- Ben Wyatt: Ok, I know this text you sent me was a lie and Michael Stipe is not actually here, correct?
- Tom Haverford: Correct, that was a lie.
- Ben Wyatt: Yeah, no, I knew it was. I just couldn't live with myself if it had been true.
- Tom Haverford: And that's why I sent it.
- April Ludgate: This is Stacy Knoblock's house. I went to high school with her and she was super mean to me. Now I know that she dyes her hair. I knew that wench wasn't naturally blonde! Oh my god. She has to use prescription-strength deodorant. This is the best day of my life!
- April Ludgate: You know what, I think men are better than women.
- Ann Perkins: She's kidding.
- April Ludgate: No, I'm not. They provide for us, and we must obey them because they are our masters.
- Leslie Knope: April, stop it.
- April Ludgate: Leslie, you'll never land a beau with that domineering tone. We must always walk behind the men.
- [Jerry enters Ron's office]
- Jerry Gergich: Well hey, girls.
- Ivy Lewis: [looks at Jerry] No.
- Jerry Gergich: [smiling] Okay, thanks!
- Leslie Knope: Those sanitation goons set us up! You know what? Let's just go.
- April Ludgate: What? No! We can't let them beat us!
- Leslie Knope: Just call it a tie; nobody can lift it.
- April Ludgate: No Leslie - we do not want to tie, we want to win. Those guys suck, okay? We have to prove them wrong.