John Mulaney: New in Town (2012 TV Special)

John Mulaney: Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• John Mulaney : Jews don't daydream, because folks are after them and they gotta stay sharp. You know what I mean? They have to be there. They haven't let their minds wonder since Egypt. They just stay sharp. They go, "Who's that? Who are you? What's that? Put that down. What's that over there? Don't do that."

• John Mulaney : I was a very nervous kid, I was very anxious all the time when I was younger. But what's nice is that... some of the things I was anxious about don't bother me at all anymore. Like, uhhh, I always thought that, uh, quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life, behind real sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky.

• John Mulaney : I saw this SVU a little while ago, I saw this episode of SVU, and Dean Cain was a rapist... on the show. And there was a scene where they do a line-up with Dean Cain and four other guys and they bring in this woman who's gonna look at the line-up, and it's her behind the glass and they open the curtain and she's standing with the two other detectives.

  [hushed tone] 

  John Mulaney : And I knew she wasn't gonna say this, but part of me was hoping she would just be like... "Is that... Dean Cain?"

• John Mulaney : And then I go over to the Delta Help Desk, which is an oxymoron, and I go, "Can I please go home on an airplane?" and they go "No! In fact, we're gonna frame you for murder, and you're gonna go to jail for thirty years!" And I go, "Why are you doing this to me?" And they go, "Because we're Delta Airlines, and life is a fucking nightmare!"