- Darla Shannon: [sees Jessie splattered in food and approaches her] Jessie?
- [walks over to Jessie's table]
- Darla Shannon: Jessie Prescott, is that you?
- [chuckles]
- Darla Shannon: I see you're still having trouble with your table manners!
- Jessie Prescott: [annoyed] Hey Darla.
- [sarcastically]
- Jessie Prescott: Nice to see you too.
- Zuri Ross: *That's* Darla? She doesn't look like a witch!
- Jessie Prescott: Oh yeah? Throw some water on her and we can send her home in a bucket!
- Darla Shannon: [Jessie and Darla laugh slightly] I see you're still babysitting! What happened to that big acting career you were gonna have?
- Jessie Prescott: Oh, it's... it's going well. It just takes time.
- Darla Shannon: Talent might help too. Meanwhile, I've been travelling all over the world as a flight attendant!
- Jessie Prescott: Really? Cuz, I heard you were on the Galveston to Amarillo run. Luckily, I don't have a job where I have to run around waiting on people!
- Ravi Ross: Jessie, I need milk!
- Luke Ross: Jessie, take my tray!
- Zuri Ross: Jessie, my nose is still runny!
- Darla Shannon: At least they're calling you. Unlike *all* the boys in high school!
- Luke Ross: [approaching Darla, annoyed] Hey, that's my lady you're talking to!
- Darla Shannon: You finally did catch a man! But this one's so small, you might wanna throw him back!
- Jessie Prescott: [running up to Emma and sees her with Caleb] Emma, what are you doing with Darla's brother?
- Emma Ross: [gazing into his eyes] Watching his eyes sparkle in the sunlight! See, it's happening right now. And now. And now!
- Darla Shannon: [approaching Caleb and Emma] Caleb! Stay away from them! You don't wanna be seen with these weaklings!
- Jessie Prescott: [scoffs] Who're you calling "weak"? You should see this one tear through the mall on Black Friday!
- [Darla stares at Jessie, confused]
- Emma Ross: [holding up her nails] I sharpen my nails with diamonds the night before.
- Caleb Shannon: [coming over to Emma] I love a girl who fights for what she wants!
- Emma Ross: [linking arms with Caleb] I'd shop for *you* in the hunks department!
- Jessie Prescott, Darla Shannon: [in unison, to Emma and Caleb] KNOCK IT OFF!
- Emma Ross, Caleb Shannon: [in unison] WHY?
- Darla Shannon: Because the Prescott's and the Shannon's are sworn enemies.
- Emma Ross: But I'm not a Prescott *or* a Shannon!
- Jessie Prescott: Oh, there's a babysitting clause in the feud; it's... it's complicated; but trust me, you're covered!
- Emma Ross: But I really like Caleb!
- Darla Shannon: Well, tough! You can't go against the feud! Huh, *which* has gone back for years all the way to the 20th century!
- Caleb Shannon: I don't know why our families are fighting!
- Darla Shannon: It all started when our grand pappy Shannon loaned their grand pappy Prescott a corn picker; and he returned it broken!
- Jessie Prescott: It was already broken! Your grand pappy lied to get a new corn picker!
- [Darla chuckles softly and tries to shake it off]
- Jessie Prescott: That's why they called him "Shifty Shannon"!
- Caleb Shannon: But that's all ancient history!
- Emma Ross: No one even *remembers* the 20th century!
- Darla Shannon: Well, I *do* remember when Jessie borrowed and broke my Queasy Bake Oven!
- Jessie Prescott: It was already broken!
- Darla Shannon: Typical Prescott!
- Emma Ross: Well, Caleb and I don't care about you're shifty grand pappies and your queasy corn pickers!
- Jessie Prescott: [scoffs] Then *you* are no Prescott!
- Emma Ross: Correct! Despite whatever paperwork you have to the contrary!
- Jessie Prescott: [sees Mrs Kipling approach the dog, Paton, then he whips her tail at Paton] See? Even Mrs. Kipling's tiny *lizard brain* understands the feud!
- [Mrs Kipling hits Jessie with her tail]
- Jessie Prescott: Sorry!
- Darla Shannon: [to Caleb] Caleb, stay away from Emma, OK?
- [then turns to Jessie and says]
- Darla Shannon: [then turns to Jessie and says] Like all us cool kids stayed away from Jessie in high school, heh!
