- Harley and Ivy are celebrating their very first Valentine's Day together. Also follows the rest of the ragtag crew and how they spend the gushiest, mushiest, most romantic day of the year.
- Love is in the air in the DC universe. Meanwhile, Harley's plans to give Ivy the "best" Valentine's Day ever go slightly awry due to a rhyming demon, an orgasm spell, and Bane's desire to magically enhance his genitalia to impress a woman he's just met.—Gislef
- Superman and Lois Lane do an interview about their relationship.
Riddler proposes to Clock King. King Shark and his queen work a pottery wheel with Clayface together. Catwoman gives an imprisoned Bruce bat-shaped chocolates. Joker and his wife hug in their suburban home. Kite Man and Golden Glider soar through the skies.
At the apartment, Ivy complains to Harley about how the packaging on Valentine's Day is non-biodegradable, and people picking roses is mass genocide. Harley is into the holiday, and wants to go out on their first Valentine's Day together. Ivy finally agrees to go out to her favorite restaurant, Mama Macaroni's, and insists that it be low-key. Clayface meets someone online, and Harley insists that it'll be the best Valentine's Day ever.
At the Legion of Doom HQ, Bane laments to Riddler that he wishes he has a special someone. He tries to get Riddler and Clock King to take him on their date, but Riddler refuses.
At Mama Macaroni's Ivy thanks Harley for keeping the day low-key. The waiter serves Ivy her three favorite non-vegan meals, and then gangsters burst in and shoot the waiter dead. They demand the recipe for the appetizers, and the head cook hands it over. Ivy insists on going after them to keep the recipe from falling into the wrong hands, and she and Harley intercept a carriage and go after the gangsters' car. Ivy animates vines to grab the car, and slams it into the road. The say they were hired by the CEO of Luxor Oil, who lands in helicopter and threatens to shoot Harley unless Ivy hands over the recovered recipe.
Ivy pulls down the helicopter with vines and chops apart the CEO with the vines, and Harley hugs her and says that she saved them all. Ivy realizes Harley set the whole thing up and didn't keep their date low-key like she promised, as the "gangster" applaud them. The Demon Etrigan is nearby, and uses his hellfire to create fireworks on Harley's cue. Ivy tells Harley that it's the best Valentine's Day ever and kisses her, and Harley are disappointed.
Hawkman and Hawkgirl do an interview.
Clayface goes to meet his date, Jerry, and finds his address in Crime Alley. When Clayface calls Jerry, Jerry says that a new vegan coffee shop just opened there. There's no shop there and Clayface realizes that he's been tricked. "Jerry" is actually Captain Boomerang, and the whole thing is a trap. Boomerang beats up Clayface and discovers that he has no cash, just two tickets to Brett Goldstein's show. Clayface recovers and runs, and Boomerang cuts him in half with a razorang and runs off
Back at the apartment, Ivy tells Harley that it was a great night. Ivy goes to take a shower.
Bane walks the streets alone, seeing all the people enjoying Valentine's Day. He runs into a woman, Betty, who assumes that Bane got lost like her. She leads him into a nearby brownstone and reveals she has a dominatrix outfit on under her coat. Betty figures Bane is also in costume, and takes him to their client.
Wonder Woman is at home, drinking and lamenting the loss of Steve Trevor. Harley shows up, badly disguised as an Amazon, and tells Wonder Woman that Themyscira is under attack and they need Wonder Woman's help. When Wonder Woman isn't convinced, Harley plays a video of Queen Hippolyta calling on Wonder Woman for help. Wonder Woman flies off, but Harley steals her Lasso of Trust and thanks Hippolyta for playing along... for $40.
Killer Croc and his girlfriend Enchantress do an interview about how they met.
In the alleyway, Clayface and his bottom half talk, arguing about who should absorb who. They both figure that they're a monster and collapse in despair. They finally sing their childhood sing to cheer themselves up, then bond.
Ivy comes out of the shower and Harley snags her with the Lasso. Harley asks Ivy if it's the best Valentine's Day she's ever had, and Ivy admits that it was top three. When Harley says that she made sure every Valentine's Day was better than the last with Joker, Ivy tells her that she's not Joker and had a great time, and would like to binge HBOMax, have sex, and go to bed. Harley locks herself in the bathroom and locks out the window.
Bane and Betty torture their client, and Bane makes casual conversation with Betty. They bond and Betty invites Bane to her place afterward. Their client complains that they're not humiliating him enough, and they go back to insulting his micro-penis. Bane is sheepish, and afterward Betty assures Bane that she's sure he's packing much better. She says that she can't wait to see it, and Bane tells her to go on ahead and text him her address.
