- Lisa Simpson: I can't believe I'm really going! My first trip to providence.
- Homer Simpson: Yeah, yeah. Just remember, if your mother asks, I took you to a wine tasting.
- Lisa Simpson: That's a terrible thing for a father to do.
- Homer Simpson: That's why she'll believe it.
- Homer Simpson: Here's what makes great art: one, nudity; two, holograms; three, horrible things happening to Jesus.
- Homer Simpson: To me, it looks like garbage salad. But that's the great thing about art. Everyone can have their own opinion on why it sucks.
- Homer Simpson: We could have what these people have, a financial cushion. No more living paycheck to paycheck, always one lost retainer away from the gutter.
- Marge Simpson: I could write a check with today's date on it.
- Homer Simpson: That's the cushion.
- Kirk Van Houten: Milhouse played the violin for years, until it turned out the vibrations were screwing up his bones.
- Marge Simpson: How about this, what if we give the Van Houten's 25% of the money.
- Homer Simpson: Then they'll just be mad about the 65% that we're keeping.
- Klaus Ziegler: [narrating "Strupo: A History"] "The Grey Troll," "Brine of Madness," "Angel's Urine"... all names for the mysterious elixir known as Strupo. Though this fermented caper solution was originally used to dissolve seagull corpses, local alcoholics soon found Strupo to be a palatable drink of last resort. The noxious liquor causes powerful olfactory hallucinations, gender confusion and wandering mouth. So if you visit Isla Verde, be sure to say "ahoy" to the crushing addiction of Strupo. Strupo: lose everything!
- Lisa Simpson: [Her guinea pig goes into a mousehole] He's in the walls. I hear chewing.
- Bart Simpson: No, that's a much larger animal.
- Homer Simpson: [In the kitchen on the other side of the wall] Kettlecorn: the heroin of the farmer's market.
- Marge Simpson: Homer, that painting has torn the town apart, ruined Kirk and Luanne's marriage, and I'm worried about poor Milhouse.
- Bart Simpson: He's been playing Dance Dance Revolution for hours, but the TV is off.
- Guinea Pig Sanctuary Worker: You're doing the right thing adopting a rescue pig. You know, most of these guys are rejects from the big guinea pig mills in the Midwest. Oh, I can't tell you how many mill pigs we get in here who have bumblefoot or the slobbers.
- Homer Simpson: You don't have children, do you?