Hell's Caretaker (2013) Poster

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5/10
My Review Of "Hell's Caretaker"
ASouthernHorrorFan12 July 2014
Warning: Spoilers
"Hell's Caretaker" is a psychological thriller directed by Phillip Cappello and stars Patrick McGowen, Alexandra Mingione, Joey Mintz, Sean Deblat, Aya Beldi (Shapovalov). The story revolves around a group of friends who take a trip back to a family retreat in order to say goodbye to a four-legged friend. They are greeted by a horror far worse than the pain of saying good by when the caretaker turns out to be a brutal psychopathic killer.

The plot for "Hell's Caretaker" is a well thought-out concept that screams terror. Unfortunately that terror becomes lost in translation when acted out. The cast give good enough performances, even though the characters seemed a bit two-dimensional. The dialog and most situational moments play out convincingly enough and feel authentic, but a lot of little inflections and interactions seem nonsensical-not true to human nature, so the feel of those moments drop a bit. Cappello creates a nice enough story that should have been a tight nightmare, however I never felt any suspense or chill as a horror fan while watching this film.

The special effects here are obviously where budget cuts were made in "Hell's Caretaker" because the kill scenes seemed rushed and pushed off as "just another scene to get through". The blood and gore was almost nonexistent, not that every film needs it or that I have to have it to appreciate a film, but if you are gonna have a story tease and take you to that moment then the director should deliver it. Cappello never really delivers on it-it being the horror and terror aspect of this film.

The soundtrack and sound effects in "Hell's Caretaker" are quality additives offering a blend of melancholia and sorrowful nostalgia. It is really the only true nod to horror, or suspense in the film. There is slight flash gore visual affects, and flashback to the death scene moments that give a slight nightmarish quality to the story but it isn't enough to push "Hell's Caretaker" to that true horror or thriller level that the story arch teases. Plus the killer is never really defined separately, or terrifyingly enough, against the rest of the characters/victims to make him monstrous so it causes the kill sequences to fall flat.

Overall "Hell's Caretaker" is a bummer of a horror film, feeling more made-for-TV than actual indie horror. It does manage to bring to life a good drama, even has a small amount of haunting suspense in certain moments of the film, unfortunately not enough to satisfy me personally. The acting is standard with characters that are clichéd but relatable and the story arch is completed. So those elements offer so compensation for the time spent watching "Hell's Caretaker". The real problem with the film and how Cappello chose to bring this nightmare to life is the unwillingness to show the actual horror, I am all for "implied or suggested horror" but I don't want to have to do all the work, I wanna see some bloody gruesomeness to help get me there.
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5/10
Don't be turned off by the one star reviews.
bfp1310830 January 2023
There's enough good dialogue, suspense, attractive twenty somethings and plot to make this a fairly good movie to get you through a lonely night. I enjoyed it. Yes, the movie has clearly defined failings but that doesn't mean it should be dismissed outright. I think that is a succinct and fair review so could a bunch of people appeal IMDB's decision that forces reviewers to write a bunch of additional nonsense just so that their reviews can be published. Again, I enjoyed watching the movie, but there could have been additional plot points and character development to make it more believable. That it was lacking in this doesn't necessarily make it a 1 star movie.
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3/10
THE PORTER SHOW
2BoZozz517830 March 2024
Warning: Spoilers
You know there's a problem with this movie when Porter the dog is listed first in the credits! WTH! Porter is such a beautiful dog, it's hard to believe he's the catalyst for just about all the violence in this movie. For example, because Porter is old, his owner Sam asks the caretaker to put Porter to sleep. The caretaker, on the other hand, doesn't carry out Sam's request and secretly keeps Porter for himself. Of course some loudmouth tells Sam his dog is still alive. Sam gets mad as hell (WHY??), confronts the caretaker, one thing leads to another. Next thing u know, all hell breaks loose. Bodies start piling up.

This movie has plenty of violence, but some funny moments too. I love the scene where the asian woman runs back into the house and rescues Porter from the bad man BEFORE she rescues Leon the ex-marine FROM THE BAD MAN! As a disabled marine, Leon gets no respect. At the movies end, would-be rescuers arrive at the house, walk right past Leon, whose lying on the ground (dead?) And who do they check on first? Porter the dog, who else?! LOL. And what's the big idea, early in the movie, of putting the disabled Leon in the back of the pickup in FREEZING weather, while at the same time everybody else is warm INSIDE the truck?? Somebody even suggested transporting Leon in a U-haul. LOL!
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2/10
The only hell here is watching this cinematic pile of deer scats
kardosma1 January 2018
Warning: Spoilers
Wow, okay. I went into this thinking 'There's not much written about it, but I'll give it a shot... what can it hurt?' I'll tell you what it can hurt - your self respect (that you watched over 50 minutes of it expecting it to get better) and your intellect... I mean, I could feel the IQ points being drained away the longer i watched. Maybe I was sucked in by Patrick T McGowan, who is a bit of a character actor and almost like a poor man's Dennis Hopper playing the bad guy, I don't know. But between the lacklustre personalities of the characters, and the pointless feel to them even being at the house in the first place, it was hard to get involved with the story. In fact, the most engaging of the characters was the yellow Labrador 'Porter'. He was a good doggo. Shame then that he was owned by that waste of oxygen who decided to ditch him (read "let the old guy kill him") for no discernible/valid reason. WTH, man?? you know what, just kill them all, mister caretaker. And the more slow and painful it is, the better. Especially that loud mouthed, whiny vegetarian chick. *eyeroll* And don't even get me started on the horrifyingly depressing song that plays over the end credits..... So the bottom line: If you have time to throw away, can't sleep, or are just something of a masochist... indulge in this "masterpiece". If, however, you value your time, and realise that life is short... maybe find something else to do. Because even sorting the recycling is more fulfilling than watching this.
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1/10
You will be applauding the killer.
vince.smith28 December 2020
Unpleasant people being killed by a very pleasant killer.
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1/10
This is by far the worst movie I ever seen.
clockchannel12 April 2021
Warning: Spoilers
The movie is not scary at all flashing eyes and teeth don't give me any sort of reaction not even a blood chill, the movie makes no sense, this is basically a movie about people overreacting to a dog and sacrificing there life for the dog's safety which is pretty stupid. The music sounds like a ripoff of nickelback, this movie is very stereotyped where all old people are bad, women easily get scared (for example: by a mouse) and of course a black guy has to be in a wheelchair. Speaking of which the movie logic makes no sense, this movie is nowhere close to realistic, the "hell caretaker" got shot SQUARE IN THE CHEST with a bow and arrow and got up 2 minutes later, people have been knockout by rocks, being pushed to the ground, by being hit with a flashlight, etc. Not to mention this movie is also extremely lazy, the alcohol in the movie looks like water dyed yellow and there are probably many other mistakes I have missed.
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1/10
Gross, disgusting, and lame. Run Away!
jmbovan-47-16017329 February 2024
I stopped the film when the poorly acted Caretaker appeared to have sex with the female he just "accidentally" killed?

Not certain what to say about the production other than its poor. Acting is generally bad. Characters are two dimensional. Plotting seems to be "Old school mates meet for a reunion, go to one's recently inherited rather larger cabin in the woods, to give a dying dog's last weekend in the woods, and a cognitively impacted caretaker is weird."

The caretaker goes from being overly helpful to anti-social without any demeanor change. You can tell the shift because he says different things, contrary, but he doesn't change any other facet of his presentation.

Again, I stopped when it appeared the caretaker was humping his freshly killed female. What?!
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