- [pulling Caleb by the arm]
- Darla Shannon: Come on!
- [Caleb walks away from Emma, being dragged by Darla]
- Jessie Prescott: [calling out after Darla] Yeah, like I wanted to hang out with you anyway! In the *jerk lounge*, cause you're a JERK!
- Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott: [appearing behind Jessie and heard what she said] JESSIE! I can't believe you said that!
- Jessie Prescott: Yeah, I know. I should've gone with "loser lounge".
- Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott: I mean, I can't believe you just insulted her!
- Emma Ross: I can't believe you and Darla are ruining my life!
- [running off]
- Jessie Prescott: OK, she didn't break it down, but it's like 95% Darla.
- Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott: I specifically told you to get along with Darla, and once again, you can't follow a simple order!
- Jessie Prescott: You're my *dad*, not my drill sergeant! You can't order me around anymore! I'm an adult!
- Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott: Oh really? Cause you're sure acting like a child!
- Jessie Prescott: Nuh-uh! She started it!
- Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott: I rest my case! You know I was really hoping we weren't gonna argue this weekend, but instead we were right back where we left off. This visit's turning out to be very disappointing.
- [Jessie's dad walks off, upset]
- Bertram: I never thought of anyone coming back for seconds of *your* gruel!
- Corporal Cookie: [groans] I don't get it! What does your food have that mine doesn't?
- Bertram: Hmm, flavour, texture, fewer fingernails.
- Jessie Prescott: [coming to the kitchen, upset] I need 3 gallons of Neapolitan and a weapons grade spoon!
- Bertram: Sorry, tonight's dessert is mini fruit compote.
- Jessie Prescott: That'll do!
- [Jessie takes one of the trays of compote and starts stuffing her face, and sits on one of the large food tins]
- Jessie Prescott: You're not gonna believe what's going on!
- Bertram: I'm not gonna care either, I'm busy!
- Jessie Prescott: I came here to smooth things over with my dad, but all he seems to care about is if I connect with *Darla*! When all I wanna do is connect her face to a hornet's nest.
- Bertram: [sees Corporal Cookie ladle the chicken with sauce] NO!
- Jessie Prescott: I'm not actually gonna do it! It wouldn't be fair to the hornets.
- Bertram: I meant, no, don't *drown* my chicken in sauce, *drizzle* it!
- Corporal Cookie: Oh, you mean like this?
- [she flicks sauce on Bertram and it lands on Jessie's shoes]
- Jessie Prescott: Hey! You spilled that on my fake designer shoes! You owe me 20 bucks! Plus shipping.
- [she stuffs the rest of the compote in her mouth]
- Corporal Cookie: Does this one ever stop yakking about her problems?
- Bertram: No. Just wait til she starts in about her ex-boyfriends!
- Corporal Cookie: She's single? I'm *shocked*!
- [Bertram and Corporal Cookie laugh loudly to themselves]
- Jessie Prescott: [sarcastically] Thanks for the sympathy.
- [stuffs another compote in her mouth]
- Bertram: Hey, take it easy! I only made 3,000 of those!
- [tries to take the tray away from Jessie, but Jessie pulls it away]
- Caleb Shannon: [Emma is pacing up and down waiting for Caleb, Caleb shows up behind her with a bunch of roses] Hey.
- [Emma elbows him and he falls down to the ground]
- Emma Ross: Caleb! I'm so sorry! Did I hurt you?
- Caleb Shannon: No, I'm fine, the thorns broke my fall.
- [he gives Emma the bunch of thorns, with no roses on it]
- Emma Ross: Oh, they're beautiful! I love...
- [looking at the flowerless plant]
- Emma Ross: stems.
- [She throws them on the ground]
- Caleb Shannon: Did Jessie teach you that move for self-defence?
- Emma Ross: No. To get to the front row of a One Direction concert.
- Caleb Shannon: Yeah, sorry I'm late. I had to sneak past *Darla*. We don't have long, cause she finds me and serves me a beverage. And offers me this tiny useless pillow!
- Emma Ross: [sighs] It's not fair that *we* have to sneak around because of *their* stupid feud!
- Caleb Shannon: I know. It's like we're the original star-crossed lovers!
- Emma Ross: Bella and Edward?
