- Stewie Griffin: Trust me you can do it. You're so talented in so many ways.
- Brian Griffin: [Tail wagging] Like what?
- Stewie Griffin: Just, well, write down however you think you're talented and I'll sign it.
- Doctor Hartman: [Looking into Lois' open legs as she's ready to give birth] I think I can hear the ocean. And smell it too.
- Lois Griffin: There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie.
- Stewie Griffin: What are you talking about?
- [she picks him up and puts him on the changing bed]
- Stewie Griffin: What's going on?
- Brian Griffin: I think you're getting a diaper change.
- [in the reversed time, Lois takes the fresh one off, and the dirty one jumps into her hand from the trash bin]
- Stewie Griffin: Ahh! Get that poop-filled thing away from me! NO! Oh, god, it's cold!
- Lois Griffin: [putting him back on the ground] Whew! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change.
- Stewie Griffin: Damn right I do! Now get this turd-filled sack off... oh, my god, it just went back in my body.
- Lois Griffin: Wow, Brian, you've had quite a string of female guests spend the night lately.
- Stewie Griffin: Yeah, whatever you're doing, it's working. You should see the way I have to pick up chicks.
- [cut to a bar; he runs up to a group of women]
- Stewie Griffin: Hi.
- [he runs away giggling]
- Brian Griffin: [returning from a time-travel trip] Well, I guess you can call me the Man of La Muncha.
- Girl #2: Hey, why does your time machine have a sticker that says "Property of Stewie Griffin"?
- Brian Griffin: Uh, well, I-I...
- [sighing]
- Brian Griffin: All right, to be completely honest, and because we've already had sex, it's not mine. I use it all the time, and the owner has no idea. In fact, he'd kill me if he knew.
- Girl #2: Really? Won't he see that thing on the control panel that says "years traveled"?
- Brian Griffin: What thing?
- [she points it out, and he sees he's traveled across 10,918 years]
- Ferris Bueller: [breaking the fourth wall] Here's where Brian goes berserk.
- Girl #2: [Brian yells like Cameron does in the movie] Look, it's no big deal. Just reverse it and take off the miles. That's what I do when I take my dad's car out.
- Brian Griffin: Are you... are you 16?
- Girl #2: I will be next September.
- Brian Griffin: Well, I think someone has a Barnes & Noble gift card coming for their silence.
- Peter Griffin: [Speaking to Stewie as he's brought home from the hospital] Well it's up to you buddy. Save this marriage.
- Brian Griffin: Stewie, you can't just change the direction of time. H-How is this even possible?
- Stewie Griffin: Well, clearly, when you attempted to reverse the gauge on my time machine, you somehow released a quantum shockwave powerful enough to push the flow of time in the opposite direction. I can only surmise that you and I were isolated from its effects because we were inside the machine at the moment of temporal inversion. Are you... are you sleeping?
- Brian Griffin: [with his eyes closed, waking up] Huh? No, no, I... no, I was listening.
- Stewie Griffin: What kind of jerk alters time and then falls asleep?
- Brian Griffin: Look, I'm sorry, Stewie, but do you think you can fix it?
- Stewie Griffin: Well, it's gonna take a while to rebuild the machine, and even longer to recalibrate it for normal time, but I've taken on bigger challenges before. I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal.
- [cut to him in front of a blank white background]
- Stewie Griffin: Face.
- Brian Griffin: Hi, there.
- Cindy: Hi. I'm Cindy. The only way I believe I'm pretty is if strangers have sex with me.
- Brian Griffin: Well, maybe I could help fill you up with self-confidence. Brian.
- Man in Bar: [interrupting] Hello, there, sexy.
- Brian Griffin: Do you mind? We were having a conversation.
- Man in Bar: My house has 8,000 square feet, zero bookshelves.
- Cindy: Wow, that's impressive.
- Brian Griffin: I'm a writer, published twice.
- Man in Bar: I own a cinder block yard. Have over 12,000 cinder blocks. If you ever need cinder block, I can get you good price.
