- Jess and Nick go on their first official date, but try to decide if it is really a date or not. Winston and Schmidt are left to themselves and realize Nick is the glue that holds them together. Without Nick, they are not sure what to do.
- Jess, Schmidt and Nick intercept Winston trying to get at the group charger. It's supposed to stay in neutral territory. The dudes tackle him and he runs, Schmidt follows.
Jess and Nick are left awkwardly alone. "I don't know why I do this, the charger doesn't even fit in my phone," Nick says. "I have like six chargers in my room, I just do this for fun," she says. Awkward pause.
"Well, here we are by ourselves," he says. "What should we do?" "Definitely not make out," he says. "Definitely not," she says.
Then Nick puts his hand on her boob, but acknowledges it's weird. She sizes him up as an upper boob guy. It's the most under-rated part of the boob, he's always said.
She asks what they are. Friends who sometimes make out, and sometimes can't stand each other, he says. He goes for the other boob.
Later, at school, Jess describes the boob move to Cece.
In the park, Nick tells his wise Asian old man friend Tran about the crazy sexual tension. "It's like the Wild West! No laws, whiskey for a nickel, whores caked in mud. I don't know what to do," he says.
In the wake of his father dying, Nick thinks he should make moves. "I want to mow a lawn, my lawn, in dark socks. What's my move with Jess?" he asks.
Tran says nothing, and Nick interprets that to mean he should ask Jess out. He practices, sincerely, to the old Asian dude. "Jessica, you are a beautiful woman and my life has not been the same since I met you and it would mean the world to me if you would go on a date with me."
Cut to Nick trying it for real, at her bedroom door, and babbling incoherently, calling her nick names and ending with "food?"
Nick goes to Schmidt for advice on what to wear for his date. Schmidt gets him in a suit, while Winston does neck-scaping.
"Now, here are some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date: You're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke and you have a problem with anger," Schmidt says.
They ask her name and he comes up with "Yolanda Winston."
He leaves and they know it's a fake name. Winston thinks this means Nick's a male escort, but Schmidt realizes it means it's with Jess.
They think they need Nick as their glue, and it doesn't work without him. They decide to sabotage the date.
Nick arrives at the location and Jess is at the hot dog cart across the street. She can't figure out why he's wearing a suit. They're about to cross the street when Nick gets a $340 ticket for jaywalking. He freaks Jess out by remaining calm.
Inside, the candlelit restaurant Jess asks if it's a date. Nick says it's just ordering champagne and hanging out with his friend, laughing at the idea.
Back at the loft, Schmidt and Winston try to figure out how to foil the date and get nowhere, probably because Winston's suggestion involves shooting a bear full of hep C and releasing it in the restaurant.
In the restaurant, Jess again tries to ask if it's a date. Nick sees Jess's ex ("the only man we both loved," Nick calls him) walk in, also on a date.
Russell (Dermot Mulroney) comes over and says he's glad to see "this is finally happening."
After he leaves, Jess suggests they go get a drink at the bar as friends. They leave, but Nick gets another jaywalking ticket outside, so they head back in to the bar.
At the loft, Schmidt asks Winston what the worst thing he ever experienced on a date was.
Flash to Winston at an outside table and a large man in a jacket and tighty whites coming up and singing "Father Figure" complete with pelvic thrusts.
Schmidt and Winston take their proposal to "Outside Dave" the homeless guy, who agrees to ruin a date for 25 minutes of TV time and one "home cooked sandwich."
Up in the loft, he screams "to the laboratory!" knocks stuff over and locks himself in the bathroom.
At the restaurant, Jess and Nick laugh about Winston and Schmidt. She mentions the boob grab and he argues that she has to stop asking him to open jars and playing cute and helpless because it's "ridiculously hot." She says he has to stop gargling his beer, which is her turn on.
Jess casually suggests they get dinner. They try to leave for their date, but run into the crosswalk cop again. Back inside, they try to recommandeer their table from Russell and his date.
At the table, they're several cocktails in. Jess offers to buy and Nick says he might put out. Russell says good-bye, telling them that they're "really something."
They follow him out of the restaurant for an explanation.
"You live together and you had three dates tonight, what's that? I think you guys don't really know what you are to each other," he says.
He dares them to write down what they are to each other: relationship, one night stand, above the waist only.
At the loft, Winston and Schmidt want to call the police to get Outside Dave out of the bathroom, but both their phones are dead and Schmidt put the charger in there as the "neutralist" room.
They hear Dave count down, "three, two one (heavy grunting) zero!"
Outside the restaurant, Nick and Jess finally write down their answers and give them to Russell. He looks at them and then says it wasn't a good idea and tries to leave. He steps into the street, but the jaywalking cop stops them.
Locked out of the bathroom, Schmidt freaks out thinking Outside Dave is using his four-in-one groomer. Winston wants to wait until Nick gets home, but Schmidt goes to the roof.
Sitting outside the restaurant, Jess asks Nick how he feels and what he wrote down. He asks her what she wrote. When neither of them will say, she says that from now on they'll do middle school dance rules. He grabs her upper boob again. "They've got a good squish to them," he says.
Schmidt crawls in the bathroom from the skylight and Winston hears screams from the other side of the door. He finally gets through the door with a sandwich and sees Outside Dave shaving Schmidt's leg as he hangs from the skylight.
With Schmidt rescued they celebrate their Winston-Schmidt moment, ignoring the fact there's a homeless dude dropping a deuce in their urinal.
Back at the loft, Nick and Jess both hungry since they never ate. Jess tries to open a jar then tries to hide it from him. He opens her jar then takes a slow, seductive, gargling sip of his beer. They're both incredibly turned on, but she says good night. He walks her to her door.
They say good night and go into their respective bedrooms, smoldering.
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