- Caleb Shannon: No. Romeo and Juliet.
- [quoting Juliet Capulet from Romeo and Juliet]
- Caleb Shannon: Tis but thy name that my enemy. That which we call a *Ross* by any other name would smell as sweet.
- Emma Ross: Roses are red, violets are blue, you talk pretty. Me likey you too!
- [close up of Mrs Kipling approaching Paton, carrying a rose]
- Emma Ross: [looking at Paton and Mrs Kipling] Looks like he's finally winning her over. Girls love uniforms!
- Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott: [Jessie's dad has caught out Jessie and the kids; after seeing Luke, Zuri and Ravi stick goo onto Darla and sticking her to the wall] JESSIE!
- Col. Beverly Shannon: [seeing Darla stuck to the wall] Oh, my stars and stripes! Dar-Dar, is that you?
- Darla Shannon: [stuck to the wall in goo] Yes, Mummy! Look what they did to me!
- Col. Beverly Shannon: Oh, dear! You look like one of those hideous aliens from Area 51!
- [Jessie, the kids, Darla and Jessie's dad look at her weirdly, with a brief pause]
- Col. Beverly Shannon: Which completely does not exist.
- [gives them a threatening stare and points at them]
- Col. Beverly Shannon: And if any of you dare to mention this conversation, there will be a probing in your future!
- [the kids look at each other]
- Jessie Prescott: [Jessie looks at her dad, worried] Dad, I know what you're thinking; but, any time there's trouble,
- [points at Darla]
- Jessie Prescott: Darla is the one who starts it!
- Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott: [looks at the kids, in the B.A.T; and Darla stuck to the wall] So did she start this?
- Jessie Prescott: [looks at the kids and Darla awkwardly] OK, maybe this time is a bad example.
- Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott: I've asked you to try and get along with Darla, but instead, you attack her with experimental weaponry?
- Jessie Prescott: [Jessie has had enough of her dad forcing her to get along with Darla] Why do you care so much if I get along with Darla? After this trip, I'll never have to see her again!
- Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott: Oh, yes, you will, because you and Darla are going to be *sisters*!
- Jessie Prescott: [Jessie is shocked at the thought of becoming Darla's step-sister] WHAT?
- Col. Beverly Shannon: [looking at Jessie and Darla] That's right, girls. My armored heart has been captured by this
- [looking at J.W]
- Col. Beverly Shannon: uniformed yum-yum!
- [Beverly and J.W smooch in front of Jessie and Darla and both of them express looks of disgust]
- Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott: So, we wanted you to become friends before we told you, but now, we're out of time.
- [looking at Beverly, smiling]
- Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott: Our wedding is tomorrow.
- Jessie Prescott: [shocked and confused] Wait, tomorrow? As in... the day after today?
- Col. Beverly Shannon: Yes, if I can wait that long.
- [looking into space]
- Col. Beverly Shannon: The only man I've had in my life for the last 10 years is Uncle Sam.
- [doing the Uncle Sam pose at J.W]
- Col. Beverly Shannon: Now I want *you*!
- Jessie Prescott: [shocked] Wait, so, *that's* why you wanted me to come home?
- Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott: Yes! And that's why I invited *you*
- [looking at the kids]
- Lt. Colonel John Wayne 'J.W.' Prescott: , not these little threats to national security! Now, get out of my B.A.T! I had the seat just where I liked it!
- Ravi Ross: [the kids slowly start to get out of the B.A.T] We are extremely sorry, sir. Even though I did not do anything, and it was all Luke's fault.
- [Ravi accidentally presses a button on the B.A.T and it foams both J.W and Beverly]
- Ravi Ross: OK, that one is on me. By the way, for the wedding; can you put me down for a vegetarian meal?
- [Beverly and JW look at the kids in horror, trying to get the foam off]
- Bertram: [opening lines] No! No! *NO!*
- Jessie Prescott: You just have to watch the kids for one measly weekend.
- [begging Bertram]
- Jessie Prescott: Please?
- Bertram: No! Walking away. Don't follow!
- [Jessie walks behind Bertram]
- Bertram: You're following.
- Jessie Prescott: Bertram, it's a big deal that my dad invited me home! He was *really* mad when I left for New York instead of joining the military.
- Bertram: Just think how glad the military was.
