Mike Jeavons: Mike J., British Bastard

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Mike J. : Hello, I'm a British person, and thank God this is the last Beethoven movie. After watching all these fucking films, it's made me want to punch a dog in the face... which I actually did; I'll have to go to prison. They decided to throw a spanner into the Beethoven works and make the whole thing... meta. Did the world really need a meta Beethoven movie? No it didn't!

• [last lines] 

  Mike J. : Beethoven's Big Break - it tries to be clever; it fails. It's an interesting way of doing a sequel or prequel or spin-off, whatever you want to call it, but it basically just rehashes old gags from the first film. Plus, are little kids really going to understand the whole meta storyline? Oh well, it doesn't matter if they don't; there are enough clichés in there to keep them entertained. So, like I said, thank God this is the last Beethoven movie, because if it wasn't, I might just have to kill myself.

  [British Bastard clears his throat to get Mike's attention] 

  Mike J. : Yes, British Bastard?

  British Bastard : Have you ever heard of... this?

  [the trailer for Beethoven's Christmas Adventure is shown] 

  Mike J. : Ooh... no.

  British Bastard : [laughs before offering a butcher knife]  Here's a knife.

  Mike J. : Wait. It's-it's only July! I can't watch a Christmas movie in July, therefore I don't have to kill myself, yeah!

  British Bastard : Christmas is only five months away.

  [Mike is horrified to hear this before the closing credits roll]