Community (TV Series)

Intro to Knots (2013)

Malcolm McDowell: Professor Cornwallis

Photos 

Quotes 

• Professor Cornwallis : This is actually a felony. I mean, I will call the police, and you will all go to jail.

  Jeff Winger : Let me explain to you why you won't do that.

  Troy Barnes : First, he's tied up.

• Annie Edison : No one wants to screw the group.

  Jeff Winger : Oh, you see that, professor? Your offer actually made it harder for you to get untied, because no one wants to be the betrayer.

  Professor Cornwallis : Beware the Ides of March, Mr. Winger. Everyone wants to be the betrayer.

  Jeff Winger : What the hell is your game?

  Professor Cornwallis : I'm trying to teach you history. Your failure will be the same as any self-obsessed nation. You only care about each other when you're winning. The Romans loved Rome when it was raping half the world, but when Hannibal came charging over the Alps, the Romans turned on themselves as quickly as you can say, "e pluribus unum."

  Troy Barnes : I'm pretty sure it's "anus."

• Professor Cornwallis : Good news, Mr. Winger. You may remove your lips from my buttocks, because you have in fact succeeded in changing your grade. It's now an "F".

  Jeff Winger : What?

  Annie Edison : You're "F" -ing us?

• Professor Cornwallis : Enough. It's time to stop arsing about and get serious. So let's hear it from the one person who needs that "A" the most and can't possibly abide by an "F," the one person on pace to become class Valedictorian.

  Annie Edison : I would never turn against the group.

  Professor Cornwallis : I'm not talking about you, Miss Edison.

  Annie Edison : What? Abed?

  [Abed shrugs] 

  Annie Edison : Jeff?

  [Jeff glares] 

  Troy Barnes : [blithely]  Is it me?

  Annie Edison : [incredulously]  Oh, my God, *Britta*?

  Shirley Bennett : [indignantly]  First of all, it's me, and, second of all, you put Britta ahead of me?

  Britta Perry : [aggrievedly]  None taken.

• Professor Cornwallis : I mean, come on, you don't deserve an "F". And you know that, because of your impairment, they'll forgive you anyway.

  Abed Nadir : All true, but I'm probably not your best target. If you don't mind, I'd like to get some popcorn. Typically, it takes a while for villains to ramp up. Promise not to monologue till I get back?

• Jeff Winger : Can I show you around, starting with the bar?

  Professor Cornwallis : A lovely place. Very feminine.

  Britta Perry : [gasps]  Did you hear him use "feminine" as an insult? Typical phallo-centric worldview. I bet he gave us a failing grade because he could tell my section was written by a strong, independent...

  Troy Barnes : Would you excuse me? I've just seen an old friend.

• Jeff Winger : It's Macallan Eighteen. I like to serve it neat if that's okay with you?

  Professor Cornwallis : [sarcastically]  What, in America? Don't you mix it with cherry pop or Monterey Jack cheese?

  Shirley Bennett : Professor, these are melon slices with ham.

  Annie Edison : And asparagus wrapped in salmon.

  Professor Cornwallis : [subtle sarcasm]  I see somebody's been attempting tapas.

  Jeff Winger : Oh, that would be me. I think cuisine is like a window into history. I believe it was the hun...

  Professor Cornwallis : [interrupts]  Actually, you know, I was talking to the ladies.

  [follows Annie and Shirley] 

• Professor Cornwallis : Changnesia. I mean, why do you indulge that idiot?

• Professor Cornwallis : Usually, the cracks are hidden within the alliances. So let's see. In any group of seven, there's bound to be some romantic entanglements. See, I've noticed that the damaged blonde is dating the childish black one, I wonder, does anyone take issue with that pairing?

  Jeff Winger : You're fishing, professor. No one has anything against Britta and Troy dating.

  Britta Perry : And that's coming from Jeff, and we used to date, so...

  Jeff Winger : Britta, information is ammo. And what we did was not dating.

  Britta Perry : Uh.

  Professor Cornwallis : Ah. A little friction. That usually indicates heat.

  Troy Barnes : Heat? There's no heat. If there was heat, I'd be nervous, and, if I was nervous, I'd be rambling, and I'm definitely not rambling, so there's no heat.

  Professor Cornwallis : Ah, well, I think we found our triangle. Thank you and welcome to the party, Troy.

  Troy Barnes : He knows my name.

  Jeff Winger : Guys, keep it together.

  [microwave beeps] 

  Abed Nadir : [chuckles, returns to a silent room]  I missed something great, didn't I?

• Professor Cornwallis : Why in God's name would I leave?

  [all scream] 

  Professor Cornwallis : This is just getting interesting. Now, one of you untied me. I wonder who it was. Who is the Benedict Arnold, the true hero of this story?

  Annie Edison : Oh, no, what's gonna happen when we find out who betrayed us?

  Shirley Bennett : [suspiciously]  I wonder why you're so scared.

  Annie Edison : It wasn't me.

  Troy Barnes : Can we just say a ghost did it again?

  Britta Perry : We're gonna find out who did it when we get our grade.

  Professor Cornwallis : No, we'll have to find out now. Otherwise, the lesson isn't complete.

  Jeff Winger : But the lesson is complete, professor. You know what you taught us tonight? That, yes, empires fall, but we're no empire. We're just a bunch of flawed, selfish people. And that's not our weakness. It's our strength. The one thing that we can count on at any given moment is that the six of us are paying for a mistake made by one of us. And that means, at any given moment, one of us is screwing up so badly, that he or she is gonna forgive whoever screws up next. Now I'm gonna do something that Octavian never would... yeah, I read the book. I'm gonna say that whoever untied the professor... I don't give a crap. Because whoever it was, I know it was some flawed, selfish, weak, hopeless soul like me.

  Jeff Winger : Exactly what the betrayer would say.

• Professor Cornwallis : Very well. Seeing as you saved me from my yearly Christmas tradition of plum pudding, roasted goose, and updating my suicide note...

  [Chang chuckles]