Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Alice in Wonderland (2014)

Tamara Chambers: Malice, Helena Bonham Carter

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : What is this, some sort of LSD land?

  Malice : You're not too far off, actually. It's Burtonland.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, Christ...!

• Malice : Hello, my name is Malice. Are you quite alright?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, fine. I was just looking for a...

  Malice : A black rabbit?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah...

  Malice : Carrying a hard drive?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah!

  Malice : And you escaped from the American McGee Institute hoping that if you bring him back, it will prove to the world that you're not a psychotic maniac?

  Nostalgia Critic : That's a hard no, but two out of three ain't bad. So have you seen him?

  Malice : Oh, yes, that way.

  [they see Carrotjuice jump around sporadically, then he runs away] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [as he and Malice explore Burtonland]  My god, look at this place! It's like a coloring book if the only crayon available was gray.

  Malice : Oh, come now, it's not all that bad. At least it's creative!

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, the first million times, sure, but the million and one-theth...

  [sighs] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It's just as bad as when he took over Disney's "Alice In Wonderland".

  Malice : Oh, but, I loved that cartoon!

  Nostalgia Critic : No, not that one! I hate the fact I have to make that distinction now! No, I'm talking about Disney's "Tim Burton's" "Alice In Wonderland"!

• Malice : [about the Tim Burton version of "Alice In Wonderland"]  I thought that was a big hit. If it was so bad, why did it make so much money?

  [Danny Elfman appears, dressed like the Mad Hatter] 

  Danny Elfman : I can answer that!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, god, it's Danny Elfman!

  Danny Elfman : What's the matter, Critic? I thought you enjoyed my musical compositions.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, for the first ten years. Now all your stuff sounds like the filler music you skip on soundtracks.

  Danny Elfman : Oh, but, Critic! Don't you know that kind of repetition is what makes Burtonland so popular?

  [singing to "What's This?"] 

  Danny Elfman : It's Tim Bur-ton, / There's spirals everywhere! / It's Tim, / Let's get you fucked-up hair! / It's Tim, / Where everything is styled / Over-substance but it looks / Good so who cares? / It's Tim! / It's Tim Bur-ton, / All angles are askew! / It's Tim, / With foggy lenses too! / It's Tim, / Where all supporting characters are kings / Holding the movies on the wings / And all the leads are 'bout as interesting as glue! / It's Tim! / This world of such uniqueness has been done a million times, / A dark and gloomy outlet for suburbanites to whine! / And though it's saying little, hipsters think it's saying more, / It's selling much more whiteness than a rich albino whore! / Remakes, reboots, / They're making us a ton / Of loot / And anything that's new / Is rare / And, yes, the style's showing wear and tear / But all the profit's clearly there / And will it get old? We don't care, / Try something different we won't dare / 'Cause our supplies of working apes / Are making millions by the share! / TIM BUR-TON!

  Malice : ...Very good.

• Nostalgia Critic : I'm gonna say it.

  Malice : Critic, you mustn't!

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm sorry! No, don't hold me back!

  [the Critic and Malice argue back and forth briefly, until the Critic explodes:] 

  Nostalgia Critic : "CARE BEARS IN WONDERLAND" IS A BETTER ADAPTATION THAN THIS!

  [the audience is heard booing] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, come on! I said it! I said it! Who wants some? Come on! Come on!

• Malice : [after Danny Elfman sings "It's Tim"]  We're looking for the Black Rabbit and...

  Danny Elfman : And now, the rendition with the whimsical choir that can only sing in vowels:

  [singing] 

  Danny Elfman : OOO-OOO-OO-OO-OOO-OOO-OOO-OOOOOOO!

  Malice : I beg your pardon, this doesn't help us.

  Danny Elfman : OOOOO-LA-LALA-LALA-LALA-LALALALALALALALALALA-LAAAAAA!

  Malice : If you could just...

  Danny Elfman : OOOH-OOH-OOOOOOH-OOOO-OOO-OOOOOOOH!

  Malice : Well, I tried to be nice.

  [takes out a huge knife] 

  Malice : Excuse me.

  [she walks up to Danny; the Critic looks on in terror, fear and disgust] 

  Danny Elfman : [amid slashing sounds]  Oh, my god, what are you doing? Oh, god, no, not that! Oh, no, put that back to my body! Oh, no, I need those! I need those! Oh, god! Oh, Jesus Christ! I've never felt so much pain! All right, he went down that way! OOOOOOOH!

  Malice : [returning, covered in blood]  Right then, he says we just follow that road.

  [points to her right] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [scared out of his wits]  Goody... You go in front of me while I start the review...

  Malice : Very good.

  [walks off and the Critic follows] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [to camera]  She seemed so nice!

• [the Critic and Malice run into Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, dressed as a Tweedledee/Tweedledum pair] 

  Malice : Who in the blazes are you?

  Johnny Depp : If you're looking for strangeness, you needn't look harder.

  Helena Bonham Carter : For he's Tweedledepp and I'm Tweedlecarter.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, that's right, the ceremonial Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter appearances.

  Malice : But I thought that they were talented actors, playing a variety of characters.

  Nostalgia Critic : They were, until they found their niche playing crazy eccentric homeless-looking people.

  Johnny Depp : For I'm the Mad Hatter and her the Red Queen. We chew up the scenery scene after scene.

  Helena Bonham Carter : We act through bad wardrobe and hair that's insane, and make-up so thick, it'd rival "Hunger Games".

  Johnny Depp : We bulge out our eyes.

  Helena Bonham Carter : And twiddle our fingers.

  Johnny Depp : Doing this gets us both 'round near ten figures.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, and as you'll notice, neither of them really do anything different.

• Nostalgia Critic : Why bring sense and logic to a world that celebrates having no sense and logic? It just sucks the fun out of it.

  Helena Bonham Carter : Who would want fun when there's gloom instead?

  Johnny Depp : That's like talking through your teeth, not hearing what's said.

• Malice : [about Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, dressed as Tweedledee and Tweedledum]  I apologize, but they annoy me.

  [pulls out her knife] 

  Malice : I'm going to kill them.

  Nostalgia Critic : [stopping her]  What is wrong with you? You're usually so nice! Stop killing people!

  Malice : Oh, I'm afraid I already did when you looked over there.

  [points to her right] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What?

  [looking to his right] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I didn't look over there.

  [he looks back to see Malice covered in blood and holding a brain in one hand and an eyeball in the other] 

  Nostalgia Critic : DAMN IT! You really did escape from a mental institution!

  Malice : Well, I assume you did, too, given how you're dressed.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, but I'm a celebrity. When you dress weird, it's crazy. When I dress weird, it's avant-garde.

• Nostalgia Critic : [in the movie, Alice beheads the Jabberwocky]  So that takes the Red Queen out of power, Queen Uninteresting is in control again, and the Hatter feels he can finally celebrate by doing his dance.

  [as a techno beat is heard, the Mad Hatter does the Futterwacken] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Whoa, wait a minute, is Wonderland... Oh, sorry... Underland getting... jiggy? I think it is! Boy, he ain't no Paperman! He really swings out with the mess of jive! Oh my God, I have never seen anything this crunk since I saw Vanilla Ice cracking to the tune of Macaroni and Cheese! O-ho-ho, Hatter, you be dope!

  Malice : Are you sure you didn't escape from a mental institution?