- Lois Lane: Hey, Smallville! Come in. What's up?
- Clark Kent: I see you're holding up after last night. I've been wa...
- [seeing Bruce is already there, he turns to leave]
- Clark Kent: Oh. I didn't realize you had company.
- Lois Lane: Whoa! You might as well tell me why you stopped by.
- Clark Kent: I've been nosing around. I think I may know why the Joker is suddenly after Superman.
- Bruce Wayne: Well? Don't keep us in suspense.
- Clark Kent: I think he's in cahoots with your boyfriend's business partner.
- Lois Lane: With Lex? Are you sure?
- Clark Kent: I can't prove it... yet.
- Bruce Wayne: I suppose I could... ask him.
- Bruce Wayne: [seeing the Joker's blimp fly by] What the devil is he up to now?
- Alfred: [bringing the Batsuit] A change of attire, sir?
- Bruce Wayne: How fast can we get to Hobb's Bay?
- Alfred: [opening a case, revealing a custom jetpack] If I may be so bold, when in Rome, sir...
- Lois Lane: [finishing an article] "The Senator declined comment." Done.
- Bruce Wayne: [kissing her cheek] And not a moment too soon.
- Lois Lane: Bruce! When did you...
- Bruce Wayne: About three paragraphs ago. I didn't want to distract you. Ready to do the town?
- Lois Lane: Give me a minute to see the chief. Then I'm all yours.
- [stopping at Clark's desk]
- Lois Lane: Clark, keep an eye on Bruce, will you? I'll be right back.
- Clark Kent: Actually, Lois...
- Lois Lane: Don't be intimidated. Regale him with madcap tales of the nightlife in Smallville.
- The Joker: Not now.
- Harley Quinn: But, puddin', Batman's headed your way.
- The Joker: Get out!
- [bowing to Lois]
- The Joker: Pardon my hasty exit. We have a pest-control problem.
- [to Superman lying on the ground]
- The Joker: Feel free to expire anytime.
- Dan Turpin: Swell. Now Gotham's sending us their wackos. Don't worry, Mr. Wayne. The SCU will get her back safe and sound.
- Bruce Wayne: Thank you, Inspector.
- [Turpin leaves]
- Bruce Wayne: You realize she's just the bait.
- Superman: I'll be careful.
- Bruce Wayne: Careful won't cut it. With Joker, expect the unexpected.
- Superman: Maybe you should have remembered that.
- Lex Luthor: [after a midnight visit from Batman] Contact the clown immediately. It appears we'll have to deal with his "friend" after all.
- Clark Kent: Any luck finding the comedian?
- Bruce Wayne: Three nights... and not so much as a green hair.
- Clark Kent: Of course, you have been dividing your time between work and Lois.
- Bruce Wayne: Is that a problem?
- Clark Kent: Let's just say I'm concerned. Your reputation is... dubious, in and out of costume.
- Bruce Wayne: Don't worry. I'm taking Lois quite seriously. Besides, it seems to me you had your chance.
- Lex Luthor: What do you want?
- Batman: Information, regarding a mutual acquaintance.
- Lex Luthor: What are you talking about? I don't know any...
- Batman: [punching Mercy as she draws a gun behind him] You know exactly who I mean. Where is he? What kind of deal have you made with him?
- Lex Luthor: I don't... I...
- Batman: [leaving as Lex's security calls for him, pounding on the door] Think about it. I'll be back.
- Superman: What's the problem, Captain?
- Captain: What do you mean?
- Superman: You sent out a distress call, didn't you?
- Captain: Not on my authorization.
- Superman: [spotting a beeping buoy nearby] There's the culprit. It's broadcasting an electronic beacon.
- Captain: If one of my crew is responsible for this prank, they'll...
- [the buoy explodes]
- Captain: Ahh! Oof! What is it? What's happening?
- Superman: Whoever sent that distress signal just provided the distress.
- Lois Lane: This city is gorgeous at night.
- Bruce Wayne: Is it? I wasn't looking at the city.
- [Lois blushes a little]
- Bruce Wayne: Lois... about Clark Kent. Are you and he, uh... I mean...
- Lois Lane: No, Bruce. Your only competition flew away some time ago.
- The Joker: [just as they're about to kiss] My, you do live dangerously. Don't you realize you're moving in on Superman's main squeeze?
- Bruce Wayne: [as his henchmen surround them, Joker shocks Lois with a joy buzzer] Take her hands off her, you...
- The Joker: [his henchmen fire their guns, eventually forcing Bruce over the balcony] See that he's street pizza. In this town, some flying fool could have caught him.
- Clark Kent: A transfer?
- Lois Lane: Just to the Planet's Gotham City bureau.
