Jake Norvell: Self

Quotes 

• [offscreen, Brad is approaching Jake and Sarah's car] 

  Jake Norvell : Don't you fucking dare wave to me!

  Sarah Lewis : [laughing]  You are in so much trouble right now, you have no idea!

  Jake Norvell : [enraged, to Brad]  I swear to God, if you come within my arms' reach, I will strangle each and every motherfucking one of you, in front of the goddamn camera, and they can take me to jail for all I care! You filthy sons of bitches! I hope you all die of herpes! Do you understand? You can't even die of herpes, and I hope you do!

  Sarah Lewis : Maybe they could, like, get it in their lungs.

  Jake Norvell : [throws an empty cigarette box] 

  Jake Norvell : Worst fucking movie in the history of movies!

• Sarah Lewis : So he's in Math class, and his teacher's like, "You're in for detention," and then he comes in for detention... and it's the creepiest "seducing a 12-year-old" scene... and it's obvious they're trying to play it for laughs, but it was making me a little bit nauseous. This kid...

  Jake Norvell : It's pedophilia!

  Sarah Lewis : -looked like, he was a twelve-year-old, and there was this, like, twenty-five-year-old seeing all, like, "I need to see you after class," and like takes him in the back room, and there are these sex noises.

  [awkward pause] 

  Sarah Lewis : So he gets his teacher pregnant, and flash-forward to like twenty-something years later. Adam Sandler is in big trouble with the IRS. He needs a certain amount of cash money, and so he's gonna go hit up his son for money, like, he's gonna get him to be on the Jerry Springer sort of show thing.

  [long pause] 

  Sarah Lewis : I'm just so tired. This movie gave me a headache.

  [pause] 

  Jake Norvell : My chest hurts.

  Sarah Lewis : [giggles]  I feel, I feel faint.

  Jake Norvell : Like, I honestly think... I'm like, I'm, I'm coming, Elizabeth.

  Sarah Lewis : [laughs]  it's the big one.

  Jake Norvell : [exasperated]  This, this is the big one.

• Sarah Lewis : [on the actor hired to play young Adam Sandler]  I'm still convinced that was a little girl.

  Jake Norvell : Well then that makes that just a little bit fucking creepier, doesn't it?

  Sarah Lewis : Oh, God!

  Jake Norvell : Thank you for putting that image in my head.

  Sarah Lewis : You're welcome. No, it was, it was what it was. It was, "Ha ha ha, pedophilia."

  Jake Norvell : No! No it was not, "Ha ha ha, pedophilia!" Pedophilia is not a "ha ha ha" laughing fucking matter. It just isn't! I've never been one of those persons who's like, "Oh, I heard on the news that this kid had sex with his high school teacher. Where was she when I was in school, man?" It's fucking pedophilia. It's goddamn wrong. Any way you goddamn cut it, it's wrong.

• Sarah Lewis : It was originally going to be me and Jillian, but she decided she didn't want to.

  Jake Norvell : No, I believe-I believe...

  Sarah Lewis : [sarcastically]  I can't imagine why.

  Jake Norvell : I believe the correct terminology is she pussied the fuck out!

  Sarah Lewis : Okay, so she decided she didn't want to.

  Jake Norvell : Oh, no, don't, don't, don't. Hold up, hold up, hold up. Don't you be sugarcoating this bullshit for anybody, that she decided- I decide every goddamn week that I don't wanna do this. "Please," I ask, "please don't let me go see this. I will do anything." Do I get that? No. Jillian's like, "Oh, I can't watch it." "Why?" Why? Because it's a terrible fucking movie. She gets to sit this fucking thing out, and I get brought into this. Tis is not a child's movie! This isn't part of my schtick. Why am I here? I am here, ladies and gentlemen...

  Sarah Lewis : You're here because your hatred for Adam Sandler... is legendary. That is why you're here.