- Britta Perry: When's our culture gonna outgrow this wedding thing?
- Annie Edison: You're anti-wedding now?
- Jeff Winger: No, she's just pro-anti.
- Britta Perry: No to everything you both said.
- Jeff Winger: Shirley asked me to say something nice at her wedding.
- Leonard: This is the rehearsal.
- Jeff Winger: Shut up, Leonard! Those girls you play ping-pong with are doing it ironically! Well! I searched my heart... for something nice to say at a wedding, and I found nothing, so I had a drink. And then I looked real hard. And you know what I found? My daddy said he would stay with my mommy forever, and he left! Marriage is a lie! Nobody commits to this! Nobody stays with anybody forever, so why do we keep lying?
- Britta Perry: [slurring] I'm gonna stay with somebody forever. It's in my stupid DNA. I was born to be a wife and that's all I'm ever gonna be! You expect anyone here to believe that? I don't care if anybody believes it, jackass! It's a fact!
- Jeff Winger: Prove it, ding dong!
- Troy Barnes: There are a lot of layers to this.
- Abed Nadir: It's almost too conceptual to follow, but... I love it.
- Jeff Winger: Somebody tell Britta what an analogy is.
- Britta Perry: I know what it is. It's like a thought, with a... another thought's hat on!
- Annie Edison: [Annie enters and admires the study room] Holy crap! Britta, you're really good at this.
- Britta Perry: I know.
- Annie Edison: What's wrong with you?
- Britta Perry: This may shock you, Annie, but I come from a long line of wives and mothers.
- Annie Edison: Many do.
- Britta Perry: But I ran away from it my whole life. I refused to give Santa a christmas list, because I didn't want to depend on any man for anything. And now, look at me! I'm Betty Crocker. I'm Martha Stewart. I'm one of the Steppenwolf
- [sic, Stepford, malapropism]
- Britta Perry: wives.
- [Abed and Troy enter]
- Britta Perry: Ohh, God.
- [walks to Abed and straightens his tie]
- Britta Perry: I'm gonna make some man very happy someday.
- Abed Nadir: Ooh. Easy.
- Troy Barnes: Slow down.
- Troy Barnes: We just saw the Inspector Spacetime wedding episode, so we know what pitfalls to avoid.
- Abed Nadir: Be sure to get a DNA sample from of your prospective mate. Inspector Spacetime ended up marrying himself as a baby.
- Annie Edison: Hey! Did you think of a toast?
- Jeff Winger: Well, yeah. Uh, I had a drink, and I looked in my heart, and here's what I got so far... "Webster's dictionary defines..."
- Annie Edison: Gah! Stop! "Webster's dictionary defines"? That's the Jim Belushi of speech openings... it accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody understands why.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, well, it's all I got. That took me eight hours and six macallan neat... ses. Look, I'm sorry, I just don't believe in marriage.
- Britta Perry: I do. It's inevitable.
- Andre: Hey, anybody seen Shirley?
- Abed Nadir: What? Shirley's late to the rehearsal for her wedding? Oh my.
- Andre: Hey man, you don't have to be sarcastic.
- Abed Nadir: I'm not being sarcastic.
- Troy Barnes: We're heavily invested in your situation. Nothing's more important to us than your second wedding's rehearsal going smoothly.
- Britta Perry: Come on, how difficult is this?
- [sighs]
- Britta Perry: You do one of these, one of these, one of these, this one, this one and, like, stick a ribbon on it. Happy?
- [strumming harp]
- Annie Edison: Britta, that's a really beautiful arrangement.
- Dale: Color me lavender. "Lavender" means "impressed."
- Britta Perry: Yeah, well, great... Flowers look good in a pot. There are people dying in Uganda.
- Annie Edison: [to Andre And Shirley] Hi, sorry, don't want to interrupt. But you are cordially invited to prevent a disaster.
- Britta Perry: I promise to put your dreams before mine.
- Jeff Winger: I promise to bottle up my repulsion at the sight of your hair in the drain.
- Britta Perry: I promise to earn no more than 70% of what you would make at the same job.
- Jeff Winger: What about babies?
- Britta Perry: What about 'em?
- Jeff Winger: How many?
- Britta Perry: Pick a number, dick! Like it's up to me!
- Shirley Bennett: What in God's name are you two doing?
- Britta Perry: Getting married. What does it look like we're doing?
- Shirley Bennett: You two are damn fools.
- [to Minister]
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, sorry.
- Minister: I'll allow it.
- Britta Perry: I am a fool. I was a fool to think I wasn't destined for a life of this. I mean, look around. Can you even imagine what kind of wedding I could throw if I actually gave a crap? No offense.
- Shirley Bennett: Knock it off.
- Troy Barnes: I can't believe Shirley. We should show up at this wedding and be the most normal people in the world.
- Abed Nadir: Yeah, I could go as Normal Man and you could be my trusty sidekick Ordinario.
- Troy Barnes: [guffaws] No. That's already weird. We'd be playing into her hand. We should just show up wearing boring gray suits with gray ties and gray shirts. We could dye our hair gray. And then we could lay down on the sidewalk and be invisible. You know, maybe Shirley's got a point.
- Abed Nadir: I have an idea. What if we purged all the weirdness from our systems?
- Troy Barnes: You mean...
- Abed Nadir: A full 24-hour weird-down in the dreamatorium. Just you, me, and our imaginations... no restraints. By the wedding, our temptation to act weird will be gone.
- Troy Barnes: [guffaws] I'm feeling more normal already. Crab walk home?
- Abed Nadir: Yeah.
- Elijah Bennett: Walk the plank.
