- Max Hawthorne: You know, you don't usually give me gifts. Except for that hunting T-shirt with the bullseye on it.
- Joseph: Grey aliens are pretty powerful.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Not powerful enough to get somebody's number from the phone number company, unless they say, "Yeah, okay, give them my phone number."
- Harry Vanderspeigle: How dare you body shame me. This my goal weight. Are you saying I'm fat?
- Max Hawthorne: Whatever. I gotta go home. See you soon.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I will see you never! I am not fat. I am thick. All bodies are beautiful... except yours, you squirrel-necked dick!
- [Harry is wearing a breastfeeding simulator]
- Asta Twelvetrees: Well, I'll never get that image out of my head.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Okay, you're not gonna help the general save the world? Then what? What are you going to do?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I will do what human failures do. I will ignore my horrible life by being a parent and passing my resentments on to my children.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Children?
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Hell, when we get that resort built, we're gonna need a new prison just for the prostitutes alone. As a matter of fact, go ahead and put hooker jail on that list for me, although to be honest, I'm not sure if that's the proper term anymore. It's probably sex worker jail. You can put that down there, because you know hookers, they love to use that modern terminology, and I wanna be as respectful as I can to all them hard working hoes out there.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: A real friend wouldn't make their friends come visit them in jail, and they have to go through a cavity search to make sure they don't have a knife up their ass to try to break you out of there! And everybody knows a knife in the ass can feel a little slice-y!