Major Crimes (TV Series)

Frozen Assets (2014)

Andy Daly: Mr. Baird, Richard Tracy

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Quotes 

• Mr. Baird : Okay, here's what I think happened. Now, by the end, Marcella was so sick she could only eat eggs and imported crab cakes, dozens of which are left over in the freezer. Now, when we ran out of fresh venison last night, I served Falcon a thawed-out crab cake. He ate half of it, okay, and then he went out through this doggie door to do his business, and he never came back.

  Louie Provenza : Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Are you suggesting that whoever killed this dog also murdered Marcella Brewster?

  Mr. Baird : No, no, no, no, no. I killed the dog.

  Andy Flynn : Okay, that's it. Turn around, hands behind your back.

  Mr. Baird : What?

  Andy Flynn : Shut up, just...

  Mr. Baird : What are you doing? I called you guys. You wouldn't know anything about this except for me. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me explain. Yes, I killed the dog, yes, but the murderer is whoever poisoned the crab cakes. What am I under arrest for anyway?

  Sharon Raydor : So far, impersonating a police officer, animal cruelty, and we haven't even...

  Russell Taylor : Hold on. Hold on a minute. Let's all take a giant step back. Flynn, Provenza, is it true you guys dragged this security guard off Marcella Brewster's estate and left her dead dog behind in the bushes?

  Mr. Baird : Yes.

  Andy Flynn : No. We brought the little fella back with us.

  Amy Sykes : In an actual doggie bag. We also have one half-eaten crab cake, a freezer full of frozen ones, and more than a little canine vomit.

• Mr. Baird : Let me explain how wrong you are. Number one: I called you, which is why we're here discussing murder in the first place, mi compadre. Number two: Security codes. Not only did I violate my confidentiality agreement, but I gave you guys the numbers protecting the most valuable frozen asset in the world. Number three: Employment! Dead dog, job gone. Poof! Good thing there's a million positions waiting for someone with my psychiatric record. Oh, wait! There's not! Number...

  Andy Flynn : Four.

  Mr. Baird : Yeah, number four: No pesos, my little Latino friend. Have you established a path by which money from the Marcella Brewster estate travels into my pocket? No, you have not! And fifth, and most importantly, I lost the one thing that mattered - my best friend, Falcon... and the great big house in which we lived together. So, what is my motive, you... you big meanies? Why would I purposely kill Marcella and Falcon and lose my best chance at living a life in uniform?

  Louie Provenza : Maybe you don't need a motive.

  Andy Flynn : Maybe you're just the craziest person on the face of the Earth.

  Mr. Baird : [sighs]  Well, I did skip my medication today.

• Mr. Kleiner : If someone doesn't shut him up...

  Mr. Baird : What, Mr. Moneybags? Are you gonna take away my polo privileges, huh? Are you gonna hide your Grey Poupon?

  Mr. Kleiner : I should've poisoned you instead of Marcella.

  Mr. Baird : Buzz?

  Buzz Watson : I got it. I got it.

  Sharon Raydor : I think we can classify that as a spontaneous utterance.

• Mr. Baird : Could someone please explain how a killer confesses to a murder and then gets a deal for twenty-five years?

  Mike Tao : If we'd gone to trial, our star witness would've been you.

  Julio Sanchez : Juries don't like nutjobs.

  Mr. Baird : Two hours ago, I felt like I was on top of the world. Right now, I feel very underappreciated.

  Andy Flynn : Underappreciated, it's a way of life for us.

  Amy Sykes : What do you know? Maybe you're a real detective after all.

  Mr. Baird : Wow. I'm in the club, huh? Ha-ha-ha. Ah, well, awesome.