- Abed Nadir: I think you've mistaken us for pirates. We are community college students.
- [Andre and Shirley's sons sigh and exit]
- Troy Barnes: Abed, I just had an odd thought. What if once you go from being weird to normal, you can never go back to being weird again?
- Abed Nadir: That is an odd thought.
- Troy Barnes: Well, let's hope it's the last.
- Abed Nadir: Cheers to that, my everyday friend.
- Abed Nadir: It's cool that Andre and Shirley are getting married again. There's a whole generation of viewers that didn't get to see the original.
- Troy Barnes: Let's hope it's more of a Bale than a Kilmer situation.
- Dale: Well, have you thought about the color story for your wedding?
- Annie Edison: He means the theme of the wedding. Right, Dale?
- Dale: Mm-hmm.
- Britta Perry: Same theme as every wedding... Conformity, blind participation, and patriarchal...
- Annie Edison: What about pink?
- Dale: We don't call it pink. We don't call anything by its name. That's, like, day-one floral school stuff. This is citrine. This is opalescent. This is sea glass, cameo, and cerulean.
- Troy Barnes: You're having your wedding in the study room?
- Shirley Bennett: Our church has certain policies regarding things like second weddings, and tight jeans and... Calico cats.
- Shirley Bennett: Um, Jeff, I was wondering if you would do us the honor of giving a toast at our wedding?
- Annie Edison: Good idea! Jeff has a lot of thoughts about marriage.
- Jeff Winger: I would be honored.
- Jeff Winger: Look, I can't get behind this marriage thing, either. It was invented back when "till death" meant "till your first cold." I mean, life's too long to spend it with someone else.
- Britta Perry: It's a sucker's game.
- Jeff Winger: It's a mutual cop out. I mean, just nut up and die alone.
- Britta Perry: Mmm.
- [Britta and Jeff high five]
- Shirley Bennett: [enters] Hello.
- Britta Perry: Oh, my God, we're so happy for you!
- Jeff Winger: You are glowing.
- Shirley Bennett: I know, isn't it exciting?
- Shirley Bennett: Everyone just come and... relax
- [lowers her voice]
- Shirley Bennett: and behave normally.
- Abed Nadir: [scoffs repeatedly] That's the noise people make when they're offended in all the movies that Annie rents.
- [Annie scoffs]
- Troy Barnes: We'll try not to embarrass you at your community college library wedding.
- Shirley Bennett: Thank you.
- Jeff Winger: [Annie walking by, humming] Annie! I need your help.
- [Annie squealing chuckle]
- Jeff Winger: Um, you're, like, sentimental and stuff.
- Annie Edison: Oh!
- Jeff Winger: I'm really having trouble coming up with a toast.
- Annie Edison: I find that hard to believe, Jeff. You once convinced Troy that turtlenecks were made of turtles' necks.
- Jeff Winger: It's true, my superpower is that I can assume any position that suits my purpose. In that example... Keeping turtlenecks as an option for myself, down the road. But I do have a kryptonite. It's so obvious to me that marriage is dumb, I can't even pretend to get behind it.
- Annie Edison: You know what I think would make the perfect toast? You, as Shirley's friend and a good guy, just saying what's really in your heart. There's something real in there. Maybe that's what scares you.
- [exits]
- Jeff Winger: [to himself] I could use a drink.
- Shirley Bennett: And then I'd put a counter across here and the ovens there.
- Dean Pelton: Okay, okay, and how fiscal will the quarterly earnings be?
- Shirley Bennett: Well, initially, the fiscal... wait, that question makes no sense.
- Dean Pelton: Ah! I know. I just want to sound as good at business as you are.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh!
- Dean Pelton: I probably shouldn't say this, but I cannot believe you learned all this at Greendale. You're very professional.
- Troy Barnes: [exits dreamatorium post 24-hour weird-down] Well, that should do it.
- Abed Nadir: Yeah. My God, isn't tonight Shirley's wedding rehearsal? Look at how we're dressed.
- Troy Barnes: Yes, this simply won't do. Let's change into something appropriate for the occasion and be on our way.
- Abed Nadir: I agree.
- Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: [speaking flatly] Troy and Abed being normal.
- [normal handshake]
- Jeff Winger: Give me another.
- Britta Perry: Mmm.
- [pours, garnishes and hands Jeff a Macallan neat]
- Jeff Winger: [examines the gilded drink] What's with you?
- Britta Perry: [drunkenly whispers] This is who I am.
- Shirley Bennett: Andre, sorry I'm late. I have wonderful news.
- Andre: [angrily] Where were you?
- Shirley Bennett: Uh, getting wonderful news. The Dean loved our pitch and...
- Andre: Your pitch? Woman, I've been waiting for you for two hours.
- Shirley Bennett: [sweetly] Oh, no. Has it been that long? I'm so sorry.
- Andre: Don't you dare use your sexy voice on me.
- Britta Perry, Jeff Winger: [realization] Ohhhh!
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh, Shirley, I managed to set up a meeting with the Dean, so we can pitch him our sandwich shop idea. I've already registered a website... It's, uh, h-t-t-p, colon, forward slash, forward slash, w-w-w, period, members, period, webplicity custom sites... All one word... period, c-o...
- Britta Perry: Shirley, my ninth-grade english teacher used to say, "there will always be a reason not to follow your dreams." At the time, he meant I was under the age of consent, but his words still apply. Are you sure your wedding is the reason you're bailing on this business with Pierce?
- Shirley Bennett: Uh, in the words of my ninth-grade english teacher, "you are dippin' and dappin' and don't know what's happenin'."
- Britta Perry: Fine, we both went to public school.