- Cindy: Thank you.
- Brian Griffin: I-I have a six-CD changer, so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world.
- Man in Bar: Come have sex with me. My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done.
- Cindy: Okay.
- Brian Griffin: [they start to leave] Wait!
- [thinking quickly]
- Brian Griffin: I have a time machine.
- Cindy: You do?
- Brian Griffin: Yeah, you wanna see it?
- Cindy: Yes, I want to see it!
- Brian Griffin: [leading her out] Better luck next time, pal. Some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever.
- Cindy: Why do you keep a sleeping baby in your time machine room?
- Brian Griffin: I-I don't know. My decorator's terrible.
- Cindy: [ending up at Ford's Theater in 1865] Where are we?
- Brian Griffin: Ford's Theater, April 14, 1865.
- Cindy: Ooh, Valentine's Day. How romantic.
- Brian Griffin: Uh, yeah, sure, you know me.
- Stewie Griffin: [woken from sleep by his time machine fritzing] Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine?
- Brian Griffin: I-I don't know, man. I-I saw Meg leaving a minute ago going "Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha", but I-I don't know.
- Stewie Griffin: [watching it continue to malfunction] Oh, my god, it's having a complete meltdown!
- [running inside to try and fix it, they're thrown back out of it and knocked unconscious]
- Brian Griffin: [waking up the next day] What happened?
- Stewie Griffin: I don't know.
- [seeing the damaged machine]
- Stewie Griffin: Dear God, my time machine!
- [running inside and coming out with a pair of women's underwear]
- Stewie Griffin: You, uh... you want to tell me about this?
- Brian Griffin: See? I told you it was Meg.
- Stewie Griffin: I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track.
- Stewie Griffin: Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine.
- Brian Griffin: Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it, so I tried turning the chronological gauge backward.
- Stewie Griffin: It's not designed to go backward, Brian. The question is, how am I going to fix it?
- [looking out the window]
- Stewie Griffin: What the hell?
- [seeing everybody outside moving in reverse]
- Stewie Griffin: Dear God, everything's moving backward.
- Brian Griffin: What? What are you talking about?
- Stewie Griffin: I don't know what the hell you did with all your messing around, Brian, but somehow my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time.
- Brian Griffin: Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that even mean? I don't get it.
- [looking out the window, he sees Mort Goldman take a penny out of his pocket, put it on the ground, and walk away in reverse]
- Brian Griffin: Okay, now I get it.
- Stewie Griffin: You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks!
- Brian Griffin: Oh, come on, they're not all bad.
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer? She was a real prize.
- [cut to Brian and his date having dinner with Peter and Lois]
- Lois Griffin: How are you enjoying your meal?
- Girl #3: L-L-Lois, it's d-d-d-delicious.
- Peter Griffin: [standing and going to the thermostat] Oh, for cryin' out loud.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, why are you turning up the heat again?
- Peter Griffin: Lois, this woman is obviously freezing.
- Brian Griffin: Hey, look, what's wrong with Peter?
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, you smell that? He's passed-out drunk. Does no one in this house have any dignity?
- Peter Griffin: [as time reverses, he flies off the bed and starts getting dressed] Hey, Lois, I'm home from the Clam, and I'm horny.
- [he backs down the stairs and into the car, then drives off, his drunk-driving damage repairing itself, including a boy on a bicycle he hit]
- Stewie Griffin: Hmm. Seems like reverse time did that kid a favor.
- Brian Griffin: I'm not so sure about that.
- Mr. Herbert: ["chasing" the boy in reverse] Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer!
- Lois Griffin: If your happy and you know it clap your hands
- Stewie Griffin: Fuck you
- Lois Griffin: If your happy and you know it clap your hands
- Stewie Griffin: Eat shit
- Lois Griffin: If you're happy and you know it in your face will surely show it if you're happy and you know it clap your hands
- Stewie Griffin: Dumb cunt