- Frankie Bergstein: What brand would you smoke if your husband turned out to be gay?
- Clerk: Uh, newports?
- Frankie Bergstein: For 20 years?
- Clerk: Lucky's.
- Mallory Hanson: Oh my God, what am I going to tell my kids?
- Brianna Hanson: Why don't you start with do you know where poop comes from?
- Grace Hanson: I played by all the rules! Why didn't you tell me there weren't any rules, it's not fair!
- Robert Hanson: Grace. Can I talk to you for a second, please?
- Grace Hanson: I don't know. Not talking is your forte.
- Robert Hanson: Well, I'm talking now, and I'm sorry. I just never thought you'd be this upset.
- Grace Hanson: What did you think I'd be?
- Robert Hanson: I honestly thought you'd be relieved.
- Grace Hanson: Relieved? Really? I think relief is what you're feeling. I'm feeling like the last forty years have been a fraud.
- Robert Hanson: Now come on, only the last twenty years were a fraud. That's a joke.
- Grace Hanson: No, you don't get to do that. You don't get to pretend that this is nothing.
- Robert Hanson: No. You're right. It is not nothing. And I should have told you a long time ago. But let's be honest. Were you ever really happy with me?
- Grace Hanson: I was happy enough. So we didn't have the romance of the century. But I thought we were normal. I thought we were like everybody else. I thought this was life.
- Robert Hanson: And I thought there was more.
- Grace Hanson: Would have been easier if you'd died.
- Frankie Bergstein: Give me one of those bottles, things... the big one. Give me a big one. That's good. Listen, sir, what brand would you smoke if your husband turned out to be gay?
- Clerk: Newports.
- Frankie Bergstein: For the last twenty years.
- Clerk: Luckies.
- Frankie Bergstein: I'll take those. Sol never let me smoke. Imagine him, judging what I put into my - I mean I'm telling you, and the whole time, they were doing blowjobs.
- Clerk: I hear ya.
- Frankie Bergstein: I mean, I'm assuming.
- Grace Hanson: Im just trying to keep my coffee down.
- Mallory Hanson: Mom, is there anything we can do?
- Grace Hanson: Uh-uh.
- Brianna Hanson: How about a Valium?
- Grace Hanson: Two.
- Frankie Bergstein: I can't remember the last time I slept without you. I know I've done it but I... I can't remember.
- Sol Bergstein: Come here. I hate that I hurt you. I really do love you. I mean, you've always loved me for...
- Frankie Bergstein: Who you are? Ironic, isn't it?
- Frankie: [about birds on the beach] They look like they really love each other, don't they?
- Grace Hanson: Do birds mate for life?
- Frankie: No one does.
- [telling to the birds]
- Frankie: Whichever one of you is the lady bird, don't trust him! He'll break you in two and leave you crumbled in the dirt! Save yourself! Fly away! Fly away!
- Grace Hanson: You warned her.
- Nwabudike Bergstein: [after Sol has revealed he is gay] I'm sorry, why don't we have a therapist here? There was one here when the dog died!
- Frankie Bergstein: Excuse me, have you ever wondered if Ben and Jerry make more than ice cream together?
- Frankie Bergstein: Excuse me, have you ever wondered if Ben and Jerry make more than ice cream together?
- Woman: What?
- Frankie Bergstein: Ben and Jerry! Are they more than just ice cream buddies?
- Woman: The hell should I know?
- Frankie Bergstein: Bitch!
- Sol Bergstein: We want to get married.
- Grace Hanson: Married?
- Robert Hanson: Cos we can do that now.
- Frankie: I know! I hosted that fundraiser!
- Frankie: [into her camera phone] Because of this impending transformation, I've called my loved ones to tell them goodbye. But no one was home, hence, this recording.