- Sophie Kachinsky: There's only one party worse than this one. The Donner party... And they had better food.
- Caroline Channing: Congratulations. It's official. Our website is now live.
- Max Black: Congratulations. It's official, you're a whore. I hear you got your Kinko's card punched.
- Caroline Channing: What, heh?
- Max Black: Don't "what" me. I know you hooked up with the webmaster.
- Oleg: [Oleg rings the bell] Pick up.
- Caroline Channing: Oleg, you told Max?
- Oleg: What's happening?
- Caroline Channing: Our deal's off. Oleg had sex with Sophie last night.
- [Max gasps]
- Sophie Kachinsky: No. No. It wasn't sex. Just hand stuff. Yeah. And nothing above the waist. I'm a lady. Yeah. I got all hot and bothered watching Caroline and big Han.
- Edwin: Okay.
- [Edwin chuckles]
- Edwin: You know, I really think this is between Caroline and me.
- Han Lee: You mean between Caroline, you and your strippers.
- Caroline Channing: Strippers?
- Han Lee: I have seen this man in a strip club.
- Max Black: Han, you were in a strip club?
- Han Lee: [Han points to Earl] Earl took me.
- [Earl stands there with his mouth wide open]
- Earl: Damn it, Han! You gonna sell me out, after I spotted you a hundred dollars in ones.
- Oleg: You went to Spreaders without me?
- Caroline Channing: Why would you take Han to a strip club?
- Max Black: Yeah, is his lap even big enough for a dance?
- Max Black: Oh, look. We just passed Carvel.
- Caroline Channing: What's a Carvel?
- Max Black: Carvel Ice Cream? You know, Fudgie the Whale. Cookie Puss. C'mon, how could you not know Carvel? They have them everywhere.
- Caroline Channing: Oh, wait, is that that white trash ice cream?
- Max Black: [Max gasps] How dare you? It is not white trash. And I wouldn't be so high and mighty. You're on a free bang buss to a prison.
- Caroline Channing: I'm sorry. I didn't realize you had such a strong emotional connection to ice cream.
- Max Black: Not to the ice cream. The ice cream cake. When I was 10, I asked my mom for a birthday party. She said yes, but then flaked out and forgot to call anyone.
- Caroline Channing: I'm starting to understand why you don't like birthday parties.
- Max Black: So after I waited on the porch for an hour, I stole 20 bucks from her purse, thumbed it out to Carvel, and bought myself a Fudgie the Whale cake. I ate the whole thing with a pink plastic spoon and it was way better then any party ever could have been.
- Shonda: I heard that. Ain't nothing better then Fudgie the Whale.
- Jefferson: I love the chocolate crunchies.
- Shonda: Bitch, everybody love the damn chocolate crunchies!
- Caroline Channing: [to Max] You know, you and I are better then BFFs. We're BBFs.
- [In deep voice]
- Caroline Channing: Bang Bus Friends.
- Caroline Channing: I got to see my father, and he saw me.
- Max Black: And I got to see Irish. I think he might be the one that got away, or the one that got put-a-way.
- Sophie Kachinsky: Max, I know you had limited budget, but music is free.
- Max Black: Yeah, well I'm a douche.
- Caroline Channing: Pinky swear? Wait, never mind, I don't know where your hands have been.
- Oleg: I just told you where they've been.
- Caroline Channing: It's strictly business.
- Max Black: Alright, but it's costing us 200 dollars, might as well get something out of it. Maybe let him browse your Yahoo.
- Caroline Channing: Heads up, everybody, I just refilled the paper towels. Who's a team player? What? What?
- Caroline Channing: This is nice, getting out of the city. Kinda reminds me of the ride to the Hamptons.
- Shonda: Yo. This your first time on the bang bus? We call it the bang bus because everybody here gonna get banged. And in addition, because we on a bus.
- Max Black: Mm, makes sense.
- Shonda: Hey, I'm Shonda.
- [Shonda puts out her fist to fist-bump Caroline]
- Max Black: I'm Max. This is Caroline.
- Caroline Channing: Heh. So you're all going for, like, conjugal visits?
- Max Black: Pretty fancy term for getting Shawshanked on a three-legged cot.
- Shonda: Shawshanked. I like her.
- Caroline Channing: I like your hair. Did you just get back from Cancun?
- Shonda: Oh! No, I saved up and I got these done for my man. He says they make me look like Alicia Keys meets Ed Norton in "American History X".
- Max Black: How sweet.
- Shonda: Oh, yo, what's your man in for?
- Jefferson: My man's in for possession of a sweet, sweet ass.
- Shonda: Ugh. He makes that joke every time.
- Caroline Channing: He's not my man actually, He's my dad.
- Shonda: Oh, oh! so you a freak! That's all right. I don't judge. You see a name tag on me that says "Judy?"
- Caroline Channing: I'd like to see a manager.
- [the guard stares at Caroline]
- Guard #1: There's no manager. It's a prison.
- Caroline Channing: Well, then, who runs this place?
- Guard #1: Well, the Aryan Brotherhood's getting pretty strong.