Harley goes to Etrigan's shop of potions and lotions, and tells the demon that she wants to give Ivy the best orgasm she's ever had. Etrigan gives Harley a spell and collects his money. Harley goes back to the apartment and apologies to Ivy for complaining earlier. They kiss, and Ivy is enchanted, and takes Harley to bed. When Ivy orgasms, her magically-enhanced pheromones spread out from her through Gotham. Afterward, Ivy says that she's never had anything like that and Harley gets her to say that it's the best she's had. Outside, everyone uncontrollably has sex with everyone.
Aquaman and Mera interview about how they met.
Clayface and his bottom half go for separate carriage rides and proclaim their love for each other. They can't touch or they'll reabsorb. Then they and the carriage driver and their horses are caught in the spell. As they have sex, the two Clayfaces try to resist their urges.
Bane goes to Etrigan's shop, trying to buy a penis enlargement spell. The demon gives him a potion to pour on the desired area, and Bane leaves and does so. It burns, and Bane reads the small print that says not use if also using HGH. Bane turns into a giant, his clothes don't grow, and then he's afflicted by the other spell.
Ivy and Harley go out and confirm that everyone and everything are having sex. Harley admits what she did, and doesn't see the problem. Bane walks up and humps a building, and Harley says that it's a problem that have to address.
Darkseid and his new girlfriend date do an interview. The Lord of Apokolips admits that he's in love.
Clayface and his bottom half to go Clayface's rented apartment, encase themselves in plastic bubbles, and proclaim their love to each other. They try to kiss and fail, realize their love is star-crossed, and the bottom half starts to go. Clayface gives him the tickets for Brett Goldstein's one-man show. The bottom half refuses to take them out of anguish and leaves. Clayface realizes the tickets are non-refundable and bounces to the auditorium.
Ivy and Harley go after Bane, and Ivy figures her magically-enhanced pheromones made Bane grow larger. Harley suggests Ivy kiss Bane and reverse the effects, Ivy points she can't get up that high and get Bane's mask off. Leaping into the cab of a garbage truck, Harley drives it into Bane's ankle and lures him down a street, where he trips and falls into a fountain. The two women try to pull off Bane's mask, but a TV screen with an ad for Brett Goldstein comes up, inviting everyone to his show with his shirtless reading of Lord Byron.
Bane, charmed by Goldstein, gets up and heads for the auditorium. Unable to control his libido, Bane charges at the sign atop Mama Macaroni's and humps the restaurant. Ivy holds Bane back with vines, but Bane manages to pull the sign down and destroy the restaurant. Bane sees a blimp with a sign advertising Goldstein. Meanwhile Ivy complains to Harley that she went over the top and ruined Mama Macaroni's. They argue about how Harley didn't listen to Ivy about what she wanted but Ivy did. Harley would rather focus on beating up Bane then how she ruined Valentine's Day.
The two of them climb up on Bane but are unable stop him as he heads to the auditorium, humping buildings along the way. They try to find Bane's turnoffs on his dating profile.
Clayface gets to the auditorium and tries to sell his non-fundable tickets. The bottom half shows up and the two of them proclaim to each other. Meanwhile, Goldstein comes out on stage, takes off his shirt, reads Byron, and polishes his Golden Globe. Bane hears him and charges at the auditorium, and steps on the two halves of Clayface and merges them.
Harley and Ivy find Bane's turnoffs, and find Clayface and ask him to become a giant Brett Goldstein so Bane can hear him. Clayface is stricken with grief at losing his perfect match, but Ivy uses Ian Somerholder to convince Clayface to overcome his grief and rise to the occasion. Clayface/Goldstein makes several grammar mistakes that aggravate Bane, turning him off. Meanwhile, the real Goldstein tells the audience that refunds don't apply to massive homicidal felons, so they won't be getting their money back.
Bane thanks Harley and Ivy for saving him, and he figures he's going to have another Valentine's Day alone. Betty arrives and asks Bane if he wants some company, and wants to be a part of his "sexual charisma". He picks her up and leaves, and Harley admires the smoke-filled skyline. Ivy tells Harley that the next time she doesn't have to do something to prove her love, because it doesn't matter if something is "the best" because they it's the best relationship she's been in.
Ivy talks about how her best Valentine's Day was when she was in her cell, and Dr. Harleen Quinzel brought her some chocolate milk and told her about 'Shrek 2', and treated Ivy like she mattered, and no one had ever done that for Ivy. They both say they love each other and kiss.
Harley and Ivy do an interview to pad out the episode, wish everyone a happy Valentine's Day, and kiss.
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What is the Brazilian Portuguese language plot outline for A Very Problematic Valentine's Day Special (2023)?
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