- Debbie Weaver: They're flirting, Larry. They're letting her know that they find her attractive.
- Larry Bird: She is?
- Jackie Joyner-Kersee: I am?
- Debbie Weaver: Are you kidding? Larry, your wife is a 10!
- Larry Bird: Out of how many? Because if she's a 10, I'm at least a 38.
- Larry Bird: I have to figure out a way to be more physically appealing.
- Max Weaver: You could get a makeover like they do on TV.
- Larry Bird: [sighs] This is real life, kids. It's not TV. We are a family of aliens living amongst humans. And every week we tackle a new problem together, and learn that while we may be from different backgrounds, even planets, family dynamics are, in fact, universal. It's real life, kids, it's not TV!
- [sighs]
- Dick Butkus: Mom and Debbie Weaver got dressed up and went to Hell. As far as I'm concerned, you can all go there too.
- Debbie Weaver: If I were to get all styled up, do you think I could get into a club?
- Amber Weaver: A book club?
- Larry Bird: You feed this to your children? Is it to punish them?
- Debbie Weaver: No, Larry, it's not a punishment. It's called cereal.
- Larry Bird: It's 98% processed sugar spray painted pink. You're better off eating the box.
- Marty Weaver: Michael friggin' Bay hit on my sexy wife.
- Debbie Weaver: I don't know if it's sexy or weird that it's turning you on.
- Marty Weaver: I don't know either, but it's happening.