- Jessie Prescott: Please! This is my chance to clear the air with him and prove that I made the right decision!
- Bertram: By being a failed actress and a mediocre nanny?
- [Bertram chuckles to himself]
- Jessie Prescott: OK, I may not have joined the military; but I can still still snap your windpipe with one finger.
- [Jessie holds up her pinky finger at Bertram]
- Bertram: [referring to the children] Better that than taking care of *those* monsters!
- Jessie Prescott: Please! They're such good kids! What could possibly go wrong?
- Emma Ross: [cutting to the Ross kids firing a rocket and beginning a countdown in the lounge room] Three!
- Luke Ross: Two!
- Ravi Ross: One!
- Zuri Ross: BLAST OFF!
- [Ravi launches the rocket, and then it hits the roof; and the water tower; getting Jessie and Bertram all wet]
- Bertram: [pointing at the roof; and the water tower that got blown up by the rocket] That.
- Luke Ross: [staring at the roof] I can't believe we blew up the water tower.
- [pause]
- Luke Ross: AWESOME!
- [Jessie stares at the kids, shocked]
- Emma Ross: Ravi, you said it would only go up 15 feet!
- Ravi Ross: Oops! It turns out rocket science is as difficult as... well, rocket science!
- [Jessie looks at Ravi, all wet, thinking "You think?"]
- Zuri Ross: On the plus side, now we have a skylight!
- Ravi Ross: [to Jessie, thinking she was going to send them to their rooms] Jessie, please do not send us to our rooms. Especially since the structure of the roof has been compromised.
- Jessie Prescott: [getting every bit of debris and water out of her hair and letting the kids know about their punishment] Oh, you're not going to your rooms! You're going to spend the weekend on a military base. In Texas!
- Emma Ross: [in horror at the thought of going to Texas and yelling at the roof and echoing] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- [it echoes through the penthouse and throughout New York City]
- Darla Shannon: [Darla stands up to the podium; delivering her speech] OK. Um, I am so glad that my mum is marrying J.W.
- [looks at Jessie]
- Darla Shannon: I have always admired his daughter, Jessie.
- Jessie Prescott: [to the soldier next to her at the table, under her breath] Wait for it...
- Darla Shannon: [continues her speech] Not everyone could fail so miserably at acting, and still has the courage to keep trying; even though she keeps getting rejected over, and over and *over*!
- Jessie Prescott: [under her breath] And there it is!
- Darla Shannon: Kind of like the way she was rejected by all the boys in high school! She was so unpopular, that even the vending machines rejected her quarters!
- Jessie Prescott: [shoving Darla out of the way, delivering her speech] OK! Alright, thank you, Darla!
- [sarcastically]
- Jessie Prescott: That was fascinating! Just like your stories about collecting barf bags at 30,000 feet! And your "how to put on a seatbelt" speech is always a big hit at parties!
- Darla Shannon: [shoving Jessie out of the way, continues her speech] OK, and I know whenever I need advice, Jessie will always be there, because Lord knows, she's never out on a *date*!
- Jessie Prescott: [shoves Darla out of the way, continues her speech]
- [clapping sarcastically]
- Jessie Prescott: Let's hear it for Darla Shannon! If her name sounds familiar, it's probably because you wrote a complaint letter to an airline about her!
- [Jessie and Darla mock laugh, and then scowl at each other]
- Luke Ross: [while Darla and Jessie are trading insults at the rehearsal brunch, Luke, Zuri and Ravi are doing wheelies in the B.A.T] THIS IS AWESOME!
- Zuri Ross: [Zuri whoops and shouts] THIS IS FUN!
- Ravi Ross: [Ravi hands on for dear life in fear] THIS IS GOING TO BE THE DAY I DIE! AND I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD TO PUBERTY!
- [the kids hit the brakes and they stop near the mess hall, where the rehearsal brunch is taking place]
- Jessie Prescott: [10 minutes later, the insults between Jessie and Darla continue] You should've seen Darla's face in high school! The moon had less craters! Then again, the moon didn't eat four personal pan pizzas for lunch every day!
- Darla Shannon: [shoving Jessie out of the way] OK, at least I didn't have to eat with the cafeteria lady!
- Jessie Prescott: [shoving Darla out of the way] Olga was a sparkling conversationalist! At least, I assume so. I don't speak Russian.