- Jess invites Russell to stay overnight at her place and is worried about how the guys will react. Winston gets a job at a radio station but finds it is not what he thought it would be. Nick pitches one of his marketing ideas to Russell.
- Fancyman takes Jess to a garden party fundraiser for a senator. "I love these parties. I feel like I'm an ambassador, or a spy, or a really high class prostitute," Jess says. "It's a political fundraiser, who's to say you can't be all three?" he says.
Jess hasn't been home in a week -- she's wearing Fancyman's boxers. Jess wants to go home, she's worried about the guys.
Cut to them drinking beer and throwing tennis balls at each other, not missing her at all.
Winston listens to a sports talk radio guy. He's interviewing for his research assistant position today.
Jess comes home. Nick didn't realize she was gone. "Is that why it's been so quiet?" he asks. She comments on Winston's mustache. "It's creepy and thin, just like I like it," he says.
She's upset they played "True American" without her. Cece calls for all the details. Then she walks out of Schmidt's bedroom in a sheet. Jess isn't used to the fact she's sleeping with Schmidt yet.
"I'm surprised this one's still standing, we burned through a lot of ideas last night," Schmidt says.
Later, Jess tells Cece it's like living in a romantic comedy montage. They throw their heads back when they laugh and she tries on floppy hats for him. She says it's perfect. Cece suggests it's not perfect because they're living on his terms.
Jess tells the guys that Russell is going to stay over that weekend. She checks that they'll be cool, then clarifies that they understand what it means.
Nick wants permission to walk Russell "the visionary" through his idea notebook.
Winston hangs out with Elvin on the swings. He checks that Elvin understands he has to get a real job someday. Elvin suggests they work on his resume, typing is not a real skill.
Winston interviews at the station for Joe Napoli. He knows Winston from his playing days and mocks him mercilessly. Winston is debating whether he wants the job when he meets a coworker: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Winston asks to sit on his shoulders.
Kareem passes him a note. When Joe leaves, he reads it: "Get out now! Run! You will die here! Best, Abdul Jabbar #33"
Nick greets Jess when she brings Russell home. He has a plate of cheeses just for Russell.
Jess makes "ethnic noodles" for Russell. Nick stares at him dreamily. Schmidt is angry he ignored his sushi restaurant suggestions. Nick steals some of his noodles and pronounces them "bowl brothers".
Winston comes home angry.
Flash to Joe giving him orders. He wants six shakes in his fridge at all times and he wants it Beyonce colored. He dumps one on his desk. Kareem pops up from the other side of the cubicle and warns Winston not to let Joe see him hurt.
Back at the apartment, Russell dumps something in the sink and it acts up. Nick attacks it with a baseball bat-sized plunger and gets tossed around, telling the other guys to "anchor" him. They line up and fight the disposal. Jess taps it and the crisis passes.
Jess suggests a game of True American -- 50 % drinking game, 50% life-sized Candyland.
They set up zones in the apartment and a trail of chairs. The booze and beer are the "soldiers of the secret order".
"Everything you hear in True American is a lie, knock on wood," Winston says.
It starts with a shotgun tip-off. Russell grabs a beer can and shotguns it like a pro. They take turns shouting out American president's names and jumping on chairs and holding numbers on their foreheads. Russell starts to figure it out, walking from chair to chair because the ground is lava.
At one point, Russell, Winston and Schmidt end up all hugging together on a chair, each drinking a beer. Cece comes home and announces she's getting in Schmidt's bed. The game ends when Schmidt quits to join her.
Russell is psyched his team won. Winston carries him around the apartment chanting USA.
Later around the table, Russell announces he's trashed. Jess is ready to call it a night, but Russell isn't finished yet. Schmidt comes out shirtless with his hands bound -- water break. Winston asks for advice for dealing with his boss who, like Russell, is a rich white man. Russell suggests a power play -- drip his "boys" in his boss' shake. Jess is appalled, the guys love the idea.
Russell shushes her and says it's guy thing.
Jess tries again to get him to come to bed, reminding him they have a big day planned. But Nick suggests the idea journal. Jess goes to bed alone.
Jess goes in to Schmidt's room in the morning to talk to Cece. She's mad at Russell. She doesn't want to fight with him because he always fought with his ex-wife and being peaceful is their thing.
Nick presents his "real apps" prototype to Schmidt, following Russell's advice. It's a fork and spoon and corn holder, Swiss Army Knife-style, to strap to your phone. "It's also a gentleman's shiv," Nick says.
Back at the radio station, Joe introduces Winston on-air, then does the interview for him, again mocking his basketball abilities. Winston eyes his fridge full of shakes.
At the loft, Jess makes hangover eggs for Russell. "They'll either stop you from throwing up the rest of the day, or you'll just throw it all up really fast. They're high-risk, high-reward," Jess says.
Russell wants to go back to bed, but Jess tells him about the day she has planned, including apple picking. He says no way. She gets angry and they're about to fight when Nick and Schmidt interrupt with their sales pitch.
Russell hears the name "real apps" as "relapse" and Schmidt and Nick start arguing. Nick foists the prototype on him and skewers Russell's hand. He's bleeding, but they have no band-aids. Jess tapes a napkin to his hand and Russell announces he needs to go home and asks if that's a problem.
Jess grits her teeth and says everything is fine.
Winston conferences with Elvin, telling him he's decided to quit the radio station. "I can't let you do that," Elvin says. He calls for his mom and yells that Winston just asked if he could smoke weed. His mom freaks out and tells Winston he'll never nanny again. Elvin gives him a smile on his way out and Winston sees he did him a favor.
Back at the station, Winston tries to throw away all the shakes, but Joe has one. He asks what Winston did to them. Winston confesses they've been compromised, then says he wants the job. He tells Joe he stuck his "beans" in them and swirled them around. Joe busts out laughing. "We're going to do that to Kareem," he says.
Jess waits for Russell to come home. She wants to fight with him. She tells him her world is as important as his. "And if you want to get with me, you're going to have to get with my friends -- and that is a Spice Girls song," she says. They both end up laughing. She says they just fought, but he says he won. They head inside.
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