- Francine Smith: [about Steve] That four-eyed bastard. That malnourished pasty geek. I knew I should have aborted him.
- Stan Smith: Goodness.
- Francine Smith: [to Roger] What a cute beret.
- Roger: Cute? Puppies are cute! Reese Witherspoon before children was cute.
- Hayley Smith: [to Jeff about Francine] If you even look at her, I'll pour this hot coffee down your pants, pervert.
- Jeff Fischer: Yeah, well, it'll be the first time you got me hot in a while, Frisbee whore.
- Roger: Listen up, maggots! You people have major issues. You can't run from them all your lives. You need to face your problems!
- Stan Smith: But...
- Roger: [to Stan] You, sack up and eat your wife's grub!
- [to Francine]
- Roger: And you missy, you take your emergency fund and sign up for a cooking class!
- [to Steve]
- Roger: And you, bring your girlfriend to dinner! Be grateful you have two parents who love you! And that you don't come from a broken home like Reese Witherspoon's kids. Damn, I love that girl! Plucky!
- [to Hayley]
- Roger: And you, gussy up for your husband! Maybe some sort of bra? And wash your hair. Hippies are not sexy. They're dirty!
- Jeff Fischer: Exactly!
- Roger: [to Jeff] And you, if you're tossing it to your mother-in-law, it damn well better be a Frisbee!
- Jeff Fischer: Sir, yes, sir!
- [everyone starts to leave]
- Roger: Hey, no one is dismissed! Not until you thank this fish! These are all his ideas! I'm just an authoritative mouthpiece!
- Francine Smith: It must be fun to play an Army guy.
- Roger: Play? Puppies play! Reese Witherspoon plays to her strengths when she takes on middle-of-the-road romantic comedies like "Sweet Home Alabama."
- Roger: [to Steve] How many times have you been playing with yourself a day?
- Steve Smith: Three.
- Roger: We're going to up that to five.
- [writes on a clipboard]
- Roger: You can take this prescription to any room in the house with Kleenex and have it filled.
- Steve Smith: Thanks, Doc.
- Roger: Ow! I stepped on that glass! I stepped on that mother-loving glass! You're all sued when I get back!
- Roger: That's why I'm the perfect soldier and the perfect guy to watch movies with. I don't poke holes. I just enjoy the ride.
- Steve Smith: [to Stan and Francine] Leave me alone, embarrassing straight parents or I'll pee in your cereal!