- Francine Smith: I take the tour every day except for Sundays when the tour is free and the place gets a little
- [whispers]
- Francine Smith: ethnic.
- Stan Smith: [to Steve] Son, good grades won't get you anywhere in life. You only get places through athletic accomplishments.
- Steve Smith: Well, what about Bill Gates?
- Stan Smith: Before he blew out his ACL and had to do computers, Bill Gates rushed for over 300 yards a game.
- Steve Smith: Uh, I don't think that's right, Dad.
- Stan Smith: And I don't know the recipe for apple pie, but that didn't stop me from making one.
- Roger: Make sure to check out our Stan Smith pan flute rainforest music. Each song sounds the same, yet somehow manages to be worse than the last.
- Francine Smith: Stan, you're making too much of this. Do you think Corey Haim cares that Corey Feldman went on to great success? No, Corey Haim's doing great.
- Roger: I'm a docent, Stan. If he breaks your record, I'm out of a job and I will not go back to Relax the Back. I repeat, I won't go back to Relax the Back as long as Douglas works there, and we both know Douglas is going to work there for the rest of his life.
- Roger: You know what kid I wanted to kill? The youngest daughter in "Mrs. Doubtfire." Hated her face. By the time I could get a good shot at her, she had grown up and turned into nothing.
- Stan Smith: [while Stan and Roger are wrestling] Use your legs! I can't!
- Roger: I have really weak legs.
- Stan Smith: No, you don't. You have the opposite.
- Roger: I know. Today's opposite day.
- Stan Smith: No, it's not!
- Roger: That means it is.
- Stan Smith: I'm not playing!
- Roger: That means you are.
- Roger: So let me understand this wrestling thing. The goal is to lie on top of another man against his will for three seconds in a bathing suit. Is this a high school sport or my trip to Cancun?
- Stan Smith: The Stan Smith Wrestling Museum. Dedicated to the high school wrestling career of Stan Smith.
- Steve Smith: Um, I've lived in this house my whole life. How long's this been here?
- Roger: Construction of the museum began in 1998. I should know because like Ross on "Friends", I'm a docent. But unlike Ross, I don't look like a Monchichi.
- [Roger and Stan have been wrestling in the high school gym for an extended period of time]
- Coach: [Roger almost pins Stan before Stan stops him] One, two...
- Roger: It's been ten days don't you have to give up eventually.
- Stan Smith: Never!
- Roger: Don't you have a job to go to?
- [cut to the CIA Klaus in his bowl at Stan's desk, clearly filling in for Stan]
- Avery Bullock: [to Klaus] Smith, read this intel and give me a full report by the end of the day.
- Klaus: On it, chief.
- [Bullock walks away and Klaus leaps out of his bowl half a notch]
- Klaus: Hooper, I owe you a new headboard! I broke yours last night while I was banging your wife!
- [men laughing offscreen]
- Hooper: You got me, Stan!