Plot

Jess and Nick face some truths about their relationship, Schmidt, Winston and Coach scramble to make a better second impression on their hot new neighbors, and Cece panics after she drunk-texts Buster.

The gang starts a rousing drinking game of True American, the rules of which cannot be followed or explained, but it results in a big mess, lots of yelling and some very drunk people. At one point, Winston can be seen hopping around the loft on an upside-down barstool and at another, Schmidt gets waterboarded with gin in the name of Eli Whitney, creator of the cotton gin.

The next morning, they all pay for it.

Jess and Nick wake up bed, too rough to do anything other than paw each other in the face. Nick tries to hand Jess water, but only sticks his hand in it and knocks it over. Jess licks off the drops. Her phone rings, it's her friend demanding she show up at her godson's one-year birthday party, currently underway. Nick declines.

Winston, Coach, and Schmidt come back from getting food and running into their new super hot young female neighbors. Schmidt's bagel falls out of his mouth, which he explains away by noting that he's Jewish.

Cece joins them, chagrined to find that she drunk texted her 20 year old, Buster, including they entire lyrics to a Jewel song.

Schmidt and Coach send Winston away to help Cece with her texting issue while they gameplan how to make things right with the hot neighbors.

Nick tries to supervise Jess getting dressed, helpfully suggesting she had a shirt over her bikini swimsuit top. Jess gets weepy over his help -- she gets emotional when she's hungover. Nick has the present, which was supposed to be assembled before the party. It's not.

Jess muses into the future, Junior waiting for his gift on Christmas morning because daddy hasn't finished putting it together. She admits she thinks about what their kids would be like. Nick doesn't. But six hours ago he was lapping cognac out of Winston's hands. He suggests they not talk about serious things when they're hungover. She tells him she hasn't thought about it that much, then describes their house on a lake in a town with history, but not so much the locals gets suspicious of new people. They have two kids so creative they named themselves and they don't need disciplining because they're so afraid of disappointing them.

"Where do you picture us?" Jess asks Nick, who is clearly picturing himself somewhere very far away.

Out in the hallway, Coach and Schmidt prepare for an "accidental" bump in with the new neighbors. Coach reads the paper while Schmidt fake talks on the phone, name dropping Zachary Quinto. The elevator doors open and out walks Winston, helping them move.

Nick's vision for the future involves him as a long haul trucker with a family either in Montana or Mars. Jess always thought she might move back to Portland, which has a good educational system. Nick thinks that's important, but he wants to make his kids beg for education so they'll appreciate it.

Then Nick confesses the name of his first child has to be Reginald Val Johnson, he lost a bet. Jess screams into a pillow.

Back in the hot girl's apartment, Coach and Schmidt are angry at Winston for forcing them to help the girls move to avoid looking bad. They see one of the girl's has a photo with a guy -- it's her boyfriend. He's doing his second tour in Afghanistan. Michelle, the other one, is "just having fun right now."

Jess and Nick start arguing over whether she'll take sensitive Reginald out on the lake while Nick is on the road. Finally, he tells her the closest thing he has to a plan is accepting that you can't plan because things change. But Jess can't live like that, she needs to know where they're going. Soon, they're yelling, because she wants to know they're going in the same direction and points out they're apparently living on different planets. Nick, again, asks why they're having this conversation now. "You're talking about the fake future!" Nick says.

He says they want different things and she agrees and he asks if they should break up. They both stare at each other. Then burst out laughing, joking about breaking up over nothing.

They sit down to put the toy together. Nick gives directions: "Take the thing that looks like a meth lab and put it in the thing that looks like a pipe bomb." Jess follows and they agree they're a good team.

Nick says they can move to Portland and live on a lake and he'll learn to fish.

Jess breaks a piece after putting the "swastika in the guillotine."

Down on the street, Schmidt tells Michelle her blue vase is the color of a woman's fertility. "Cool, I was pregnant once," she says.

Coach and Schmidt start arguing over whether she "sex blinked."

Schmidt insults the type of women Coach dates and they start yelling. Coach breaks the vase Schmidt I holding and Schmidt retaliates by kicking the mirror. Winston comes down, having found mover's kneepads, tape and back harness, aghast that they have broken Michelle's "study abroad mirror and dream vase."

A few stages later on the toy, Jess and Nick have a misassembled toy with broken pieces taped together. Nick decides to try to melt a piece with a lighter and Jess waits to see it go horribly wrong. Nick burns himself and drops his lighter on a blanket as they continue arguing and she asks why he didn't put the toy together two weeks ago when she asked him.

She wants him to take some responsibility and he argues that she should have faith in him because he's made it this far. Behind him, the blanket bursts into flames.

Then they start arguing over where the bucket is to put the fire out. Apparently it's in the kitchen with meat in it so, per Nick's idea, they could taste what meat tasted like before refrigeration. They're yelling again as the room starts to burn, with Nick reminding Jess she said the meat bucket was a great idea and Jess saying she lied and if she was always honest with him they would never stop arguing.

With the fire department on the scene, Jess and Nick apologize to people streaming out.

Winston gets fed up with Schmidt and Coach trying to blame him for the new neighbor's broken things and says they should be able to tell they're just trying to sex Michelle. He has to, but he has a job to do. He welcomes them to the building and takes a wardrobe out of the truck and hoists it onto his back.

Cece calls Buster and is surprised to get him, then she's even more surprised to see him walking up to her. She expected him to be freaked out by her texts, but he was on his way to see her.

He guesses she's hungover and invites her to pancakes.

Cleaning up after the fire, Nick asks Jess if she ever misses when they were just friends and there wasn't pressure to be someone else. They say they love each other, but Jess asks what if that's all they have in common. They pause to reassess and realize they're breaking up.

He gives her a salute from "Saving Private Ryan" and walks her to her room. She runs back out and hugs him. Then they both realize Schmidt is living in her room. She asks to stay with Nick.

After they walk away, Schmidt comes out in a sheet. He doesn't understand why she'd be so bothered by a man doing downward facing dog in the nude.