30 Rock (TV Series)

There's No I in America (2012)

Tina Fey: Liz Lemon

Quotes 

• Jenna Maroney : Okay, you two can talk about America all you want, but I'm not gonna listen, because there's no "I" or "me" in America.

  Liz Lemon : There's both.

• Liz Lemon , Jack Donaghy : [At the same time]  Jenna, we have to talk.

  Liz Lemon : Me first, because I'm your best friend and this is very important.

  Jack Donaghy : You know what? Talk to Lemon. I'll find someone else for my thing you're not right for.

  Jenna Maroney : What thing? I was born for it. Am I not blonde enough? Because I'll put my head in a microwave.

• Jack Donaghy : I bet you bought those hideous shoes for some emotional reason.

  Liz Lemon : For every pair you buy, they give a pair to a child that was forced to work in the factory that makes these shoes.

• Liz Lemon : What America needs is four more years of the stuff Obama's been doing. Like The one with the guy. It was at night, and I feel like he was standing next to a fence.

  Jack Donaghy : This country needs Mitt Romney.

  Liz Lemon : Like it needs a hole in the head.

  Jack Donaghy : A head has five holes, and they are all needed.

• Liz Lemon : [Liz is sweating during her debate with Jack]  Jenna, you need to trust me here. Have I ever steered you wrong? I stopped you when you wanted to join that white tiger magic show. I stopped you when you tried to drive us into Lake Michigan because Scottie Pippen got married. Listen to me, Jenna, and listen to your heart!

  Jack Donaghy : Miss Lemon, I know Scottie Pippen. I own a Fuddrucker's with Scottie Pippen. And you, sir, look like Scottie Pippen.

• Liz Lemon : How do you sleep at night, Jack?

  Jack Donaghy : I don't. I take thousands of micronaps during the day.

  Liz Lemon : Well, you know what?

  Jack Donaghy : [snores, then snaps awake]  No, Lemon. What?

• Liz Lemon : Jenna and her two million Twitter followers might decide the election! And if we figured this out, that means Jack figured it out ten minutes ago!

  Tracy Jordan : Go! Now! Before I lose interest!

• Liz Lemon : Okay, Jack, I was hoping that we could get through this "campaign" without going negative.

  Jack Donaghy : I agree. You're the one using negative words like "without" and "negative".

• [first lines] 

  Liz Lemon : Do you know what this means?

  Tracy Jordan : No! I need a "Previously on"!

  Announcer : Previously on 30 Rock.

• Liz Lemon : You know Jenna is a liberal, Jack. She's a slut monster, and one of gay America's top hags. But this is what you do. You trick people into voting against their own interests. And then you sell them out at the drop of a hat.

  Jack Donaghy : First of all, I have never dropped a hat in my life. And don't be so sure about Jenna's politics. She's aging, mean, and rich. That sounds Republican to me.

  Liz Lemon : Jenna is overly sensitive, prone to hysteria, and having been shot and left for dead in three different deserts, pro-gun control. She's one of us.

• Liz Lemon : Jenna, this election is about emotion. It's about which candidate cares the most about the issues that truly matter to Jenna Maroney. For example, your reproductive rights. Do you want a bunch of old men behind closed doors deciding what you can and cannot do with your body?

  Jenna Maroney : Ooh, and how do they tell me their decisions? Do I get shocked whenever I do the wrong thing?

  Liz Lemon : What? No, Jenna, not that. God!

• Liz Lemon : [walking into Jack's office]  Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well... Nope, it's too many wells. I'm gonna re-enter.

• Jenna Maroney : My next question refers to an issue that I know deeply affects the vast majority of Jenna Maroney. Which political party is cooler?

  Liz Lemon : It's no contest, Jenna! The president listens to hip-hop rappings. We have the coolest celebrities. Scarlett Johansson. Blake Lively. Jessica Biel...

  Jack Donaghy : Wow. Those are all very beautiful women. Do you really want to be photographed next to them? Let me tell you who we have: Craig T. Nelson, Chuck Norris, and Charlton Heston's skull. You'd be the only cool Republican.