- Mike Heck: So you're not their favorite parent. You're a solid second place.
- Axl Heck: Eh.
- Frankie Heck: "Eh"?
- Axl Heck: Mrs. Donahue sends Sean with extra cookies for my lunch.
- Frankie Heck: Do you know all three of your heads were unnaturally large thanks to your giant favorite parent over here's weird genetic quirk? And that, after twenty-seven months of carrying you people around, I can no longer sneeze or laugh or jump in the bouncy house without peeing?
- Brick Heck: Mom, you're better than this.
- Frankie Heck: I'm not, though, Brick, I'm really not. This is killing me. How could you pick Dad over me?
- Brick Heck: He says it's okay if my socks don't match.
- Frankie Heck: But it's not! Because people will think you're weird, and I'm only telling you that 'cause I love you more than Dad.
- Axl Heck: Uh, how many times have you taken 11th grade English? Because I've taken it twice now, so I think I know a little bit more than you.
- Axl Heck: I can't believe this. I finally finish my last English paper while we're pumping gas, and, instead of taking me out or buying me a reward, I'm stuck chauffeuring a tomato to a loser fest.
- Brick Heck: [after tomato's demise] This worked out just the way you wanted, didn't it, Axl? You saw that he was a champion, and you couldn't take that somebody else was gonna get the glory. You are a small, small, petty man.
- Axl Heck: God, Brick, it was an accident! What about my car?
- Brick Heck: Who drives a car into a demolition derby by mistake?
- Axl Heck: At least I placed fourth. If it wasn't for Sergeant Smashup, I would've medaled.
- Frankie Heck: As I said, we could all use a minute. Let's just get a fried pie, couple fried marshmallows. There's a fried butter stand right in there. Come on.