- Clark Kent: Does this mean you and Bruce...?
- Lois Lane: We haven't made a formal commitment or anything, but... yeah, it's that serious. Hey, chin up, Smallville. With me out of the picture, you might get a shot at stardom.
- Perry White: Lois! Clark! I just got word the cruise ship SS Atlantis is sending a distress call 200 miles offshore.
- Lois Lane: Whoa!
- Perry White: Exactly. Call the Coast Guard to confirm and the cruise line for a statement. You're not out of here yet, Lane.
- Dan Turpin: [his desk phone rings] SCU. Turpin.
- The Joker: Amscray, Turnip. I wanna talk to the boy in blue.
- Dan Turpin: You got something to say, clown, say it to...
- Superman: I'm here, Joker. What have you done with Lois Lane?
- The Joker: She's right here, Superman. And she'd love to see you. Want to know where "here" is? Don't blink.
- [a bright light flashes, forcing Superman and Turpin to shield their eyes]
- The Joker: Got the picture, Supey? Come alone. No cops, or little Lois dies laughing.
- The Joker: [Mercy shoots up his hideout] Honestly Lex, don't you think I feel bad enough already?
- Lex Luthor: [grabbing him] You maniac! You idiot! How dare you use one of *MY* laboratories for you...
- The Joker: Harley?
- Harley Quinn: [karate-flipping in] Put him down, baldy!
- Lex Luthor: Mercy!
- Mercy Graves: [attacking Harley] Here's for that punch in the face!
- The Joker: Can't we discuss this like gentlemen?
- Harley Quinn: Ooh! Listen to little miss can't-take-a-joke!
- The Joker: [Lex lets him go] Thank you. Have a seat. Please.
- Harley Quinn: [attacking Mercy] Banzai!
- The Joker: Think of it, Ms. Lane. This rock is more precious than gold. One teensy chip will go for thousands on the collectors' market... after it kills your flyboy. Heh!
- Lois Lane: [as he smashes the statue in half, Harley removes her gag] You sick, demented, murdering freak!
- Harley Quinn: How rude!
- [stuffing the balled-up gag in her mouth]
- Harley Quinn: Ha!
- The Joker: Half for now and half for later. You've got a front-row seat for the story of the century, my dear: the death of Superman.
- The Joker: [seeing Superman's anti-kryptonite suit] Ooh! I'm flattered you put on your Sunday best.
- Superman: Where is she, Joker?
- The Joker: Forget about Lois. Feast your eyes on this.
- [he takes out a piece of kryptonite, which has no effect]
- Superman: [grabbing him] Now, I'll ask you once more.
- The Joker: [leading him to where Lois is] I don't understand. I had it all planned so perfectly. Oh, wait! That's it!
- Superman: What?
- The Joker: Silly me. I forgot the acid.
- [shooting acid from the flower on his lapel]
- The Joker: [cackling] Aw, what's the matter, Supey? No steam left in the old locomotive?
- The Joker: [trapping Batman in with Superman and Lois] Two for the price of one. I love it! And the best part is, you're all going out with a smile.
- Harley Quinn: Have a happy...!
- Batman: [throwing the kryptonite at the TV, then looking for a way out] Hydrochloric acid. It would take a week to eat through the wall.
- Superman: [weakly] No... wait. Kry... kryptonite.
- Batman: [quietly, after using the acid to melt the kryptonite down] Snap out of it, Kent, or Joker gets the last laugh.
- Superman: [flying up to rescue Lois] Keep your heads down.
- Harley Quinn: [feeling the tremor from Superman crashing through a door] Uh-oh. They're loose!
- The Joker: That's not fair.
- Lex Luthor: You owe me an explanation.
- The Joker: The lab was a perfect setup. How did I know old Bat-breath would show up?
- Lex Luthor: Batman? He followed you to Metropolis?
- The Joker: Right, like it's my fault. Look, I've still got half the kryptonite. I can still finish the job. But if I have to cope with two men in tights, the price goes up.
- Lex Luthor: Unacceptable. If you can't handle some mental case in a fright mask, our deal is off. Mercy! Let's go.
- [to the Joker]
- Lex Luthor: Keep in mind... this is your last chance.
- The Joker: [Harley is banged up after fighting with Mercy] How you doin', slugger?
- Harley Quinn: [weakly] A-OK, Mr. J.
- [he pats her on the back and she collapses]
- Harley Quinn: [flashing a cookie-like treat in Joker's face] Hello, Mr. J. I'm Batman. Eat me. Eat me. Eat me!
- The Joker: I know you're trying to cheer me up, Harley, but you see, anytime I blow a billion-dollar deal, it really kills my appetite!