- Alex signs the gang up to participate in the Northside Kickball Classic tournament. However, self-appointed manager Max has a struggle on his hands.
- Alex signs up the gang to participate in the Northside Kickball Classic tournament. However, self-appointed manager Max has difficulty bringing his players up to scratch - Dave has a history of freezing at crucial moments after an unfortunate incident during a previous game, Penny uses the tournament as an opportunity to meet good-looking guys and refuses to put on appropriate footwear, while Jane abandons her friends altogether and started playing for another team.—jockteen10
- Despite their abysmal previous result, blamed on Dave freezes since he once accidentally kicked a ball straight in her face, foppish Penny entered the gang for another Kickball match in a Chicago small firms-sponsored league, hoping it's a good hunting ground for sportive dates, so fashion primes on proper gear. Self-declared coach Max's dictatorial methods seem to work as the qualify for for the final, but Jane has defected to the opposition she considers the Obvious winner, so Max decides to put team over friend loyalty and benches Dave. Both teams are in for major surprises, starting with Dave having to fall in for the gang's team as another player is injured.—KGF Vissers
- Dave watches the kickball fly out of the park, much to the shock of everyone.
72 HOURS EARLIER
Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) called everyone over announce she signed them up for the annual North Side Kickball Classic, and Xela was sponsoring their team. Xela is Alex's store. (DAVE: I thought Xela was a four-letter Celtic symbol for FAILURE.) But the bad news doesn't end there. Penny (Casey Wilson) is more interested in using the tournament to pick up guys, Max (Adam Pally) refuses to be player-manager unless they pay his fee (plenty of warm beer seems to be his price), Brad (Damon Wayans Jr.) likes to bunt. Yes, in kickball. Dave (Zachary Knighton) has developed a case of the yips since the terrible incident in which he nailed Penny with a kickball. Worst of all, Jane (Eliza Coupe) had already signed up with an auto dealership because she is hypercompetitive and wants to win. Not too unlike when she pushed Alex out of the way as kids so she could dance with Babu, the Green Monkey on TV. But Jane was determined to take her talents to South Side Kaz's Auto Body Shop.
PENNY: I remember that. When you went took your prize trip to Wave World and contracted that flesh-eating strep bacteria?
ALEX: That should have been MY flesh-eating strep bacteria!
At the kickball field (Hey, did you know Chicago had mountains? And palm trees? Neither did I!), Max had the plan in place. Some light stretching, followed by heavy losing, followed by even heavier drinking. Given his right-fielder (Penny) was wearing six-inch heels and hitting on the other teams and Brad was practicing his nudges, you could understand, despite Alex's optimism. But they found a replacement for Jane (although not how hot she looked in those little shorts). Scotty, making the entrance onto the field with his dirt bike. (That was the only thing that made him look like Kelly Leak.) Sure enough, Xela was 2 outs away from losing to the Wicker Park Teacher's Association and Dave was having PPSD (Post-Penny Stress Disorder) yips. But Alex wasn't going to give up, sending the next one over the fence. That inspires Brad to bunt his way on, Dave to somehow not get the third out, and they come back to win. They go on a tear, making it to the next day and the semi-finals. The gang celebrates, but Jane is not ready to give up on the trash talk. However, the team is giving as good as they're getting. (MAX: It's the classic battle: good vs. evil, Bulls vs. Pistons, my Aunt Michelle vs. Hepatitis B.) But Jane is still confident because Alex's team still has "Yipsie Ki Yay, Mother Failure" as their weak link: Dave. Alex says her team has loyalty and Jane walks away.
ALEX: We've got to cut that sad mother failure.
MAX: Yeah, but you have to do it because he's used to hearing that crap from you.
Of course, Alex doesn't say a word; she lets him find out for himself. Although in fairness, if you have to be replaced, being replaced by Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs is not exactly what you'd call emasculating. Dave is upset, although an autographed picture from Lance helps a bit. Down a run and to their final out, Alex comes up to the plate to face Jane as pitcher. Oh, and as if this wasn't Kit-Dottie (from A League of Their Own (1992)) enough, Jane sheds her uniform to reveal a Babu, the Green Monkey t-shirt underneath. (it's a half-shirt now, but RAWR!) Alex was so ticked off, the ball went up against her leg and she was tagged out without moving an inch. Alex was pissed, even tearing the head off of Lance Briggs for liking Babu, the Green Monkey.
Needless to say it was a depressed crowd at the bar that night. (BRAD: I HATE being humiliated by Jane...unless it's on my terms and there's a safe word.) Of course, it would have helped if they got Robbie Gould instead of Lance Briggs because Briggs sucked at kickball. (Paint the kickball yellow and green and put a #12 on it and I bet he would have played well.) Alex realized she wanted to do this for fun and then got caught up in trying to beat Jane, thus ruining it even more for everybody. But there was light at the end of the tunnel. Jane turned her own team in for corking their shoes with steel. (PENNY: Wow, if you can't trust an auto body shop, who can you trust?) But Jane decided she preferred to be ruthless with the gang instead of against them. Alex brings some Apology Soup to Dave (corn chowder, same as "sorry you saw my mom naked" soup) and asks him to play the next day. But Dave decided he wanted to support his friends by making sure they won, so he volunteered to be their badass cheerleader. The next day, Xela (now with uniforms) took on the Ivanov Nail Salon (think Globo Gym Purple Cobras from Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)). Xela was down 3-0 and to their final out, but they had Penny on first and Alex on second (resisting any jokes about Alex and second base), with Bunt Cake (aka Brad) at the plate. Now if you think Brad somehow manages to get on base safely (by faking a bunt and getting a single) to load them up and by some freak of nature Dave ended up at the plate, then you've watched too many sitcoms. Dave is freaking out, but Penny runs to him and tells him to stop freaking out about hitting her in the head. (PENNY: It's hard NOT to hit me. I mean, look at this melon!) Dave gets the confidence to go to the plate. He smacks a doozy!! Right at Penny's head! She gets knocked down, and the ball pops into the air to be caught by the pitcher. Team Xela lost but celebrate like mad, much to everyone's confusion. And they forget Penny, who is still down and crying in pain. On the good side, she had a lovely night with Lance Briggs looking up at the stars.
BRIGGS: Right there, just above Orion's Belt, I see an H-back in spread formation. He's about to run a check down. What do you see?
PENNY: (still loopy) I see a puppy.
BRIGGS: We are so in sync.
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