- Sterling Archer: He's a Master Chef, Lana, which, turns out, is not nearly as gay a job as I thought it was. I mean, it's no secret agent, but it's way above Architect.
- Lance Casteau: Okay, yeah, nice technique, Randy.
- Sterling Archer: Thank you, chef. Want me to prep the 'shrooms?
- Lance Casteau: No I got these, you do the aubergines.
- Sterling Archer: Right away, chef. If Chet gets his incompetent thumb out of his equally incompetent ass!
- Lance Casteau: Nice, yes, that is excellent A.B.B.A.B.
- Sterling Archer: Always Be Berating And Belittling.
- Lance Casteau: [to Lana] And you. Time to lean, time to get your distracting tits off my line.
- Lance Casteau: Food? We're not making food, people! We are creating cuisine! Food is what a dog eats! Or a tourist!
- [first lines]
- Lance Casteau: Why do I seem annoyed? Let's see... Instead of savoring this espresso, this cigarette, and the exactly four minutes of free time I have today, I'm talking to you cockwits. What else? Oh, tonight I'm doing a special seating for a bunch of diplomats from the State Department and Albania. So not only do I have to create a meal out of yogurt and a goddamn sheep's head, apparently there's been some vague security threat, so my highly-trained staff... Has been infiltrated!
- Lana Kane: Sorry...
- Lance Casteau: By Shithead Squadron!
- Lana Kane: Just need to grab some menus, for - the camera, why is there a camera?
- Lance Casteau: I assume because this restaurant can't hold three million viewers?
- Interviewer: [off-screen] Two-point-eight.
- Lance Casteau: Because it's not promoted properly!
- Lana Kane: This is gonna be televised?
- Interviewer: [off-screen] Yeah, the show's called Bastard Chef?
- Lana Kane: Mm. Scuse me.
- Lance Casteau: Thank you, giraffe-lady! Anyway, those ISIS idiots are doing security, and for some inexplicable reason they have to do that undercover, so -
- [sound of metal bowl hitting floor, making a WONGWONGWONGWONG noise for a long time]
- Sterling Archer: [off-screen] Whoops.
- Lance Casteau: That's probably why I seem annoyed.
- Sterling Archer: But Chef, Why?
- [Archer asks why he murdered the Albanian Ambassador]
- Lance Casteau: Six-million bucks - which I'm gonna use to deficit finance a new show where I travel, so I can insult people's cooking all over the globe.
- [Anthony Bourdain is remembered for his shows where he explored world cultures and their cuisines. Through "Lance Casteau", Bourdain pokes fun at himself]