Family Guy (TV Series)

Thanksgiving (2011)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Carter Pewterschmidt, Ida Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Cowardly Lion

Photos 

Quotes 

• The "Real" Kevin Swanson : [last lines, a Kevin Swanson lookalike shows up at the door]  Wait! That man's an imposter! *I'm* the real Kevin Swanson!

  Peter Griffin : Guys, I don't think we have time for this.

• [first lines] 

  Joyce Kinney : And we're back with our coverage of the Quahog Thanksgiving Day Parade.

  Tom Tucker : Happy Turkey Day, Quahog. This is Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney live at the parade. We've got some on-and-off drizzle here today and we're a little wet, as you can see, because apparently there are no awnings that exist anywhere. There's your top news story right there: mysterious awning shortage ravages the northeast. But miraculously has not affected Channels Two or Six!

  [camera pans over to both Channels Two and Six, both with awnings, the camera pans back to Tom and Joyce] 

  Tom Tucker : No, no, keep the camera over there. I want everyone to see it.

  [camera goes back to Two and Six] 

  Tom Tucker : This is why we're third!

• Ida Davis : Maybe it's time for us girls to hit the powder room.

  Lois Griffin : You may use the yard.

• Peter Griffin : Damn it! You guys are ruining Thanksgiving! And it's my second favorite holiday right after Pretend Not To Notice People's Race Day!

  [cut away to Peter walking into an office, approaching the secretary] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey, you seen Reggie around?

  Secretary : Which one is Reggie?

  Peter Griffin : Oh, uh, well today, he's wearing yellow pants, uh, yellow shirt, yellow hat, yellow shoes. Uh, he's got a gold tooth, uh, diamond earring, um, he's got that big necklace with the dollar sign on it. Uh, he's always grabbing his crotch whenever he's telling a story, like the one about when he found out his mother is really his grandmother.

  Secretary : Could you be more specific?

  Peter Griffin : Uh, well, let's see... uh, he always wears cheap cologne. Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar with a crown on the dashboard, uh, never pays his alimony, uh, he's extremely cut for a guy who never works out...

  [then a bulky white man walks out wearing completely yellow attire along with diamond earring and a dollar sign necklace] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, there he is. Thanks, anyway. Hey, Reggie!

• Kevin Swanson : Well, I'm sorry you all feel the way you do, but I walked away from an illegal war of aggression being fought six-thousand miles away from our shores.

  Carter Pewterschmidt : Better there than here where all my stuff is.

  Peter Griffin : So what, you figured you'd just let 'em get away with Nine-Eleven?

  Kevin Swanson : Mr. Griffin, Iraq had nothing to do with Nine-Eleven, and the war we started in Iraq has killed a half a million of their people, which is, like, two-hundred Nine-Elevens!

  Glenn Quagmire : So, I guess those moments of silence we had at those sporting events meant nothing to you?

• Joe Swanson : [after Kevin explains how he faked his death and went AWOL]  How could you do that?

  Mayor Adam West : Coward!

  Carter Pewterschmidt : Traitor!

  Chris Griffin : If *you* think I'm gonna masturbate after *this* tonight, you're right!

• Brian Griffin : Look, I-I think you guys are rushing to judge Kevin without knowing what it was like to be in his shoes. He saw horrific things in a horrific war that only one other person here can possibly come close to understanding. Ida. She was in the military, she's seen battle, she's seen innocent people butchered by war machines and I'm sure that Ida, more than anyone else here, can understand and support the choice Kevin made.

  Ida Davis : No, Brian. I do not understand Kevin's choice and I do not support it.

  Brian Griffin : Okay, well, that's just some dumb drag queen.

• Brian Griffin : How are things?

  Ida Davis : Good.

  Stewie Griffin : He threw up when he found out you were a monster.