/10 · 21 July 2019]

That should be the whole review but I'm supposed to write more.

Maybe there is one reason to watch this. You could get a few laughs at the expense of the ridiculous plot and wooden acting.

There are some things that really boggle one's mind though. A serious filmmaker shouldn't make so many dumb mistakes in one movie. There is so much nonsense in this movie that you have to wonder how it got funded and produced.

Right off the bat you know what you're in for as far as acting is concerned. The dialogue is wooden and slow. These people wouldn't be able to act if their lives depended on it. Linnea Quigley doesn't care. She's there for the check. She didn't even bother to remove her upper lip piercing even though a part of the story happens during the American Civil war. There's a bunch of female nudity in the movie but none of the women are attractive.

Blood River is a town that consists of three shacks and has six inhabitants in total. Two of them are vampires. There's a bar, a garage and a boarding house. There's a lot of woods.

One of the girls gets turned into a vampire. Her fake dentures look like horse's teeth. The second girl that gets turned winds up without her nose. The vampire queen has a couple of extension cords coming out from her lady parts and she sucks blood with them. The guys who fight the vampires just happen to have holy water in their pockets. Things like that happen throughout the movie for no reason whatsoever.

Its hard to find the right words to describe just how bad this movie really is. The acting is terrible. The plot is inane. Things just happen for no reason. The special effects and gore aren't that special. This is an example of pure schlock coming from director Christopher Forbes. Its only watchable for the so bad its actually funny factor. Just make sure you don't pay a single penny to watch it. That would be exactly one penny too much.

Indie trash for two ageing scream queens

[Leofwine_draca · 2/10 · 31 October 2017]

BLOOD RIVER is an example of Z-grade indie horror trash, telling the story of a small wooded town controlled by a clan of witches who butcher and dismember innocent folk. The whole thing screams amateurish with wooden performances and basic point-and-shoot camera-work. In terms of horror content this is very limited, although there's plenty of gratuitous nudity, not much of it appealing. This was shot in South Carolina and is chiefly of interest for featuring two ageing scream queens in the cast: I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE's Camille Keaton and RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD's Linnea Quigley.

Useless

[Gunnar_R_Ingibjargarson · 1/10 · 8 February 2019]

A gang of vampire, rules a small town in the US.

A very amateury horror movie with your typical amateur acting. Very poor.

Bloodless river

[TheLittleSongbird · 1/10 · 9 October 2019]

If this had not appeared in my recommended for you and films like this sections and if it had coinicidentally not been the film of choice on one film night, 'Blood River' would have been completely unknown to me and it would not have been watched out of curiosity. Regardless of it not being well rated and negatively received, have really tried getting older and more mature not taking either of those to heart because it decreases the risk of me saying something that somebody may take offense without meaning to.

'Blood River' is yet another film to be that bad, bad doesn't even describe it and is a big understatement. A big part of me does wish that my curiosity didn't get the best of me, being a very curious person and one that aims to be as balanced and perceptive as possible when judging something. But 'Blood River' is one of not many films seen recently that made me angry and annoyed, although some may think otherwise it takes a lot for me to give out my lowest rating (especially in recent years) and be scathing in my reviews in my aim to be encouraging and perhaps at times a bit over-generous but once in a while there are more than deserving recipients of them and this is one of them.

Don't know where to begin with the criticising, and it has already been covered well already and don't have an awful lot to add. Calling 'Blood River' cheap visually is being too kind to the term cheap, have seen some amateurish-looking films seen recently but this takes the biscuit. Very drab, no sense of style or cohesion, no authenticity in the minimally constructed sets and looked like no effort had been put into it, whether in the basic camera work or shoestring budget effects. Know there is such thing as limited budget and rushed production but a lot of films to be hindered by both don't look this amateurish.

Unfortunately, everything else also suffers with sound and music that is never harmonious with what's going on in both placement and tone and lifeless beyond lifeless direction that indicates somebody who had no idea what they were doing. The script has no flow or personality and when there is much happening, in a film with a lot of dull and non-existently plotted stretches, the story is ridiculous with a lot of silly things happening randomly for no coherent reason. No tension, suspense or thrills in sight, instead a lot of groans and indifferent shrugs.

None of the characters are engaging or worth relating to, we learn so little about them and one is annoyed and bored by them and their face-palming behaviours. The vampires are not scary at all and any nudity and such is there for the sake of it and not for any other reason. As for the acting, what acting? Even the scream queens roped into featuring in the film seem to know that it's terrible and do nothing to try and salvage things by even a tiny speck.

In conclusion, terrible and completely bloodless. One to avoid if you can help it. 1/10